Destination Finish Line

Honoring Chris

2011-11-14T13:38:00.012-05:00

The sun was just coming up over the horizon when I arrived at Waterside on Sunday morning. It was a beautiful pinkish-orange backdrop to the American flag that was waving thanks to a brisk wind coming off the water.

I had arrived decked out in 75 yellow ribbons attached to the front and back of my running clothes. The only spot not covered in ribbon was the spot over my heart, where I pinned a photo of Chris. "Running in honor and memory of Chris Campbell," the badge read. "Sept. 16, 1974 - Aug. 6, 2011."

To say I was nervous about the race is an understatement. I was undertrained and overweight. I had stayed up most of the night before with a heating pad under my lower back. I didn't know anyone at the race start and wondered if I'd see any familiar faces along the route. As all of these thoughts ran around in my head and the clock neared 30 minutes until start time, one prevailing thought finally squashed the others and took over: "It's not about you. It's about Chris."

Ever since that awful Saturday in early August when we found out our high school classmate - a carefree surfer-turned-Navy SEAL - was killed in a helicopter attack over Afghanistan, I had been on auto-pilot: scrambling to train for the Norfolk Freedom Half Marathon, making weekly visits to the physical therapist to fix every new problem that arose, and raising money for the Wounded Warrior Project, the charity Chris requested we focus on if he should be killed in the line of duty.

Now the scrambling was over. And a quiet took its place. A quiet that allowed me to focus on only one thing: Chris.

As the runners lined up at the start and the "presentation of the colors" was announced, something very odd happened. Instead of typical pre-race chatter and last-minute stretching, everyone was focused ahead. Not a word was spoken or a song played. It was so quiet, the only sounds were of chirping birds and whipping flags. This wasn't going to be a typical race. Most people weren't there to break records. This was about honoring the men and women who were serving our country, the veterans, the heroes who sacrificed their lives for us. This was about Chris and his comrades. This wasn't about us.

At 7 a.m., the runners - including me - took off.

It was a lot easier to run with ribbons than I expected. And the ribbons served their purpose, as a number of spectators - including passengers in a car that drove by me - asked what they represented. I was able to tell them about my classmate who was killed, his Wounded Warrior Project wish and the people listed on the ribbons who donated to his cause.

There were rough moments during the race: stretches where I feared I was last because I couldn't see anyone around me; the moment I tripped over my feet and fell onto the pavement (strategically right outside a hospital); miles 11 and 12 when all I wanted to do was take a nap I was so exhausted.

I had to walk most of miles 11 and 12. But when I hit the last mile, I had an odd little burst of energy. I was able to run more. And then the song "Arlington" came on my iPod. It was played at Chris' memorial service, and as I listened to the words, I touched my hand to my heart - Chris' photo - and thanked him.

I was about to turn the corner into the last stretch when two very good friends surprised me, cheering and taking photos during those last steps. I can't say I ran the rest of the way - a combination of "Arlington," seeing my friends and approaching this hard-fought goal brought on the emotions and I found myself unable to breathe. But I was able to refocus and carry on.

The finish line was a near ghost town compared with other half marathon finish lines. After all, I was finishing an hour and fifteen minutes after the average person would finish. And though it was quiet as I approached, someone restarted the music, and the opening notes to "The Final Countdown" played. I smiled wide and finished.

BY THE NUMBERS:

Two-month Wounded Warrior Project fundraising goal: $3,000
Amount raised: $3,466 (with $50 more pledged)
Number of fundraising letters sent out: 150
Number of donors: 75

Original half marathon time-limit: 16-minute-mile pace
Revised time-limit: 4-hour race (or 18-minute-mile)
My half marathon time: 3:30 (yes, a personal worst)
My half marathon pace: EXACTLY 16-minute-mile
My place: 7th from last (but not last!) POSTSCRIPT: Turns out I was 17th from last! (or, 1187th out of 1204)
Number of ribbons I started the race with: 75
Number of ribbons I finished the race with: 75!

Counting down (and up)

2011-11-06T18:54:00.002-05:00

Less than one week till race day, and I'm about as unprepared for a half marathon as I've ever been and very nervous about how it will all shake out.

My plan to do 12 miles last week was a bust, as I awoke on Sunday with very bad back pain. I knew running would make it worse and could potentially do harm. So 11 will be the most I've done before the race - and it will have been three weeks before the race. I do have my plan (2-minute run/1-minute walk) and I've already canvassed the route to find bail-out points (coworkers' homes! two hospitals! a rent-a-car agency!). I joke - I certainly don't want to bail out at any point - but I'm also realistic that I'm not in the best shape or health.

Of course, no matter what happens next Sunday, I will be out there honoring Chris and wearing (as of today) 68 yellow ribbons bearing the names of people who have donated to my campaign for the Wounded Warrior Project and are helping to keep Chris' legacy alive.

As I sat here this afternoon forming each ribbon and watching the mound of yellow grow larger and larger, I was so thankful to each name I wrote down. I'm happy to report we're past goal and up to nearly $3,300 raised for WWP in Chris' name.

It's not too late to donate (and to get your name on a ribbon). Visit http://WWPProudSupporter.kintera.org/honoringchris

I ain't down yet

2011-10-23T20:37:00.004-04:00

The goal today? 10 miles.

The fear? That today would be the day I'd realize my dream of doing this half marathon was over.

The result? Procrastination getting ready for my run, irritation when I started my warmup and was stopped twice by people asking for directions, frustation when, at the start of the first jog, my hip screamed for me to stop and, frustration again, when minutes later I really had to stop to wait for the light-rail train to go by.

All followed by elation when, three hours later, I returned to my apartment having completed 11 miles.

My hip did continue to bother me the first half of the run, but it was a beautiful, cool, blue-sky day and I thought back to the beginning weeks of my training when I would rather walk the distance than do nothing at all. So I took it mile by mile. About halfway through I got the idea to add one more mile to my total - just in case. The thought was, if this run really hurt me and I was out of training for the next week or two or three, at least I'd have gotten up to 11.

I ran/walked the first 9.5 miles, then pretty much walked the rest. When I got home, I immediately took two Aleve, stretched, took a shower, and then napped on a heating pad. All precautionary measures. When I woke up, unbelievably, nothing really hurt.

My back hurt some during the last few miles, but thankfully, it was more my upper-to-middle back and not my lower back. Which means, I think, it was more of a muscular issue rather than a disc issue.

Now the only thing I'm really nursing is a headache, and a bit of a sore throat, and if that wasn't the case, I'd shout from my rooftop how happy I am to have accomplished this today. Yes, I am not in great shape for this race, but I'm also not out of it just yet. I can't tell you how happy that makes me.

I thank you all for your prayers and support. I know that that's making all the difference in the world.

Fundraising update: I'm $109 away from my $3,000 goal for the Wounded Warrior Project! Want to help me get there? I'm still taking donations for the next three weeks, in person or on the website: http://WWPProudSupporter.kintera.org/honoringchris. And a side note: If you donated to me more than a month ago and haven't gotten a personal thank-you note from me, please let me know. Based on previous mistakes, I'm a little worried my mail carrier has been putting some of my mail in the wrong box. With the exception of donations I've received since Oct. 8, the thank-yous have gone out.

And, believe me: I am truly, truly thankful. Out of 150 letters I mailed out, I have received 60-plus donations, more than I ever imagined possible. You all have warmed my heart with your generosity.

Crying uncle (and, well, crying)

2011-10-19T21:31:00.003-04:00

I never thought I'd get to the point where I threw up my hands and admitted defeat. But it may be time to do just that.

Last week's vacation was lovely. I was able to travel and hike mostly without pain. On Saturday, upon return, I ran the Susan G. Komen 5K. As I took my first step running, I realized my right hip was acting very strange. It took effort to pick up my leg to run. As the run progressed, the pain subsided, but as soon as I took a small walk break and then resumed running, it returned. Since then, I've found it hard to do just about everything, including walk.

On Monday, I bent over to dry my hair, and a sharp pain - like a small knife being jabbed in my lower back - hit me hard. My physical therapist on Tuesday discovered it's not muscular (like all my other problems). It's very likely a disc issue. And that's not fixable.

And I still have the IT band pain.

So to sum up: Pain in the left knee area, lower back and right hip. I'm one hot mess.

My physical therapist (yes, the one I love for supporting my running) threw me for a loop this week when he suggested that, after the half marathon, I stop long-distance running. He said my body may not be cut out for it. That I should stick with small distances.

Embarrassingly, I started to cry as he spoke. I didn't want to hear what he was saying. I had decided that I would take a running break after next month - to hopefully reset my body and help the various parts heal - and I thought that was what he, too, was going to suggest. Not to stop long distances for good.

It's what many people have told me over the years, but I've ignored them because long-distance running makes me happy. It's the only thing I find joy in, where I feel proud of myself. I never thought when I was 317 pounds that I would one day run half marathons. And that I would love it. But I do.

Beyond that heartbreak lies something worse: I'm beginning to realize that this half marathon (now 20-some days away) may be impossible. I haven't run long for more than two weeks. I haven't run at all - with the exception of the 5K, which despite my pain was a good race - for more than two weeks. Today, while crossing a busy road on my way to work, I did a small jog. It hurt so much, I practically had to peg-leg myself across the road.

I keep telling people that despite the various injuries, I am not ready to give up, that I'm still determined to run this for Chris, that I have fundraised with the promise that I was going to run the half. I'm less than $400 away from my goal of $3,000 for the Wounded Warrior Project. Yet I'm so far from where I need to be in my training.

I still have it in my head that I'm going to attempt 10 miles on Sunday, but at the moment, as I sit at my desk feeling that knife-pain in my back, I don't know how that's going to be possible. Or the 11 miles the following week. Or the 13.1 miles two weeks after that.

Every night I pray that I heal, that I can run without pain, that I can run this race. But every day I am faced with a new problem. I am willing to work hard. But it appears there is only so much I can do.

I'm still hoping for a miracle. That may be what it takes.

A wee update

2011-10-07T13:16:00.002-04:00

I'm taking a week off for a little vacation, so I won't be back blogging till next Sunday. So I just wanted to update you on my status.

It's still lousy.

I endured many, many painful injections on Tuesday with the hope they would make my back and IT band feel better. But both still hurt, and as I squatted to look at some books on the bottom shelf earlier today, the IT band really hurt. So I don't know where that leaves me. I plan on trying to hike next week, but I realize I need to be careful, with both my leg and my back.

When I return, I'll try my darndest to pick the training back up. My physical therapist is very hopeful I can still do the half marathon. He knows how much it means to me and how I'd regret it if I didn't try. His thought: Start it and if you have to drop out, at least you can say you tried. Have I mentioned how much I love my physical therapist?

On the fundraising front, we're nearing $2,000 raised. I hope that in the last month I can push to get that last $1,000, but either way, I'm so grateful for those who have already given and those who now know what a great man Chris was.

For better, or worse?

2011-10-02T19:43:00.002-04:00

Well, I remained conflicted all morning about what to do regarding my run. Do I try? Do I wait? Do I just do a few miles? Do I try for 10? Etc.

A few circumstances went into my final decision: 1. I had expected to be working all day, but I was all caught up. 2. It was a beautiful, cool day. 3. I wasn't in terrible pain. 4. I'm supposed to vacation to the N.C. mountains next week, which means no long run next Sunday.

So I laced up the shoes, said a prayer and went outside.

It immediately began raining, but I didn't mind. "Don't mind the rain, just don't want the pain," I thought to myself.

As I started my run/walk, I made sure to pay attention to my posture during each run portion to make sure I wasn't hunching (b/c maybe that's causing the pain?). Then I got worried I was trying so hard to run upright that I was tensing up, which could also easily cause pain. So I concentrated on being loose, relaxed and straight. By three miles, I felt just fine. By five miles, I started to feel some back discomfort. I decided at that point to just do six miles, just to be safe. But then, as I neared six, I decided that, at the very least, I wanted my legs to cover at least what I did last week. So after my six-mile run/walk, I walked three more miles, very slowly. It was a beautiful day (the rain didn't last more than five minutes), so I didn't mind the extra time it took.

My IT band, at the moment, feels just fine, though there were some twinges during the run so I immediately iced and took some Aleve when I got back. My back is a bit sore, but I have a heating pad on it. It doesn't feel as bad as last week. I am glad I was able to do nine miles, even though technically it was only six on target time-wise. I feel better about taking next week off knowing I got those miles in.

The big question mark now is, will I ever be able to run more than six miles without back pain? I sense that it starts to hurt when my legs get tired. Perhaps it tries to overcompensate. Perhaps I'm hunching and don't even realize it. Or maybe it's just weak hips. I don't know. Hopefully my physical therapist will have some insight on Tuesday.

So I don't know if what I did today was good for me or bad for me. I'm just hoping I didn't do any further damage.

Good news, bad news, Part 2

2011-10-01T16:22:00.003-04:00

I had been feeling so good for most of September, so this latest setback is somewhat bringing me down. Week Five of training was an Epic Fail, though I did complete 9 miles on Sunday. Still, those 9 miles resulted in this new pain that has derailed my momentum, so I don't really consider this week a success on any level (training-wise).

Where this week was a success was in the fundraising. I thought that first day of 10 envelopes in the mailbox was just a fluke, but each subsequent day has brought five, two, five more. And, in honor of Chris, I'm up to more than $1,500 raised - halfway to my goal. That is a huge source of pride. My friends and family (and eye doctor!) have been so generous and supportive.

Which is where the bit of guilt comes into play. They're helping me with the fundraising, and I want to fulfill my end of the bargain - getting out there and training and running that half marathon. So as I sit here on the couch (though working, not eating bonbons and watching TV), I feel a lot of guilt and sadness for not continuing that streak in my training. My head knows it's the right thing to do to not hurt myself even more, but my heart is heavy and sad.

I would like to try to run tomorrow, but I'm facing this inward battle of "Do I just run 3 miles to try it out? 2 miles? Or do I do what the schedule says and try 10? Will that make me hurt more? Will I feel worse if I don't try? Should I just get out there and see how it goes? Do I hold out longer till after physical therapy on Tuesday? Am I really feeling pain in my knee and back or is just my brain thinking I am feeling something that's not really there?"

This race is very, very important to me. Many people who care about my health keep trying to persuade me to switch to the 5K. But there's something about this half marathon that is special - and I need to feel like I've given it my all. The race is six weeks away, and I need those six training weeks, or at least five of them. But I also want to show up to that starting line in good health and spirit.

Taking it day by day. I may be down in spirit right now, but I haven't lost my determination.

Good news, bad news

2011-09-28T09:48:00.002-04:00

The bad news (an ice pack) is sitting in front of me, mocking me, so I'll start with the bad news first.

In addition to back pain from running (yeah, it hurt a little during Sunday's 9 miles), now my IT band is throbbing. It hurts to walk, it hurts to even put pressure on my knee. In doing some research, it's possible the back problem is actually causing the IT band problem. When the lower back muscle of the hip is weak, the front muscle, attached to the IT band, has to pick up the slack. What's awful is that the two exercises they recommend I do to help the IT band, I already do! I use the foam roller before every run and I do hip exercises, too.

I've been icing constantly and elevating my knee and I'll go buy some Aleve today. But what this all means, I don't know, except that today is the first day since my training began that I can't follow my schedule. It stinks. I was on such a roll, doing it right, doing it slow, never increasing mileage more than 10 percent a week. Oh well. I know that all I can do is try my best. It still stinks.

OK, bad news aside, here's some good news.

I have this recurring dream that I open my mailbox and there are tons and tons of cards and letters for me inside. (In this day, that's a TRUE dream!) Yesterday, I had to tell myself I wasn't dreaming, that this was real. I opened my mailbox to find TEN envelopes inside containing donations for the Wounded Warrior Project. I was so overwhelmed, I almost started crying. To see the names on the return addresses was just an awesome moment. I wasn't dreaming. I'm up to 16 donations and $835 raised, nearly a third of the way to my goal of $3,000! I am so grateful to all who have donated.

And I do understand that many just can't give right now. It's such a hard time for people. But you can still help. I need your prayers/good vibes desperately to get back on the pavement.

I can't give up now.

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To donate: http://WWPProudSupporter.kintera.org/honoringchris

On my way

2011-09-24T22:40:00.005-04:00

I sent out my first batch of fundraising letters for the Wounded Warrior Project on Monday. On Thursday, I opened my mailbox to find one of my self-addressed envelopes. My first mailed donation! As I got into the elevator and opened the envelope, I started to cry when I saw it was from my landlord and how much he donated. I think I've been so worried I wouldn't get any donations that to get something so soon and so generous was just overwhelming. Today, I learned of two large donations that made my heart swell. It fills me with pride to think that, even if I don't meet my $3,000 goal, I'll at least have raised something for Chris' charity, and made more people aware of the hero Chris was.

Training this past week went well. Eight miles on Sunday, three on Wednesday and Friday. My back began hurting again mid-week, which worries me, as my physical therapist thinks the running could be the cause. But it's eased up a tad. I'm hopeful but cautious.

Tomorrow's long run is scheduled to be nine miles, and I must say, each week I get more and more nervous I won't be able to do it. Last Sunday, I was so worried, I waited until noon to run. Not a smart idea. I hope I have more sense tomorrow morning!

Here's hoping for the best.

To donate to Wounded Warriors: http://WWPProudSupporter.kintera.org/honoringchris

I'll Stand By You

2011-09-17T12:44:00.003-04:00

Thank heaven above, this week was another good training week. Seven miles Sunday, three miles Wednesday and Friday. And I'm finding myself able to run more and walk less. I pray I can keep it up without injury. It's been wonderful being out there again. This past summer, when I was unable to do anything, I would literally dream about running. In my dreams, I was effortlessly gliding along, enjoying the moment. This week, I found myself doing just that and was so thankful.

On Friday - what would have been Chris' 37th birthday - my run took me to an unexpected place. I started off with a 5-minute warmup walk and then planned on alternating 3 minutes of running, 1 minute of walking the rest of the way. But the minute I took off in my first running segment, my iPod shuffled to the song "I'll Stand By You." And I immediately thought of a video I had recently watched about the Wounded Warrior Project.

If you have a few minutes, it's worth watching: click here

As I thought about those men and women returning from war with unthinkable injuries, I decided to skip the whole run/walk and just run. Just run and think of them and think of Chris and not stop. So that's what I did for two miles. I did have to walk some in the last mile, but I was proud I was able to push myself a little harder and not let my own self-doubts hold me back.

Birthdays are times when you thank God for bringing certain people into this world. What a gift Chris Campbell was to so many people - not only his family and friends but to all of us. And what a gift he continues to give, with this selfless request that we support the wounded warriors.

He's still standing by them.

To donate: http://WWPProudSupporter.kintera.org/honoringchris

Today's run

2011-09-11T17:21:00.003-04:00

I had a few things going against me this morning:

1. The drunk college students are back, and their whooping and hollering from the street below woke me up and kept me up till way after the bars closed.

2. Around that time I was noticing a twinge in my knee that didn't feel quite right, so I got up to put an ice pack on it.

3. As I left my apartment building at 7:30, I was surrounded by that familiar smell: The Great Dismal Swamp was still burning and its smoke had wafted this way. It was thick.

But as I stood on the sidewalk stretching, I was surprised by this little squirrel who came up right beside me, did a little dance around me and then scooted off. In my mind, the little guy was saying, "Don't worry, it's going to be a great run!" (Yes, I'm aware the squirrel wasn't actually talking. And, actually, as soon as I thought about the above sentiment and hit "start" on my watch, I realized he could have been saying, "Go back home! The run is going to be horrible! Save yourself!")

But off I trotted.

The first three miles, well, let's just say I think I did have the endurance but I was choking on a mixture of humidity and smoke. There was a point around mile 3 where I thought I'd have to swing into the Walgreens to get out of the smoke and catch my breath. It was getting hard to breathe. But as soon as I passed the store and entered a new neighborhood, the air felt much better. The rest of the run wasn't nearly as bad. I was thrilled I was able to complete 7 miles without pain, without blisters and at a faster pace than last week's long run.

It was nice to run without the iPod, to think about things and people and memories.

And at 8:46 a.m., and again at 9:03, as the church bells tolled, I removed my hat, held it to my heart and continued to run.

My guide

2011-09-10T01:41:00.003-04:00

I've been extra tired this week, and it's been a struggle to lace up my running shoes and get myself out the door. Before each run (6 miles Monday, 3 miles Wednesday and Friday), I considered flopping back down on my couch and postponing the training.

Then I'd think of Chris.

Not only would I think, "You've got to stick to the training if you want to run the half marathon, and you want to run the half marathon for Chris," I'd also think, "You think this is hard? It's nothing compared to what he faced every day in Afghanistan."

And so I'd hit the pavement.

Despite my fatigue (I actually considered curling up on the side of the road for a nap during Monday's 6 miles), it actually was a good training week. Nothing hurt. And I was a tad bit faster than the week before. And I'll take that. I'm still slow as mo (lasses, that is), but that's to be expected. I need to build back my endurance and drop weight to see improvement. I'm working on both. Chris is my guide.

Tomorrow, I start the climb in mileage. I've been sticking to 6 miles as the farthest run for awhile now while I build back up. Tomorrow I'll shoot for 7. I still worry about injuring myself, hoping I'm not doing too much too soon. I still worry the blisters will come back. But tomorrow I don't want to think about any of that.

The plan is to run minus the iPod. And to run between the hours of 7:30 and 9:30 a.m. For years, I've tried not to think too much about Sept. 11. I avoid the movies about it, the TV specials, most of the newspaper articles. I don't want to relive that horrible day. But something happened to me today that makes me want to acknowledge it, and, more important, acknowledge the people who are fighting, and dying, to make sure Sept. 11 doesn't happen again.

Today, I toured the USS Cole, the Norfolk-based ship that was attacked by terrorists Oct. 12, 2000, killing 17 sailors. I stood where the attack occurred. I walked the hallway lined with 17 stars. And I heard about the crew members who risked their lives to make sure the ship didn't sink.

Every time I encountered a sailor in his crisp white uniform, I saw Chris. And I realized how little I have thought about these men and women who do what they do every day to protect us. I tried to thank each one, but it wasn't - as they probably assumed - a thank-you-for-letting-us-tour-your-ship. It was a Thank You.

We owe them so much.

It shouldn't have taken Chris' death to dig my head out from under the sand, open my eyes and make myself appreciate - truly appreciate - what he and countless others have done for us. It's so easy and more comfortable to avoid reality and not think about what's going on "over there." But I think that when Chris asked us to memorialize him by donating to the Wounded Warrior Project, he not only helped his wounded comrades, he helped us open our eyes and acknowledge - truly acknowledge - the men and women who are putting their lives on the line to protect us. I know, at least for me, it's what I think about as I train and fundraise in Chris' name.

And it's what I'll think about tomorrow.

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To donate:

http://WWPProudSupporter.kintera.org/honoringchris

A fresh start

2011-09-02T14:52:00.004-04:00

With a new month, some beautiful weather and a few good running days this week, I'm ready to move on and put this summer behind me. It's been rough, for so many reasons, but I don't want to dwell. In trying to look on the bright side, I'll just say that God freed up my time this fall, allowing me more time and energy to raise money for the Wounded Warrior Project, train for the half marathon and enjoy my favorite season. He also steered me to a number of good doctors, who have helped reduce my pain.

I realize I have two very large challenges ahead of me: Raising money in a time when people are faced with mounting financial problems and aren't as willing to give, and training for this half marathon in the midst of my health issues. But I'm not deterred. I'll do what I can, with the resources I have, and remember with each step who I'm doing this for.

Two weeks ago, I went to the visitation for Chris in Virginia Beach. I was able to meet his family, see his beautiful daughter and wife and pay tribute not just to Navy SEAL Chris Campbell, but the guy I knew back in the 1990s. There was a poster-size photo of him in the funeral home entryway. In it, Chris squatted in a field of wildflowers in Jacksonville. He had long dreadlocks and a huge smile on his face. It was the Chris I knew. I couldn't take my eyes off of it. In the other photos - of him in his Navy uniform and of him in wartime gear - was a Chris I didn't get the chance to know, but whom I admire so very much.

Chris did so much for his country in his short life, but in his death, he didn't ask for much - just for us support the service men and women who made it home but now need our help.

I've started training for the race (a total of 12 miles completed this week) and plan on amping up my fundraising efforts this weekend. I'll start here.

Any donation to Chris' requested charity, the Wounded Warrior Project, is very much appreciated. In return, I'll wear your name on a yellow ribbon on race day. I can promise you that even if my health keeps me from the half marathon, I'll still be out there, running, walking or, if need be, crawling in the 5K.

To donate:

http://WWPProudSupporter.kintera.org/honoringchris

And thanks. If you'd like to give, but just can't, I'll take donations of good wishes/prayers/good vibes/etc. I'll need them in the weeks of training ahead.

When there's nothing else you can do ...

2011-08-15T22:12:00.003-04:00

I couldn't run because of my sore knee.

I couldn't fast-walk because of my rolling foot/blister problem.

But to stay on track, I needed to cover 6 miles today. So what's a girl to do?

I sauntered. Strolled. Moseyed. Basically spent two full hours walking as slow as I could so I wouldn't hurt myself further.

It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows and daisies on this jaunt (though I was walking so slow, I could have watched a daisy or two bloom if it were spring). For one thing, I hate walking. And I really hate walking slow. I'd find myself speeding up and having to put the brakes on. Then there was that blasted right foot. The bottom of it started hurting around Mile 4 (i.e. blistery), and I feared I'd have to resort to crawling to make it home. But, thankfully, it didn't get that bad.

Now, as you know, I can't mosey in the half marathon. There's a 16-minute-mile maximum, and, besides, I don't want to mosey in this race. But for now, until I can figure out what's wrong and gain the strength back, moseying will have to do.

Sigh

2011-08-13T12:34:00.001-04:00

Knee has been aching all night long.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Before the sun sets

2011-08-12T20:48:00.002-04:00

Today was declared a day of mourning in Virginia for the servicemen who were killed in the Afghanistan helicopter attack. So I didn't want the sun to set without getting out on the pavement and continuing my training in Chris' honor.

I started out with a one-mile walk, praying the whole time that the new shoes + fancy blister-fighting bandage would allow me to complete three miles without hobbling in the end (a la Wednesday, a la Sunday, a la every blasted day for months). Without fighting and destroying this latest enemy that is trying to sideline me, the half marathon seems simply impossible.

(Side note: I wear the right non-cotton socks. I've consulted two physical therapists. I went to the best running shoe guy I know. I've never had a blister problem before.)

Toward the end of the first mile, I could feel the fancy blister-fighting bandage shifting, which meant my foot was still rolling and causing friction. But I continued, breaking out into a run/walk for the next two miles. It was a beautiful night, and - discomfort aside - I was glad to be out there in the remaining few hours of the day.

With three miles completed, there was some hobbling as I made my way toward my apartment building. I was frustrated. All I could think was, "Well, I guess it's time to call on Physical Therapist No. 3," and how much I dreaded more speculation, more "try this," more "maybe you should just cross-train."

The sun was setting as I approached home, and - shoving aside my negative thoughts - I suddenly realized what song had been playing on my iPod for the past few minutes: Billy Joel's "Everybody has a Dream." My eyes swelled with tears, thinking of my last blog post and Chris' dreams of being a SEAL, thinking of my declaration to fight for my own dreams, thinking of the day I put the song on my playlist. It was my anthem for Marine Corps Marathon training. I listened to it at the end of each training run, determined to one day reach my dream of running 26.2 miles. That dream ended up being deferred.

Blisters and tight calves and being overweight are the enemies trying to stop me from my dream. I must not let them. Bring on Physical Therapist No. 3.

For history on this new goal, see "Honoring him."

Honoring him

2011-08-07T13:13:00.004-04:00

"So many of us talk about what we are going to be and what we are going to do; he did it."

"Chris backed up his words with actions."

"He would back up anything he said with a commitment you can't match, or describe with words. Chris Campbell, Navy Seal."

A high school classmate of mine was one of the 30 Americans killed yesterday in Afghanistan when their helicopter was downed by Taliban fire. I learned about his death as I made a quick scan of Facebook before heading out to dinner. The posting began "Just got word..." The words "KIA," "Afghanistan" and "Chris Campbell" jumped off the page. I read the post again. And again. It couldn't be true. But by Saturday night, Facebook was filled with more postings from friends mourning the loss of this amazing guy whose smile and spirit were the first things that came to mind when you heard his name.

I didn't know Chris was a Navy SEAL. In fact, I didn't know Chris well at all. But I knew him enough to see that smile in my head, feel a rush of memories from our years in school together, and ache not only for his family but for his high school buddies, many of whom are very dear to me.

My first instinct after hearing the news was to pull out the only personal photograph I have of him. In it, Chris poses with five other guys from our high school class. (The six of them were voted by their classmates to pose in surf shop swimwear for our school newspaper.) If I remember correctly, Chris didn't stay at the photo shoot very long: It was a gorgeous day, toward the end of the school year, and there were waves to catch. Surfing was his life.

As I scanned the photo and rubbed my thumb over his young face, I thought about how my inability to believe he was one of the 30 killed stems from the fact that he'll always be that 18-year-old surfer in my head. And why would an 18-year-old surfer be in that Chinook helicopter over Afghanistan?

Hours later, still thinking of Chris and reading more about the brave mission those SEALs were on, I felt a huge swell of pride for the man he became. He was not that 18-year-old surfer anymore. He was a Navy SEAL. He belonged to one of the most elite forces in our military. He became someone many of us only dream of being. He was a hero.

This morning, I went digging through my box of memorabilia, high school and otherwise. I was in search of our 10-year reunion program. In the midst of digging, I came across my "Life's To-Do List." It was emotional, thinking of this list, thinking of what I want to accomplish in my life, and how Chris ....

For the past several months, I've let a lot of stuff weigh me down. Work. Health. Money. I've dwelled and worried and, in doing so, wasted a lot of time. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to simply check off days, but not check off opportunities that are out there. There's so much left on that Life's To-Do List. (In what has brought a rare smile to my face, I just saw that No. 7 is "Try to learn to surf.")

Since hearing the news, I've found myself restless and wishing there was something I could do. I wasn't a part of Chris' life, so pretending to be is the worst thing I can do. But I still feel the need to focus on something that matters, to honor Chris in some way. For me, I think that will be running the Norfolk Freedom Half Marathon. It takes place Veterans Day weekend, and I want to run it in honor of Chris. The event raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project, and I would like to find a way to incorporate raising even more money during my training. It may be as simple as personally donating a dollar for every mile I train. I don't know. But I feel the need to honor him, and I don't know what else to do.

Training began this morning, and I thought of Chris with each painful step (I admit I'm not in the best condition to be doing this, but I'm determined to fight off the health issues that come my way). When I felt like stopping because of the heat, I pictured our men and women in Afghanistan battling much hotter conditions, in a much scarier place. When my iPod randomly chose the hauntingly beautiful "Hallelujah," I thought of Chris in that Chinook. And I thought about the words that began this blog post, words I borrowed from friends who posted their awe of Chris on Facebook last night: "So many of us talk about what we are going to be and what we are going to do; he did it."

Chris wanted to be a Navy SEAL. That's no small dream. I'd like to think the best way to honor him is to fight for my own dreams.

If you'd like to run with me in honor of Chris, please let me know. Here's the link for the race: http://www.freedommarathon.org/norfolk.htm

My life is a joke

2011-05-26T10:52:00.002-04:00

Not to be a complete downer, but, really, my life is a joke.

For five months, I've gone to Power Cut classes religiously, squatted and lifted and lunged for hours, and yet I look in the mirror and see the same girl who arrived in January.

I weighed 218.8 on Saturday - a frustrating number b/c it didn't drop an ounce even after a perfect diet week - and by Monday, after a few slips Sunday, I weighed 220. Perfect Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and the scale hasn't moved.

While in Power Cut on Tuesday, I spent the first half hour wondering why I was still there and if it really mattered. Of course, it was an extra- hard class (I get the feeling she's trying to weed people out), but watching myself in the mirror was very frustrating. Shouldn't I look at least a little different by now? Shouldn't the pants I wore in January be at least a little freakin' looser?

Then I attempted a run after class - for the first time in nearly a month. I have been trying so hard to get rid of these shin splints, doing all of my exercises and laying off the running, instead walking. I did three small bursts (0.35 mile) of running during my three miles, and by the end felt just fine. I was pretty happy, though still a little scared about Saturday's 10K.

One day later, a muscle behind my knee hurts when I move my leg.

Do you see the theme? I'm a joke.

There's one thing I do wonder about: sitting. Yesterday, because of an extremely hard shift (and they're more common these days), I never left my desk from 5 p.m. to 2 a.m. I'm not kidding. I never went to the bathroom (no problem b/c I hardly drank from my water bottle b/c I didn't have time). I never heated up my dinner (skipped it b/c I didn't have time). You've got to wonder what this does to a body. I've read the reports, and now I'm living the reports.

Anyway, it's pretty clear that I'm not a typical woman trying to lose weight. This blog isn't going to help anyone in that regard. So once again, I'm ending it. I hope to write when I have some running news - that's what this blog was created for anyway. But right now, I can't keep pretending I know what I'm doing. I'm not quitting Weight Watchers. I'm never going to quit trying. But when I report that I'm the same weight week after week, I feel like a failure over and over.

Take care ---

Slippy Sunday

2011-05-23T13:14:00.000-04:00

Did good Saturday.

Slipped Sunday.

Back to the grind today.

Week 2 and I'm already frustrated?

2011-05-21T08:18:00.002-04:00

Beginning weight: 235
Last week's weight: 218.8
This week's weight: 218.8
This week's loss: n/a
Total loss: 16.2 pounds
Left to lose: 51.8 pounds

This past week (and, really, for the past two weeks), I have followed Weight Watchers perfectly. I have never gone above my allotted points (not even using exercise points or the weekly points). I exercised three days this week. I had more fruits and vegetables than ever before. I drank a ton of water. I limited my salt.

And I lost nothing.

I'm on my way to D.C. now, where I'll be eating three meals out. That terrifies me. It especially terrifies me because I'm going into it frustrated.

I still use my mantra "one slip and you will fail." But I've got to tell you that last night - home sick - I almost went to get pizza. I told myself the mantra and I felt my brain do that half-listening thing that always gets me into trouble.

I'll report back on Monday to let you know how I did.

New status updates

2011-05-15T10:48:00.003-04:00

I know you probably get tired of my wishy-washy-ness. I seem to change my diet "rules" every few months. But I am a work in progress. And works in progress will forever change their ways in order to make, well, progress.

So, now that I'm an official member of Weight Watchers again, I am weighing in weekly. So I will update you weekly, on Sundays.

But a little backpedaling first: I never gave you a status update for April. I was to work out at least 14 times. I worked out only 11. I also gained 0.2 pounds from the prior month by the time May 1 hit.

Now for the weekly update:

Today's weight: 218.8
January 1 weight: 235
Total weight loss for the year: 16.2

I'm happy to say that, despite my injury, I've already logged more days of exercise in May 2011 (7, as of today) than I did in May 2010 (6).

(Side note: My first big goal weight for the year was to be 217. At that point I would buy my first incentive, which was perfume, which I've been out of for awhile. If you remember, right before Easter, I got below 217. So I ordered my perfume. By the time it arrived, I had already gained my Easter weight, putting me back up past 220. So the perfume has sat on my dresser, unopened. I'm happy to see that I can finally open it in 2 pounds.)

So far so good

2011-05-14T20:15:00.002-04:00

The new approach - using the mantra "one slip and you will fail" - has been working very well. It's been a good week. I've stuck to the program perfectly and am feeling good.

And that's a good thing because, exercise-wise, I've got a big question mark hanging over me. My shin is no better today than it was a week ago, two weeks ago. I've been doing my rehab exercises and taking it easy - no running - but after a lot of walking yesterday, it has been sore to the touch. Epic fail. There are only two weeks till my first summer race and I really want to be able to run even a tiny part of it.

I am not backing down on exercise, though. I have continued my PowerCut classes and 3-mile walks, and I tried Step this week, which was awesome and didn't hurt the shin (that I'm aware of). I will attempt 6 miles tomorrow (walking only) but stop if the shin hurts. I don't think walking is hurting it, though perhaps speed walking is a bad thing. I'll stroll if I have to, but I really don't want to lose my mileage.

Am I doing the wrong thing? I don't know. I know that the last time I had serious shin splints, I was out of running for an entire year. I don't want to repeat that. It affects my mood, my weight, my everything. So I will keep rehabbing and try to start using a foam roller again.

Now a little side note: I'm somewhat addicted to watching the TV show "Say Yes to the Dress." Not full-on addicted. I don't tape it or anything. But if I'm bored and flipping channels, I might end up watching four or five episodes in a row. I don't know why I like it. I hate wedding shows. I fear being the girl who never gets married. Perhaps it's the fashion I love. That's what I keep telling myself.

Anyway, I was pleased that they started to show plus-size brides looking for dresses. They don't treat them like abnormalities and the dresses are just as lovely as the smaller ones. (I do, however, HATE the name they chose for the show: "Big Bliss." Why did they have to go there?)

I saw an episode last night that brought me to tears. The woman trying on dresses kept apologizing for her weight. As the stylist helped her take off a dress or helped her put on a dress, the bride-to-be would say, "I'm sorry I'm so fat." I wanted to grab her by the shoulders, look her in the eyes and tell her how beautiful she was and to stop apologizing.

But I know why I was crying. It was because it's what I used to say when I was 300 pounds. At the doctor's office. While getting a massage. I'd apologize for them having to touch me. I'd apologize on planes. At restaurants when I couldn't fit in a booth. It's sad that I can't practice what I preach. It's sad that I can see the beauty in others that I can't see in myself.

And you know what they say: No one's going to love you until you can love yourself.

I think I need to turn the channel.

Step 1, Step 2, etc.

2011-05-12T00:47:00.000-04:00

I went to a step class for the first time ever today. I was really worried b/c I am uncoordinated and my legs were still killing me from Tuesday's Power Cut "Let's do two sets each of these three kinds of squats" class. But it turned out the class wasn't bad at all. I kept up. I worked that step. I kicked and tapped and kneed. It felt great. Almost easy.

Fifteen hours later...

Going down the steps at work on my way home, I had to do the hop-down, where you don't bend your knees much as you descend. MY HAMS ARE KILLING ME!

But that's good. Until tomorrow's Power Cut class, which begins in, oh Lord, seven hours.

A new approach

2011-05-09T14:36:00.002-04:00

Well, the past two weeks have been rough. Bad eating, bad depression, bad workouts due to shin splints/foot pain/you-name-it. One thing encouraged the other, and they all fed off one another.

Bad eating
For years now, I've tried to find the weight-loss approach that would work best for me. When I lost the 150 pounds, I did it using the cold-turkey approach. No bad foods. Ever. For two years, I never ate a cookie, a piece of cake, fast-food, real chips, etc. It worked for me. After the initial hardship of resisting temptations everywhere, I found myself not wanting them anymore. When I had my most successful weight-loss attempt since then (about three years ago), I used a different approach: I ate well five or six days of the week and then allowed myself a cheat day.

Since then, I've tried variations on the second approach. And what I'm finding is that it is just not working for me. Like the tired-old comparison of an alcoholic, if I slip just once, I fall hard. So I've decided to try cold-turkey again. I've written this mantra down: "One misstep and you will fail." I need some tough love. A tough approach.

Bad depression
The depression was a combination of many, many things. But I never felt worse than when I got ready to go work out. Every single item of workout clothing makes me look horrible. And with the warmer weather, I have fewer options, fewer ways to hide. It was so bad that, on Friday, as I was getting dressed for a spin class, I tried multiple outfits, then decided I couldn't be seen in any of them. So I didn't go.

On Saturday, the plan was to run 6 miles. But when I ran across the initial street to beat traffic, I discovered terrible pain in my left shin. No matter how slow I walked and how much I warmed up, whenever I tried to run, the pain would return. It brought me so very far down. I'd pass real runners and nearly cry. I just wanted to run. I just wanted to be one of them. And the old conflict of Fat Diana versus Running Diana occupied my entire walk. If I wanted to be the latter, I had to kick the former's butt.

Bad injuries
So I begin a new week realizing that my summer calendar full of races (5Ks to 10Ks - I already had to ditch this weekend's Marine Corps Half Marathon) is at risk if I don't work hard at rehab and taking it slow. And getting some weight off. I've brought out the old exercise bands and am working on building strength in the front of my calf. I'll continue my normal workout routine, but I'll walk instead of run and I'll back off if anything hurts.

I also joined Weight Watchers online. Unfortunately, the diet has changed so much since I was last on it, I find it's terribly time-consuming trying to figure out Points. Hopefully it will get easier.

P.S. I bought a dress this weekend I absolutely love. It fits, oddly enough, even though it has a pencil skirt. It shows too much of my arms, but I still love it. I plan on thinking about that dress through this first week back. I want it to look fabulous and a little less tummy would be helpful.

I'm still here

2011-05-03T09:48:00.002-04:00

...just not much in the blogging mood these days.

Had a food setback last week after Easter (shocker) but am back on track. Still working out. Still breaking down (now the foot hurts so much I can't run). Still trudging along. Today's PowerCut class was hard but I truly felt like I was making progress. Still look like a blob in the mirror, though, especially next to all those twiggies.

I was reminded the other day that - despite it consuming every minute of my life - I am much more than my weight. Sometimes it's hard to remember that. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in every pound, every inch, that I forget that I'm more than what I see in the mirror. It's not a way to live - always focused on this big negative part of me.

But I'd be kidding myself if I said I was going to stop caring.

Good news, bad news Part 2

2011-04-25T09:37:00.002-04:00

Bad news:

I ate a lot yesterday. No candy, and, really, not many sweets (just one cupcake and a handful of pizzelles) but a lot of bread and other carbs.

Good news:

I went to bed feeling insanely sick to my stomach and depressed, and I woke up still feeling sick to my stomach and depressed. And I blame it on the sugar and other carbs and the lack of living simply that had been my life during Lent.

I am pretty hopeful that this feeling will take me back to the way I was living/eating before Easter Sunday. I was much happier.

Good news, bad news

2011-04-23T09:07:00.003-04:00

I was looking forward to today's Bunny Hop 5K. I had never done an Easter race before, and I was so pumped. Unfortunately, I've been having leg problems since Monday and they haven't gotten better. Following last Saturday's 5K (during which I felt no pain at all and stretched mightily afterward), I started out for a 10-miler on Monday, only to find some severe pain in my left leg when I ran across the street at an intersection. I was determined, though, to complete the mileage, still hoping I could do this half marathon in May. So I walked 10 miles.

I've iced all week and massaged. I was feeling OK at work yesterday and I thought, "Well, maybe I could do the 5K?" Then I walked a block to the mall and 15 minutes later was feeling some discomfort.

So. No 5K. In fact, I only worked out two times this week, which does not make me happy. I love running. I miss running. But I've got to figure out what's wrong and give it time to heal.

So that's the bad news.

On to the good.

My Lenten promise of not buying nonperishable groceries has been a challenge. But add on a new challenge I came up with last week (making the $22 in my wallet last through the end of Lent, which was a week and a half away; no credit cards or checks, either), and it was crazy hard! But I've never felt better. I had to ration what I had left, and it wasn't much. It was so little, in fact, that my calorie intake for the past week ranged from 900-1100 a day. I had to learn to live with what I had.

I ate a lot of fish and Boca patties and soup.

What I have left in my refrigerator: apple sauce and Egg Beaters. What I have left in my freezer: two Morning star sausage links; one Boca veggie burger; a bag of edamame; and lots of popsicles. What I have left in my cabinet: a can of lima beans, two salmon pouches; a couple pouches of oatmeal; and about six granola bars. Enough to get me through today.

I learned to truly appreciate what I have, which was the purpose. And to give, instead, to those in need. I get to eat a nice normal Easter meal on Sunday, but so many people will not be able to do that. I need to always remember what I have and be grateful for it.

While I have been sidelined from much exercise this week (only the 10-mile walk and one Power Cut class), eating well for the past 10 days straight has been good for my weight (imagine that!). While I only record my monthly weight, I felt I needed to record today's. One, because I'm proud of it. But two, because I do fear it will increase by May 1.

April 1 weight: 222.2
April 23 weight: 216.4

It's been hovering around 217 for most of the week, so I feel like the weight-loss is a solid one. But I've got to work on maintaining that this week and not letting the end of Lent get the best of me.

One thing I have decided: I gave up sweets for Lent (all candy, cookies, cake, pie, real ice cream), and because I'm at the point now where I don't really miss it, I've decided that, at the minimum, I'm going to keep my fast of candy. I don't want it, I don't need it, and I can live (for now) without it. Other sweets will be harder, but I will try to keep them at a minimum.

So, here I am. Injured and feeling bad about it; but devoid of sugar and feeling good about that.

Happy Easter everyone. Wishing you peace and love and renewal.

Lions and cheaters and glares, oh my!

2011-04-16T11:23:00.003-04:00

Standing at the start of this morning's 5K race and finding it an easy task to count all the runners participating, I was hit with the dreaded realization: I was going to be last. There were less than 50 people there and all looked pretty fit.

The Norfolk police officers who were riding their bikes around the course were going to be following me. The one-mile runners who couldn't start their own race until the 5K was finished were going to be waiting for me.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. My mom loves to tell the story of the race she did where the guy in charge of picking up cones on the course followed her. She came in last but still won a medal and was thrilled. And a few years ago, I ran the first 9 miles of a trail half marathon where the guy in charge of taking down the orange ribbons that led the way ended up passing me (I dropped out). My theory has always been, even if you come in last, you have beat all the millions of people who are still sleeping and never even started the race.

Still, no one who runs four days a week and trains her little heart out wants to be last.

When I arrived at the race on a very cloudy morning, with skies threatening violent storms ahead, I was immediately put at ease by the wonderful Lions Club members who organized the race. They were so sweet and I could tell they put a lot of effort into the race and the cookout that would follow. I prayed the rain would hold off for them.

So, standing at the start line and thinking about the idea of coming in last, my heart was still full with the fact that the $20 I paid would go to a good cause. My bigger worry at the moment was that the Lions Club didn't get enough racers in order to come out ahead. I hoped they made enough money to make the race worth it for them.

The race began on a high school track. We were to run a lap, then go out into a neighborhood, where we'd make two laps, then return to the track for a lap and a half. As I started around the track, my fear was soon realized: I was the last runner by a long shot. I then started to worry that I would be so far behind I'd get lost.

Once out in the neighborhood, I passed a woman. Then another. Then, a woman in a green tank top who was slightly ahead of me decided to wait for her friend (the second woman - in a purple tank top - I'd passed). So that was three! Then I passed a fourth.

So I was feeling pretty good. I'd passed four people, I wasn't last, and I was making pretty good time. And I hadn't stopped to walk. My goal was to finish without walking.

Then.

Well, then, around Mile 2, Ms. Green Tank Top and Ms. Purple Tank Top came crossing over ahead of me. They were taking a shortcut. And no one was stopping them. As they turned onto my path, I realized they were now a good 10 yards ahead of me. All of a sudden and without doing anything wrong, I had dropped back to third-from-last.

"Cheaters!" I wanted to scream to the Lions Club members, pointing at Green and Purple. But, come on. This was a race for a charity and it wasn't like I was going to win. I'd have to be the bigger person.

That didn't stop me, however, from speeding up a tad. And shooting a few glares at their backs.

And then passing them AGAIN.

Yes, I did, and I was thrilled. I finished the race without stopping, I passed four people (two of them twice), and I did it with my best pace since October.

Afterward, I sat on the sidelines to watch the 1-mile race. I wanted to see those crazy fast runners and cheer them on. I watched them speed by and I clapped. Then, they were followed by a huge crowd of people carrying canes and walking with partners. Many of them were blind. Some had other disabilities. I cheered louder and stronger.

I had planned on staying just to watch the speed demons finish (the winner did in 4:35). But I enjoyed watching and cheering on the others more. They were the true heroes. They had taken no shortcuts. Yet they were winners, all.

POSTSCRIPT: So, turns out there were only 41 runners (and I think two were technically walkers). I came in 35th! And I came in second in my age group! (Though, er, there were only two of us in my age group.) No matter!

Sigh

2011-04-12T23:04:00.002-04:00

It so figures.

After a great week of exercise and running last week, this week I'm saddled with knee pain. I haven't done any exercise since Friday's spin class when the pain started.

Despite Advil and ice packs and no exercise, the knee still hurts.

Did I mention that I'm signed up for two 5Ks, a 10K and a half marathon all within the next month?

I was cocky and now I'm being punished.

A little truth-telling

2011-04-08T10:26:00.002-04:00

Since the beginning of the year, I've "weighed in" for you by telling you how much I've lost and a few of my goals. But I've avoided telling you how much I weighed because I was so ashamed. Of course, if you were dying to know, you could do a little math and figure it out. But typing those numbers was terrifying to me.

It's time to rip the Band-Aid off.

And after I tell you, maybe you'll see why I'm so anxious to get these first 20 pounds off and why I'm so frustrated it's not happening as quick as I'd like.

In mid-October, I got down to 207 pounds. By Jan. 1, I weighed 235 pounds.

Yeah. I gained nearly 30 pounds in two months.

More painful was the idea that I had entered that "100 pounds lost" territory. You see, as long as I weighed less than 217 pounds, I could say that I've kept off 100 pounds since 2005 (instead of focusing on the 50 I regained). At 235, I was entering that Danger Zone: If I kept it up, I could be back to 300 pounds in a few months.

So I have worked and worked and worked to get to my first real goal: under 217. I expected to be there by March 1. It's now April 8, and I weigh 222 pounds.

I have all these mini-goals with incentives attached (217, 210, 199, 185, 175, 167) but I haven't even met the first one yet. Frustrating.

The scary thing is how quickly I could gain 30 pounds and, even with an insane amount of work, how long it's taken me to lose a mere 13 pounds.

On a bright note
I'm not seeing results on the scale or in the mirror or in my clothes. BUT I did see major progress on the street yesterday. After my hourlong Power Cut class, I started on my three-miler. I was pretty sore, so I decided to walk the first mile and then see where things went. I had a great run on Tuesday, so I wasn't going to push myself. If I could run, great; if I had to walk, that was just fine.

After that first mile, I started in on a jog. My arms were sore, so it was hard to even pump them. But after a few minutes, I realized something amazing: The run was feeling effortless. I decided to just keep going, a half mile at a time, and see how far I could run without stopping. I also decided I wouldn't turn around at the 1.5-mile point; it was such a beautiful day and I was feeling so good, I was just going to run until I felt like turning around.

I ended up running three miles straight and those three miles felt wonderful, like I was just gliding along (albeit slowly). I stopped at three miles b/c I have a long run scheduled for Sunday and didn't want to overdo it. Then I walked 1.5 miles home. A total of 5.5 miles after an hourlong class.

For three months, I've been working out steadily four days a week, strength training, running, walking and spinning. And I'm finally starting to see that work pay off in my running.

And that's something.

March recap

2011-04-03T10:28:00.002-04:00

Like a broken record from February: The exercise was great; the weight-loss, not so much.

The goals:
Lose 9 pounds
Work out more than 12 days (or more than 9 days if you don't include at-work exercise breaks)

How did I do?
Lost 3.2 pounds (to make a total of 12.8 pounds since Jan. 1)
Worked out 15 days + 1 day of just walk breaks at work= 16 days
* Nine of those workouts were two hours or longer in length

April goals
Lose 5.2 pounds
Work out more than 14 days (or more than 8 days if you don't include at-work exercise breaks)

I was so upset and frustrated on April 1 when I weighed in. I worked SO hard in March. And I ate SO well. But when I looked more realistically at the past month, I saw that I went over my calorie allotment five of those days. At least one of those five days I went way over the allotment.

A huge part of me still wants to be upset that I spent so much time at the gym and pounding the pavement - and five cheat days isn't huge - and didn't even lose a pound a week. But I have to decide what I really want: Perfection and more rapid weight-loss or the chance to eat lasagna and calamari every now and then.

I know I should seek perfection. But I've got to tell you, I'm so tired. Tired of making goals and failing. Tired of trying so hard and failing. Tired of saying "I can do this!" and knowing the reality of my life.

So all I can tell you this month is this: As long as my legs remain healthy, I will keep running and spinning and PowerCutting. Why? Because I love it. And until Easter, I can guarantee I won't be eating any candy or cake or cookies or pie or anything considered a non-diet sweet. And, for the most part, I will eat 1,200-1,500 calories a day during the workweek. Whether I can meet my five-pound weight-loss goal this month....that I just can't say.

But I'll try.

Reason #596 why the scale should be tossed

2011-03-29T10:33:00.003-04:00

Because after almost having an anxiety attack this weekend as I obsessed about what the scale might read, I finally stepped on it.

Then, as obsessions go, I stepped on it again today.

From yesterday morning to this morning - and in between running 7 miles and eating a diet full of veggies and fruit and under 1,200 calories - I gained a pound.

Scales are evil.

The scale obsession

2011-03-24T19:30:00.003-04:00

It's sad how women are obsessed with the scale. We step on it daily, and our mood is based on the number that appears. Nevermind the extra salt we ate the night before or the extra water we're holding on to. If the number is bigger than the day before, we take it as a sign of failure. Or an excuse to kick the scale and dive into a box of chocolates. "The scale said I'm fat, so I might as well enjoy it."

The Daily Weigh-In has its benefits: It can help keep us on track. But, for me, the obsession with the scale translates into something else: stress. And stress is no good for people trying to lose weight. Ever hear of the stress hormone cortisol? It latches on to your stomach and will make the weight-loss effort twice as hard.

So I decided to try something: I decided to only weigh myself once a month. Yeah, you heard that right. Last time I weighed in was the beginning of March and I don't plan to step on the scale again until next Friday, April 1.

Of course, being me, now I'm afraid it will cause me even more stress. Because now I have a number I want to see, and what if it's unrealistic? I don't know if it's unrealistic because I don't know what the past few weeks have translated into weight-wise. I've been very good in my eating, not even using the half marathon as an excuse to eat poorly. And I gave up all sweets for Lent. And with the exception of my weeklong taper before the race, I'm working out hard. But I've done all that before and haven't seen results. And my clothes feel no different.

I came very close to stepping on the scale yesterday morning. Just to give myself perspective for next week. But my immediate fear was that I'd see a bad number and blow my last weekend before the weigh-in. That's what the past two months have been like: Do good most of January, drop big pounds, eat bad the last weekend, gain most of it back. Eat good most of February, drop big pounds, eat bad the last weekend, gain most of it back. I don't want to do that in March.

So I'm going to wait.

And hope I don't end up kicking the scale into oblivion.

Teensy tiny sign of progress

2011-03-22T11:02:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure how wise it was to do a two-hour workout two days after the half marathon, but my thinking was that I needed to stretch these tired, tight muscles. I'm glad I went; I am just in desperate need of a long nap now.

The good news is that, for the first time, I noticed a tiny sign of progress in PowerCut class today. I still can't do those scissor ab exercises for the life of me, but during a few of the exercises, I found myself being able to hold on a little longer. Not much. But a little.

Felt pretty good.

This one goes out to the one(s) I love

2011-03-20T17:02:00.012-04:00

On Sunday morning, I ran the Shamrock Half Marathon with 42 good friends and family members.

"What?" you might be thinking. "I didn't know you were running with others. I thought it was a solo event for you."

It could have been. But this race was different. Though I lined up at the race start alone - a fierce cold wind whipping through the corral and threatening to blow off everyone's ball caps, shamrock headbands and tall green hats; feeling sick to my stomach as I worried about my less-than-great training, my clothing choices, my history of injury and my rumbling, sickly tummy - I would soon be accompanied by childhood friends, pals from college, co-workers, relatives, even my deceased grandma and grandpa.

It just took a press of my iPod's "play" button.

Mile 0-1
The first song was "Ready to Run," recommended by my friend and co-worker Lauren K. She's the kind of friend who will read my blog post about being lonely at church and by the next Sunday will be sitting beside me at Mass, offering a hug during the sign of peace. Now - despite a self-proclaimed hatred of running - she was with me in those first steps of the race.

"So Magical"

"The Entertainer"

The idea, which I came up with the night before the race, was to have friends recommend songs I could run to, and I'd think of them as their tune played. I put a bunch of other favorite running songs in between the recommendations. But just a mile into the race, I decided to think of other people, too, based on whatever song came up. It was the best idea I've ever had.

Mile 1-2
"Breathless," recommended by childhood friend Meghan D. She feared it would be a tacky choice - as, you know, I kinda NEED breath during this run - but it was a great rhythm to run to. During this 3:26-minute song, I thought of our days singing together in middle school, wearing those tacky red taffeta dresses in Triple Trio.

"Keep On, Keep On," dedicated to my future marathon. It's one of those trippy songs from "The Brady Bunch," and I have trained many miles with it as I worked toward a yet-to-be-completed marathon. I thought of those hard days. I thought of that future date when I could run to it and the phrase "You can hear the music coming 26 miles away, woo! yeah! woo!" would really mean something.

"Survivor." I thought of my mom, all she's been through and all she's done for me. And because of the phrase "Cause my momma taught me better than that."

"Sexy B--tch," recommended by childhood friend Heather H. A fun song I had never heard before that kept me moving.

Mile 2-3
"The Christians and the Pagans." I thought of dear friend Brianne W. When I first moved to Virginia Beach in 2005, I felt separated from most of my co-workers because I lived farther away (most of them lived in Norfolk). But Brianne would drive out to my place often. We'd chat and chat. She introduced me to this song and I remember her playing it on Christmas Day when she was hospitalized. She's so strong, so kind, and while I don't see her much since she moved away, she ran with me during this song as I thought about all she has done for me.

"Before He Cheats." A nice country tune for a nice country boy, Terry P. He's not the cheating type, but I thought of him during this tune because I didn't have any Randy Travis on my playlist. I thought of my decade of friendship with Terry, our mountain trips, our church visits, his priceless friendship.

"Lose Yourself," recommended by high school friend Susan C. and a favorite running song of mine. I thought of those high school days at White Oak and our circle of friends.

"Beat It." I can still picture myself outside during Stephanie P.'s wedding, hearing Michael Jackson tunes come on and taking off inside to dance. So this song reminded me of her. And, seriously, I almost cried. I miss Stephanie. She moved two years ago, but prior to that, we'd go for short runs in our neighborhood. So it wasn't hard for me to picture her running with me now. "Come on, Diana," she said in my ear.

Mile 3-4
"Born to Run." In a few minutes, Greg R. would be getting ready to run his umpteenth marathon. Of course I thought of him during this song, telling me as we rode to the Shamrock how I'd do just fine, not to worry, to have fun. If anyone was born to run, it's him. Hours later, I would find out that Greg's marathon time of 3:06 not only qualified him for the Boston Marathon, but was three minutes faster than MY half.

"Ain't Nothin' Gonna Break My Stride," recommended by good friend Michael L. As Michael has begun taking up running lately and really loves a good game of tennis, I could easily picture him trotting next to me. I thought of how we met at The Star-News many moons ago, how he bought me a serenity candle when I was particularly stressed one day, how I went to his wedding, how he often calls me up to quote "The Princess Bride."

"The Impossible Dream." Oh, this was a tough 3:53 minutes for me. Not physically but emotionally as I thought of my late grandparents. During all 13.1 miles, I grabbed tight to a green knitted bracelet, a remnant of my grandma's handiwork that I squirreled away during a visit when she was still alive. During all 13.1 miles, I thought of her and prayed to her for strength during the miles. But during this song in particular, I thought of her and my grandpa traveling from Italy with their large family to make a better life for them. Grandma and Grandpa didn't run with me (I just couldn't picture it) but I could see them sitting side-by-side on their orange floral couch and saying in their thick Italian accents, "Hello Diana." I cried.

Mile 4-5
"Shattered (Turn the Car Around)." This song will forever remind me of spin class at the YMCA, as my instructor used to play it a lot back in the day. So it was during this song that I thought of my current spin buddies Colleen M. and John R. During this mile, the race had us running up a gradual hill on Shore Drive. So I put Colleen and John to work, picturing John pulling me up the hill with a rope and Colleen pushing me from behind. They've been a huge support system in my life and wonderful friends, so picturing them doing this was easy. I'm so lucky to have them in my life.

"Church Rulez." Oh Roselee P., my dear, dear friend. I thought of her during this song because it's one we've shared before as fellow Catholics. She's been with me through everything, and I thought of all the moments we've shared over the past 15 years. Roselee knows how much I wanted to do a marathon but also knows how much the training hurt my body. So during this song, I thought of her reminding me to listen to my body, don't push it, be careful. I promised her I would.

"Bad Romance," recommended by friend and former co-worker Becky L., who has been so supportive of me over the past few months via Facebook. Who knew this Gaga song would be such a great running song?

"Avenue Q theme/What Do You Do..." Well, of course I thought of my sister, and by extension, my brother-in-law. Every time I hear an "Avenue Q" song while I'm running, I think of her singing solely to me and she gets me through the rough patches. My sister and brother-in-law are the most supportive, loving people and are my biggest cheerleaders. So I pictured them holding signs and cheering (sans puppets).

Mile 5-6
"Man of La Mancha," dedicated to friend and former co-worker Amy H. I also pictured her crooning Irish ditties to me, with her dog Dugan.

"Extraordinary." Great song, inspiring and during my race dedicated to friend and former co-worker Sherry J. Sherry has done amazing things this past year, transforming her body and her spirit and inspiring everyone around her. I thought of her struggles, past and present, and told her as we ran together how extraordinary she is every day. She ran with me for those 3:25 minutes and I saw her surge ahead and knew she'd be just fine in her continued journey.

"Walking on Sunshine," recommended by Katrina M. Oh, this was a fun one. During the song, Kat linked her arm in one of mine and her husband, Jamie, took the other and we ran arm-in-arm like school kids as the song happily played along. Kat and Jamie have always been insanely supportive in my weight-loss journey and I'll never forget their kindness and support.

"It's Your Life." This song is an anthem to those who want to take control over their lives. It reminded me of my good friend Jana C. and all she has done for me since the day my weight-loss journey began. I thought about the day she came over to help me choose what to wear to my high school reunion, when I had lost the first 30 or so pounds. How she told me she was pregnant and the day I held her son when he was born. I thought about saying goodbye to her when I moved and the many trips she took to see me since then. How, when I was training for my first half marathon, she sent me inspiring letters in the mail. And called the front desk of the hotel I was staying at in Alaska to wish me good luck before that first race. And while we don't see each other much these days, I realized as she ran with me how very lucky I am to have her as a friend.

Mile 6-7
"Eye of the Tiger," dedicated to a most awesome runner and friend, Lori K. We talked about running a half marathon together later this year, but that might not be possible now. Luckily, we had this time together, and I enjoyed every step, thinking of this amazing person, what a true hero she is to me and what a true hero she'll be to her baby.

"This One's For the Girls." I immediately thought of great friend and co-worker Laurie V., who had left me a message the night before to wish me good luck in the race, even though she wasn't sure I was signed up. She's always supported me and my running, even coming out to my first Shamrock ages ago to cheer me on in cold weather. She's the kind of friend who naturally planned - without being asked - to come to the Marine Corps Marathon to cheer me on, even though she was quite pregnant. She's an awesome mother, an awesome friend and one of those runners who can whip me in a race without even training. But this time, she ran side-by-side with me.

"I Feel Fantastic," dedicated to good friend and co-worker Brian C., who introduced me to this song on a recent trip. He's one of the best people I know.

"How Far We've Come." I thought of friend and former co-worker Sherry R. who walked with me daily this summer on a visit to Norfolk. When we were having dinner one night, this song was playing in the background. I kicked it up a little during this mile, just for her.

Around this point, I had to start skipping over songs from my playlist because I was actually running faster than I had expected and wanted to stay on track with the recommended songs.

Mile 7-8
"Livin' on a Prayer," dedicated to college friend Jodi D., who is the kind of friend who lights up a room with her inside and outside beauty. I thought of the days we hung out in Manly Dorm, her incredible kindness, corny jokes, beautiful heart.

"Afternoon Delight," recommended by college friend Duane W. I laughed and laughed as this song played and remembered laughing much with Duane during my last year at UNC. I remembered feeling very alone living on my own after I graduated and receiving letters in the mail from him, which always brightened my day. He is a great runner, and it was great to finally run with him.

"You Know My Name," recommended by college friend Mark B. As the song is from a Bond movie, Mark said he always imagined being chased or chasing someone as it played during a run. I was feeling a little tuckered at this point so I wasn't about to chase anyone. But I did run, just for Mark, who was behind me, supporting me. He's always been the most wonderful friend: From our days working at Kerr Drugs, to midnight Mass on Christmas Eve and breakfasts at the Waffle House, to meeting his beautiful future wife to holding his baby daughter, I thought of this awesome guy. I also thought of his awesome family and the hilarious stories his wife posts about their children on Facebook.

"All I Need." I thought of Lori again and the time we sat in my living room singing this Jack Wagner classic and bonding over "General Hospital" memories.

Mile 8-9
"Super Hero," dedicated to my super hero, wonder woman Rosemary T.

"Not Afraid," recommended by high school friend Amber J. I had never heard this song before, though I'd read about it. I loved it and can't wait to run to it again. Throughout the lyrics, I thought of Amber's amazing, inspiring journey, and I thought of my own and how I need to press on, no matter the stumbling blocks.

"Schadenfreude," dedicated to the hilarious Pilot night desk. I truly can't imagine working with a better group of people.

"Viaje Infinito," dedicated to fabulous runner and friend Megan R. During a particularly good run last year in D.C., this song played and I remember rocking those "four minutes." Well, Megan lives in D.C., so, hence, I thought of her, and she was my running partner during this part of the race. It was like the old days, when we ran together back in North Carolina. She's ultra speedy now, so it was great to run with her for "four minutes."

Mile 9-10
"Glow in the Dark," recommended by high school friend Brian G. I pictured his big smile, his beautiful wife, his kids, whom I've never met but can imagine to be little versions of him. I thought of our days at White Oak. I remembered posing with him at a park for our yearbook's "Best All Around" photo. It was quite an honor to be named that with a true best-all-around: a handsome, hilarious, smart, athletic guy. One of his e-mail addresses contains the word "blacktoe," so I also pictured him telling me during the run "Hey, I know a thing about black toes! Move faster!"

"Hey Julie," dedicated, of course, to good friend Julie VK. I always think of Julie during this song. She's the most amazing athlete I know. "I'd never make it through without you around, no I'd never make it through without you around."

"Against the Wind," in honor of a great supporter, Betsy. I love, love running to this song. It's when I most relax during a run and just enjoy being out there. I thought of Betsy, whom I have never met but has supported me ever since my weight-loss journey began in 2003. She still reads my blog and is always, always there to encourage me. I don't know how she does it - she just never gives up on me.

Mile 10-11
"Born this Way," recommended by running buddy and great friend Laura M. She's my constant: a fabulous friend, a steady running partner, a support system. She's the kind of friend who, when I was worried that my appendix was causing my side pain, said she'd keep her phone on all night in case I needed to go to the ER. She ran with me, again, during this song and didn't even mind when I had to stop for a walk break.

"Beat It," a repeat for Stephanie again.

"Dirty Little Secret," dedicated to runner and friend J.J. E. I don't know of any "dirty" little secrets of J.J.'s, but he had been holding a pretty big one back for awhile, so I suppose that's what made me think of him! I thought of what a great dad he's going to be, because he's already a wonderful partner and friend.

Mile 11-12
"You're Only Human (Second Wind)," recommended by high school friend Becki L. I can only say, Thanks Twin! Becki knows what a big Billy Joel fan I am, which is why she recommended this song. But I had never even thought of it as a running tune. It turned out to be just what I needed around mile 11 when I certainly needed a second wind! As Becki ran with me, I thought of our fun high school days and her unending support.

"No More Drama," recommended by friend and former co-worker Deirdre M. Wow, another great song for running I had never heard before. I particularly liked the "no more pain" part. I thought about my very first job out of college, when I felt like everyone around hated me. Except Deirdre. She took me under her wing and was a friend when I needed one most. She got me through some rough times.

"F--K You." This one was dedicated to The Race and how I expected to feel about it around mile 12.

Mile 12-13.1
"It's the End of the World As We Know It." I really didn't think of anyone, just that I didn't think I could take one more step and that it just might be the end of the world as I knew it.

"The Ecstasy of Gold," recommended by friend and former co-worker Nafari V. I thought of her incredible kindness and her running accomplishments. And Pittsburgh.

"What Are You Waiting For," recommended by friend and co-worker Barbie D. I love Barbie, a fabulous friend and talented designer, but I have to admit that at this point, with the finish line taunting me, I couldn't think of anything other than Just Keep Going. It was at this point, when I almost stopped, that a man on the sidelines read my name on my race bib and said (incredibly convincing) "Diana, I am SO proud of you." What was I waiting for? I kept running.

"Dirty Diana." Funny. The last song was supposed to be "What Are You Waiting For," and I threw "Dirty Diana" on afterward just to have some extras. I didn't realize how significant it would be to have this song be the last one playing as I approached the finish line. Scratch that. As WE approached the finish line.

Because, you see - and this wasn't planned - as the last song came on and I saw the King Neptune statue signifying the end of the race, everyone gathered around me and we all ran down the Boardwalk. Lauren and Meghan and Mom and Heather and Brianne and Terry and Susan and Stephanie and Greg and Michael and Grandma and Grandpa and Colleen and John and Roselee and Becky and Stephanie and Craig and Amy and Sherry and Katrina and Jamie and Jana and Lori and Laurie and Brian and Sherry and Jodi and Duane and Mark and Rose and Amber and Megan and Brian and Julie and Betsy and Laura and J.J. and Becki and Deirdre and Nafari and Barbie. And it was at this point that I got choked up to the point where my chest heaved and my face squinted and I cried. I was so thankful at that moment. I was surrounded by so much love and I realized that I HAVE been surrounded by so much love during this whole journey. It was amazing to finish that race feeling so blessed, so loved.

Postscript: My time of 3:09 was not my worst half marathon performance (that was 3:20)! I beat the time I was shooting for (3:15), didn't hurt in any way, and while my stomach continued to hurt post-race, I will rank this race high in terms of feeling good. All because of my new running buddies.

Pictures worth a thousand doughnuts

2011-03-17T13:13:00.002-04:00

I received a horrible, horrible surprise in my inbox the other day: photos from last week's race.

They were horrid. I'm talking "oh-my-God-that-can't-be-me" horrid. I take photos of myself every month, hoping to see my weight-loss, so I AM forcing myself to look at what I've become. But these photos were 10 times worse. I used to say I was shaped like a snowman, but now apparently I'm just shaped like a snowball. A snowball with a potato-shaped head plopped on top.

Incentive to work harder? I hope. Incentive to at least SMILE when I'm running? Better believe it.

Too much vs. too little

2011-03-13T19:00:00.005-04:00

It felt wonderful running yesterday. It was just a 5K, and, yes, according to the race stats, I was 264th out of 285 runners. But I ran faster than I had all year, didn't hurt and enjoyed the experience.

And as it was the "Race for Orangutans," I did get to see two sweet orangs after the run.

I am going into this week unsure what I should do exercise-wise, as the half marathon is on Sunday. Rest, I feel, is the way to go. But that means I really need to watch my calorie intake.

At least I know what I'll be eating.

You see, I made a decision last night as I sat at Saturday night Mass. I had just written a check to donate to Operation Rice Bowl. But as I signed my name, I realized something. The previous check, written just hours prior, was three times the amount I was donating. And it was to the grocery store.

My freezer is now filled to the rim with frozen meals, veggies and other foods. Plenty of food to last me more than 40 days.

A few years ago, I did a little experiment for the newspaper where I decided to live on the food I already had and not buy any more (besides fruit, veggies, bread, milk) until my freezer and cabinet were empty. It was hard, but very fulfilling.

It's time to do that again. And to give the money I'd normally spend on groceries during Lent to Operation Rice Bowl, which helps the poor and hungry both here and abroad.

I've taken on some personal Lenten promises already, but last night's realization and decision gave me more inner peace than "giving up sweets." And while I know you're not supposed to share Lenten sacrifices with others, I thought it could be good to share this one, to maybe help others realize how much they, too, have while others have so little.

There are many reasons I hate that I have become obese again. I truly hate how I look. I hate that I can't run well anymore. I hate that my self-confidence has plummeted. I hate the way old friends look at me like I've disappointed them for failing. But you know what I also hate? That, on the way to becoming this way, I wasted so much food - food that others so desperately need.

Maybe during these 40 days, I'll think about that a little more.

The alcoholic in me

2011-03-10T22:59:00.003-05:00

No, you didn't just discover a dark secret of mine. My friends will confirm: The closest I get to drunk is my one margarita a month (maybe two if I'm feeling feisty).

But I suffer an addiction just the same. And anyone who has read even one entry of this blog knows that addiction is to food.

So why the alcoholic comparison?

We all know alcoholics can get sober. But you only have to say the words "Charlie Sheen" to know they also suffer setbacks.

I was thinking about this as I heard Dr. Drew Pinsky (a la "Celebrity Rehab") talk about addiction and how it's so much harder for an addict when he relapses. The first time he sought help for drug or alcohol addiction, he learned all the tricks, all the rules, he followed the guidebook, fought his demons and came out sober. But the second time, he goes in knowing it all already. He thinks "I did it before and I'll do it again." Dr. Drew calls them "repeat rehabbers" and they're hard to wrangle.

I've often thought about my big weight-loss of 2003-2005 and have tried to re-create everything I did back then. But time after time, I fail. Why did I succeed back then but I can't now? I know all the tricks, all the rules. I know what's proper to eat, how best to use exercise, how important drinking water is, etc. And that, Dr. Drew might say, is the problem. I know too much. Or rather, I think I know it all.

As a "repeat rehabber," I need to be more careful. I need to treat this effort like I did back in 2003. Fresh. Open. Willing to take advice and seek help. And careful not to let my guard down.

Getting to the root of it

2011-03-06T22:10:00.004-05:00

When I was a little girl, I always felt a sense of peace whenever I went to church. My family life wasn't pleasant, but those moments spent at St. Benedict helped me get through some tough times.

When I grew older, I started attending church by myself. Not regularly. But I'd come and go, arriving in the pew by myself, leaving by myself. In between, as I sat in God's house, I'd look at those around me, the older couples, the younger couples, the families. And though I was sad I was alone, I always held out a little hope that one day I wouldn't be sitting and praying alone, that I'd have someone by my side to share my faith with.

I've moved around a lot - from Pittsburgh to Jacksonville to Chapel Hill to Wilmington to Oak Island to Norfolk. And in every city, for the most part, I've sat and prayed and sang alone. When the priest would direct us to share the sign of peace, I had to stand still, head bowed for a second or so, while families and couples around me said "Peace be with you" to their own first. My dream was to have someone to say that to, a little hand to shake, a family.

It had been awhile since I'd been to church. I go a few times a year, mostly during the season of Lent. But now that I don't work Saturday nights, I decided to go last night. I've been feeling restless, distracted, and in a very selfish way, I hoped the Mass would give me a bit of peace in my heart. Some direction.

I wasn't prepared for what would happen.

As I sat in my pew, alone and up against the far right-hand wall, I looked around at the old couples, the young couples, the families. And my heart began to ache. For the very first time, I sat there knowing it's very likely I never will have that experience I had always wanted. No family around me, no little hand to shake, no husband to whisper "Peace be with you" to. I'm 36. I can no longer pretend there's plenty of time left for it to happen.

I don't know if that moment on Saturday night was the catalyst for what came, or if it was just meant to be because of who I am. But I would end up overeating. And skipping today's 12-mile run - which was to be the last long training run before my half marathon.

The emptiness was so loud, I could barely breathe, if that makes sense.

There are times I think I am hopeless and that I'm all alone in this struggle. Then, as I flipped channels on TV this weekend, I stumbled upon one of the Eddie Murphy "Nutty Professor" scenes. It was just one scene, but it was when he was working out, running up steps and taking an aerobics class. He was happy and enthused and ready to get that weight off (i.e. me, earlier this week). I turned the channel immediately after, because I remembered the scene that was to come: him being rejected and going home and eating everything in sight (i.e. me, this weekend).

I know I'm not alone. I know others (even fictional characters) struggle, too. With depression and weight and the way they feed off each other. So often, I hope that by writing about my own struggles, I'll figure something out. I'll dig deep enough that the wounds I'm trying so hard to fill with food begin to heal on their own.

I'm trying to get to that root of the problem. Perhaps a little too publicly. I don't know how wise that is. But if there's anyone out there who, after reading this, knows they're not alone, then it's worth it.

Peace be with you all.

The dance

2011-03-04T14:55:00.004-05:00

I'm tuckered.

I've been pushing myself this week, harder than before, and all I can say is I can't wait for tomorrow - my rest day. Sunday was 11 miles; Tuesday was 3; Wednesday was a 2-hour workout, including spin class; Thursday was a 2-hour workout including PowerCut; today was a 1-hour spin class with no energy left to do much more.

The diet has gone well this week, though I must say I have been much hungrier with the extra exercise. I try to offset the hunger with water, apples, fiber of any kind, but sometimes I just have to suck it up and let myself be hungry. There's a lot of research out there that says that exercise can sabotage weight-loss because the more you exercise, the hungrier you are and the more you eat, which can negate the calories you burned exercising. I don't want to fall victim to that ... again. It's the reason I gained weight while training for a marathon. It's the reason I can exercise like a fiend and not lose an ounce.

Another thing I really need to watch: The half marathon is two weeks away. I CANNOT let myself get injured this close to the first half I'll have done in two years. There's been a slight twinge in my left knee, so I ice and try to not favor it during spin class. I hope I can be successful in my last long training run before the race; I need to do 12 miles on Sunday. Hopefully tomorrow's rest day will help these little legs heal from a very busy week.

It's such a dance, this weight-loss effort. Work out hard, but not so hard that you sideline yourself with injury. Work out hard, and eat enough that you have the energy to work out hard, but don't eat so much that the weight doesn't come off.

I've been dancing all my life, and it gets tiring. But I can't let myself sit this one out.

February recap

2011-03-02T10:08:00.002-05:00

The exercise was great; the weight-loss, not so much.

The goals:
Lose 11.4 pounds (to make a total of 18 pounds)
Work out more than 10 days

How did I do?
Lost 3 pounds (to make a total of 9.6 pounds)
Worked out 14 days + 6 days of just walk breaks at work= 20 days

March goals
Unrealistic goal to keep me on track: 17.4 pounds
Realistic-ish goal: 9 pounds
Work out more than 12 days (or more than 9 days if you don't include at-work exercise breaks)

So, as you can see, I'm not on track, though I guess I haven't been since Jan. 1, huh? I'm proud of my exercise, though, and will just keep trying to avoid the emotional eating that has sabotaged my efforts.

Onward...

Ouch

2011-02-24T10:35:00.002-05:00

I was able to sleep without much pain in my side/back last night, and the pain was practically nonexistent during work yesterday (though the nausea remains), so I decided to return to PowerCut this morning.

The alarm went off at 7:20, and after a few "snooze" attempts, I tried to talk myself out of it: It may be too soon to go back. You may hurt yourself again. Take another day off.

But I realized that was just the laziness talking.

The class was OK. For the most part, I felt fine. But there was one exercise that brought back the side pain x 200. The exercise where you're in a pushup position, with your feet on an exercise ball and you roll the ball in and out. Just putting my feet on the ball, the pain screamed. So I had to sit it out.

After class, I was pooped. I hadn't eaten much the night before because I had over-snacked in the afternoon, so my tank was on empty. But I was already outside and knew I needed to at least walk 3 miles. Luckily, I found some energy and ran about half the 3.

Home now, I am very glad I talked myself out of another lazy day. I'm hurting a bit - and what's with this nausea? - but at least I burned some calories.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm returning to bed!

Hiccup

2011-02-23T14:24:00.002-05:00

Ups and downs, I tell you, are going to be the death of me.

I had a good run on Sunday. I did 10 miles, which made me very happy, because it keeps me on track for the Shamrock Half Marathon in less than a month.

But then, around Mile 8, I fell. I scraped up my elbow, but besides that and my clothing covered in dirt, there didn't appear to be any bad side effects. I got right back up and kept on running. I even ate well on Sunday and just had a big salad.

Monday, I woke up feeling nauseated with a backache. The backache turned into pain in my lower right abdomen. The pain and nausea were so bad I called in sick to work and kept the electric blanket wrapped around me.

The pain was still bad Tuesday, so I went to the doctor. He said the pain could be from the fall. Or it could be unrelated and my appendix. I'd just have to wait and see if the pain got worse. Tuesday at work was hard and uncomfortable.

Today, the pain in the side has subsided, but the nausea still comes and goes and the back pain is still there - now more of a discomfort.

So I suppose I did more than scrape my elbow on that run.

What it's done is sideline me from all exercise this week, which, in turn, has made me incredibly depressed. I missed my PowerCut class on Tuesday and I haven't run (or walked) since Sunday. I had plans to make this week a big push to meeting my monthly weight-loss goal (or getting close) but, instead and once again, I'm doing worse.

It's always something with me, isn't it?

On my way

2011-02-17T10:37:00.002-05:00

I'm pleased to say I returned to the PowerCut class at 8:15 this morning. I took an Advil before the class b/c I was still mega sore from Tuesday's workout. I think it helped a lot, because while the class was still killer, at least I was able to crunch and squat and lunge and lift, whereas I had trouble bending down to tie my shoe last night.

After class, like on Tuesday, I set out for a run. On Tuesday, I found the task impossible. I couldn't even lift my feet off the ground. Today, though, I took a deep breath and began a slot trot. It was tough but I did it.

Now it's not even 11 a.m. and I've managed to log an hourlong class plus a three-mile run. It's a gorgeous day, and I'm really glad I was able to get out there.

It took me a long time to find the courage to attend the class, but my hope is that, now that I've started, I'll commit myself to the Tuesday/Thursday workouts. Maybe the guilt of not attending and disappointing the instructor will keep me going.

P.S. It really is true. No other woman in that class weighs more than 130 pounds. I find myself singing "One of these things is not like the other..."

Inside my head (warning: it's scary)

2011-02-15T21:45:00.007-05:00

Saturday afternoon, post race: I just ran 9 miles! It's the weekend! I'm going to splurge a little at the grocery store. I'm picking up a half dozen cupcakes. I'm putting down a half dozen cupcakes. I'm picking them up and putting them in my cart. I'm circling around the grocery store, back to the bakery and putting the cupcakes back on the shelf. I decide to instead buy one nice cupcake at the cupcake store.

Saturday, a half hour later: I buy two cupcakes.

Sunday night: I've eaten so poorly all weekend. I'll start over tomorrow. But as it's not tomorrow yet, let me eat one last bad meal.

Monday afternoon: Kelly Osbourne looked so pretty at the Grammys. I want to look like her. I must start eating better.

Monday, 4:01 p.m.: "Don't look over there," my co-worker tells me as my eyes land on the spread of Valentine's Day treats at work. Red velvet cupcakes. Chocolate-covered strawberries. Cream puffs.

Monday, 4:30 p.m.: I eat one chocolate-covered strawberry and a bunch of cantaloupe.

Monday night: I've been staring at my co-worker's Girl Scout cookies all night. It's not too late to order some from his daughter. Do I buy some? I pick up a box and look at the calories. I could just save them for a day when I splurge. But then, that could end up being tonight knowing me.

Monday, midnight: I'm smiling, glad that I've resisted the cupcakes and cream puffs and Girl Scout cookies. I set my alarm for 7:30 a.m. to try a PowerCut class, for the first time in two years.

Tuesday, 7:30 a.m.: I step on the scale. I've gained 10 pounds since Saturday. I laugh out loud. Like I really consumed 30,000 calories in three days? I don't think so. I hate my body and my yo-yo dieting lifestyle.

Tuesday, 8:15 a.m.: I stare at my fat body in the mirror at the gym. What have I become?

Tuesday, 8:17 a.m.: Two minutes into the warmup, I realize how few muscles I must be using running/spinning because these muscles haven't been used in two years.

Tuesday, 9:00 a.m.: The fat on my body is in the way of doing this exercise. It's an ab workout but I can't even bend my body that way without the fat getting in the way. No one in this class weighs more than 130 pounds.

Tuesday afternoon: A tray of cookies arrives at work. Whatever. I'm not tempted, but it may be because I can't get out of my chair because it hurts too much, from my legs to my abs to my arms.

Tuesday night: I ate too many Weight Watchers ice cream treats. It's the curse of working the day shift and coming home and watching TV. I'm still under my calorie allotment (if you count the calories burned today) but dammit, why did I do that?

Wednesday morning: It hurts to move. The goal is to run (or walk) and then take a mid-week spin class. But I can barely type. Oh what will today bring?

Not too shabby

2011-02-12T20:54:00.002-05:00

After a decent 8-mile run last Sunday, I made the last-minute decision to sign up for the Virginia is for Lovers 14K (8.7-mile) race. I've run the race every year since it began in 2009 (OK, well, twice) and had hoped to continue the streak. But I was worried. I didn't want to injure myself. I didn't want to log another Did Not Finish in my race history. And, once I again, I'm heavier than last year. Needless to say, I was a little worried leading up to today.

I only had about five hours of sleep, but that's pretty normal the night before a race. As I huddled in the corral before it began, nerves fluttered in my belly. The thing about races, for me, is that I never know until I start running whether it will be OK or not. There have been times I hefted my body into a trot only to discover that my legs were like lead and the mileage ahead was going to be brutal.

With the colder weather and recent troubles with my tight calves, I also was worried about how much time it would take to loosen up.

With the sound of the starter horn blaring, I discovered that my legs weren't as fresh as I'd have liked, but they weren't iron pegs, either. I started off slow, sped up in the middle, was somewhat consistent doing the 3/2 run/walk, but toward the end was feeling the added distance. It had been quite awhile since I'd run more than 8 miles.

As is custom at the VFL race, I was greeted at the end with a medal and a firefighter holding out a carnation. In years past, my firefighter hasn't been too thrilled to do the job. Maybe by the time I crossed the finish line he had seen thousands of other women, most pretty hot in their tiny runner's clothes, and seeing me wasn't treat. I think one year my firefighter even called me "ma'am." But this guy was nice. A most perfect carnation passed into my still-gloved hand as the firefighter said - not "Congratulations" or "Good job" but - "Happy Valentine's Day."

After cleaning up, I got into the car to meet a good friend for lunch. The line of cars leading out to Princess Anne Road was huge. I sat after the red light turned green and back to red a few cycles. It was a gorgeous day (finally!) and my car window was down. In the past few weeks, as my weight has gone up and down, so has my spirit. I've seen some very low days. But sitting in that car, my perfect carnation sitting next to me, the sun shining in my open window and a lunch to look forward to (along with a day off work), I could feel my spirit lifting. The run had been good. I finished. I wasn't hurting, beyond the normal I-just-ran-8.7-miles soreness. And at that moment, all seemed peaceful.

That's when I heard the little voice off to the left.

"Not too shabby."

I looked over, only to see this toddler (I'd say 2 or 3 years old) sitting in his carseat in the back of his dad's truck. His window was open, too. And on his face was the biggest smile I'd ever seen. A genuine smile. A flirty smile. I laughed and laughed and smiled back at the little man who - for who knows what reason - had just told me "Not too shabby."

I continued to wait at the red light. I creeped ahead when it turned green and stopped seconds later when it was red again. And soon, my mind had already drifted to thoughts of "Why is this traffic light so long?"

Then I heard him again.

"Hi."

Again with the big ole smile.

I smiled back, and, soon, my car was finally moving.

It was a good day. For a girl who doesn't have a Valentine this Valentine's Day, I still got the flower, the flirty smile and a third 14K race under my belt.

I'd say, all in all, not too shabby.

January recap

2011-02-01T12:50:00.003-05:00

Oh, January has had its ups and downs and downs and way downs, but overall it was a success for two reasons: I did lose some weight and I exercised more than last January.

The goals:
Lose 9 pounds
Exercise more than 12 days

How did I do?
I lost 6.6 pounds
Exercised 17 days. (If you count the days I just did a mini workout during my work shift, either by doing steps or a 1-mile loop, the total is 24 days.)

The month had been going much better prior to last week. I had lost even more weight and things were going well. But last week was rough. I fumbled big-time.

But perhaps that's the benefit of having monthly goals. I still lost weight. I messed up, yes. But Feb. 1 is a tad lighter than Jan. 1 and right now that's how I've got to look at things.

Now on to February. Here are the goals:
Lose 11.4 pounds (to keep me on track toward my first big goal of under 200 by May 1)
Exercise more than 10 days

I've been having some shin/knee/calf difficulties lately, so if they persist, I will have to find other ways to exercise and that might get tough. And I realize the weight goal may be unrealistic, but it's just a goal. I'll do my best.

Tough one

2011-01-24T22:06:00.003-05:00

It's been a tough day, and I worry it may be a tough week.

I spent all morning working on my proofreading job and fighting the urge to snack. Ended up eating two Weight Watchers ice cream treats before I left for work. I was in a bad mood after that, wondering why all of a sudden I'm having a hard time.

But since I arrived at work, I've managed the calories well, and I should end today only 9 calories over my 1,200 limit. I didn't do a lick of exercise today, which is why my calorie count is at the lowest number.

I'm not sure when the switch flipped, but all of a sudden I'm not feeling as motivated and energetic as I've felt in prior weeks. I'm so terribly afraid I'm starting to slip. Last night, I snacked way too much. I had the extra calories from doing 8 miles, but I shouldn't have used them all (and then some).

I'm hoping I can keep my head on straight the rest of the week so I can end the month well and on target. It's only a few days away...

Keep going

2011-01-23T22:03:00.002-05:00

I spent Saturday under a blanket proofreading all day long. I truly wasn't looking forward to going running today in this freakishly cold weather. Especially since I had to run 8 miles and I knew it would take me forever.

It DID take me forever, but I made it out there, actually driving to First Landing to run on the softer surface. Thank heaven for the sun being out, but it still was so cold. I wore two pairs of gloves and my hands still were freezing.

The big problem is that it took 4.5 miles for my calves to warm up. So I had to walk that whole distance. Then, I ran/walked the rest of the way. It felt good to finish strong.

I've eaten more than I should have today, snacking on Smarties as I proofread. Only 25 calories a packet. But those calories sure add up fast. Oh well.

It's going to be a rough week with this job due on Friday and being so behind. But I promise to stick with Diet Coke to get me through and not candy!

Spin!

2011-01-21T16:25:00.004-05:00

I was determined to make it to spin class today. I was looking forward to seeing my favorite instructor and spinning/lunching with friends afterward. And I knew if I skipped it, I'd have already broken the Friday tradition.

So when I found out I had a day shift at the newspaper, I was bummed. Mega bummed. But then my boss figured out a way I could go: If I got all my work done beforehand, I could take a lunch break and return after the spin/lunch combo.

Well, easier said than done. I had designer's block Thursday night and everything I tried, failed. I finally went home at 3:30 a.m. when the computer kicked me off - and out. I returned at 10 a.m. this morning and was able to finish up minutes before taking off for the 12:15 p.m. class.

I was beyond thrilled when my favorite instructor recognized me (after all this time) and gave me a hug and words of encouragement. I was pumped for the class and started pedaling wildly.

Fast-forward (well, slow-mo forward is more like how it felt) to 12:45 and my legs were dying. I considered stopping early but then remembered the mountain of work I had to finish just to get here. So I kept going.

At 1:04, the instructor had us do another 5 minutes of very, very hard climbing. I didn't think I was going to make it. I tried to distract my brain by thinking about work, singing a song to myself, but nothing worked. So I decided to pray. "Our Father," followed by "Hail Mary," and repeat. It seemed a little ridiculous to be thinking these prayers as the stereo blared "If You Want My Body," but it worked. The five minutes passed and, well, I felt blessed.

Hibernating

2011-01-20T10:49:00.004-05:00

All I want to do is sleep. And it's all I've been doing. It takes a great deal of effort to uncurl myself from my blanket and get outside to run or go to work.

Which made me think that, possibly, I'm a bear.

I'm supposed to be hibernating right now! After all, I spent all of November and December stocking up on food - eating everything in sight - to prepare for this hibernation period. Why, oh why, then must I be awake right now?

Seriously, I have seemed extra lazy lately. I'm sleeping way too much, which is no good and just makes me more tired. The weather sure isn't helping my motivation to change that, though.

I'm still working out. Not as much as I need to be, but I'm doing something every day. My legs, however, just feel like lead. They're sore all the time. They are not looking forward to today's run or tomorrow's spin class. But I am determined to keep pushing them.

Overall, it's going well. I know I haven't indulged you with my current weight or starting weight, but I promise I will soon. My plan this time around is to check in every month. I have those big weight goals I shared earlier, but I also have smaller month-by-month weight and exercise goals to get me there. I'll share with you where I stand.

In the meantime, I'll work on waking this bear up....after a quick nap.

Hardy har har

2011-01-17T22:12:00.002-05:00

So I resisted the dessert party only to come into work and find the table behind my desk filled with leftovers from said dessert party.

Including red velvet cupcakes and Heath bar cookies.

I've avoided looking at them and am happy to say I haven't caved in.

But, really??

Doesn't seem fair...

2011-01-17T12:04:00.002-05:00

...when I run/walk 7 miles instead of going to a dessert party, eat under my allotted calories for the day and step on the scale this morning only to see it's gone up.

Now, granted, I know my body and for some reason the scale is always up the day after I run long distances. I know it is what it is.

But I just looked at all the photos from the dessert party (for those who don't know what this is, imagine walking into a bakery filled with every single delicious thing you can think of and being allowed to eat whatever you want, as much as you want, for as long as you want) and it all looked so good and I started to think about how tasty it would have been.

It's not regret I'm feeling. I know it was for the best. But I just wanted to whine a little at the unfairness of it all!

A place for me

2011-01-15T13:08:00.002-05:00

There is a place I can go where the people treat me like a runner, no matter how much I weigh:

Running Etc., the mom-and-pop running store in Norfolk, where I finally snuck in to get new running shoes today. Snuck in and saw one of my favorite employees, John, who asked, "Training for any races?" He always asks, always inquires about my past running injuries, always encourages me. As do the others who work there, including owner Mike.

Anyway, thought I'd pass that along. I faced one fear and was met with a good deal of comfort.

First step

2011-01-14T14:37:00.002-05:00

Well, I made it to a class at the Y, finally. Granted, it wasn't a class where I could see myself in a mirror, but we're talking baby steps here. I resumed (after a 16-month hiatus) my spin class I loved so much back in the day. It was hard, to say the least, to get back in the saddle, but it felt great afterward.

It's also a great calorie burn, though I can never figure out how much I truly burn. Different sites have it ranging from 400 to 1,000 calories burned for an hour. I gave myself 600. That may be too much. But I don't tend to eat my burned calories anyhow, so it's all just for show.

I was glad I was able to get off the bike and not have wobbly legs. They even felt fine walking home. But I knew the real soreness was still to come. Little did I know it would be now, one hour later, as I sit here and type. SORE! I'm actually looking forward to my mid-work 1-mile walk tonight, so I can get them moving and hopefully not be in serious soreness tomorrow.

The eating has been going well. I did have M&Ms yesterday on M&M Thursday (it's so hard to buy them and put them out and not partake) but I included them in my calorie count and was pleased when I stepped on the scale today that it didn't backfire on me. I find myself craving peanuts/peanut butter a lot lately, and those peanut M&Ms were heaven-sent. Fun fact: 10 peanut M&Ms have 100-ish calories. Not-so-fun fact: The tiny little cups I use for M&M Thursday can each hold 20 peanut M&Ms...a lot more than I thought!

I will likely not work out tomorrow...going to instead have a marathon proofreading day. So here is my workout tally for the week:

Sunday: nada
Monday: 3-mile walk
Tuesday: 1-mile walk
Wednesday: 3-mile run/walk + 210 steps
Thursday: 3-mile run/walk + 1-mile walk
Friday: 1-hour spin class (and hopefully a 1-mile walk tonight)
Saturday: likely nada

I'm pleased with it. I'm trying desperately to not get injured, and any tweak I feel in my leg (always the left) worries me. I don't want to overdo it.

Side note: I realized today that I have a serious anger problem when it comes to how people view me at gyms. In the past, I've held grudges against certain gyms where the trainers treat me like an inactive, lazy person based on my weight. Today, when the trainer (a substitute for my favorite spin instructor) looked out at the crowd, which included other newbies, he stared at me when saying people new to the spin class need to take an intro class first. He stared so much I had to finally reply, "I've been here before." I was so angry at that assumption that, because I'm fat, I know nothing about exercise. I'm trying to be more understanding. After all, I know I don't look like an exercise enthusiast. It just hurts, though. Like I've said before, inside, I don't feel like this obese woman. Inside, I feel like the fit runner I want to be. The reality I'm not can be painful to absorb.

Circular

2011-01-12T14:55:00.003-05:00

Today's horoscope, read while sitting around in my pajamas being lazy and depressed about being fat:

Your problem is quite circular in nature. A total change of scenery will help you get into just the mindset to break the chain.

In other words, keep up this laziness and you'll remain fat and thus depressed which will make you not want to exercise and remain fat and thus depressed...

So despite a howling wind (seriously) all day long, I finally unraveled myself from my blanket and went out for a run. I can actually call today's run a run because it's fair to say I ran about half of the 3 miles, maybe more, maybe less but much, much more than I have for weeks. Anytime I felt like my legs were too tight, I kept picturing myself with legs like Gumby or Olive Oyl, all loose and rubbery. It actually worked, I think. I was able to finish without pain, and that's an accomplishment for me.

Cluck cluck

2011-01-11T13:17:00.003-05:00

So I was a chicken. I didn't go to the class.

I almost feel paralyzed with fear, and I have never been this way before. I think part of it is seeing how much I've regressed in my running and knowing it will be the same at the gym.

Of course, today's weather and my feeling very nauseated didn't help.

Oh, will I ever be the person I want to be?

Reflections

2011-01-10T15:18:00.004-05:00

I just got back from what I hoped would be a 3- or 4-mile run but turned out to be another 3-mile walk. This cold weather does a number on my already tight calves and they just wouldn't loosen up. Then some shin pain started and I freaked out.

I have an alternative to outdoor running/walking. But I'm terrified to use it.

I rejoined the YMCA on Friday. The last time I was a member, I took advantage of its classes (spinning and power cut) and loved it. I was heavy but not nearly what I am now. And while some trainers who didn't know me would look at me skeptically in class, like there was no way I could handle it, others were wonderful and helpful and encouraging.

Now I weigh more, and I've rejoined, and I'm ready to try again. But I really am scared. I'm scared of seeing myself reflected in those class mirrors. I'm scared of others seeing me and scoffing. I'm scared of the trainers who knew me when I was thinner being ashamed of what I've become.

This shame has also made me delay getting much-needed new running shoes. I'm ashamed to go to my favorite running store where they'll see me and what I've become.

During my walk today, I decided I would attempt tomorrow's 8:15 a.m. power cut class. And I made a plan to go to the running store later this week. I hope I will be brave enough to do it.

Oh well

2011-01-09T09:12:00.003-05:00

Turns out I can't run/walk today. I tried. I was up at 8. But my knee is sore - something I noticed while bike riding but ignored. It's the kind of sore I've felt before and the kind of sore that is no good.

Icing it now and hope it feels better tomorrow.

Keep moving

2011-01-09T01:52:00.003-05:00

Oh what a day.

As I mentioned, I have a new proofreading job, but it's the sequel to another novel, so I wanted to read the first book first. After some hijinks, I finally got the book in my hands last night and started to read it this morning. The plan was to read part of it while on an exercise bike at the gym, just so I wasn't a complete slug on the couch all day.

I got off to a late start (surprise, surprise). When I was putting on my workout wear, I glanced outside and it was clear. As I put my outerwear on, I saw snowflakes falling from the sky. And despite having to walk to the gym, less than a half mile away, but still a distance in the cold, I was determined to still go so I packed up my bag.

Then I got outside. Coming down in a torrent were huge snowflakes .. but not really. It wasn't as solid as hail but those weren't flakes. It was more like mini snowballs were falling in a torrent from the sky and the wind was blowing them into my face. I walked to the corner and it was painful. I knew I would not be able to walk to the gym in these conditions (in a matter of minutes, the ground was covered in snow). I decided to duck into the grocery store for cover.

Mission aborted, I did some grocery shopping, picking up a few Lean Cuisines and some bananas. When I emerged from the store, it was still snowing, but not nearly as bad. Which made me reconsider aborting the mission. So I dropped off my groceries and went to the gym, pedaling for an hour as I continued reading my book.

I've never been a fan of the recumbent exercise bike, because it truly doesn't feel like you're getting a workout. But I figured it was the only piece of equipment I could use and actually read on (and use a highlighter for important details) and it was better than nothing.

I only burned about 300 calories biking for an hour, but even the 300 seemed like it was overstating it. When I stood up, my legs weren't wobbly (wobbly being a sure sign of a good workout), so I figured it wasn't all that good.

At home and showered, I finished the book. It was awesome. But I just finished now and it's 2 a.m. And I need to get up at 8 a.m. to get in a run before visiting a friend's house at noon. AND....well, that bike riding must have done something, because I am sore!

And I know that's a good thing.

Busy bee

2011-01-07T00:31:00.003-05:00

It was a nice three days of laziness: the first three days since August where I didn't have another job hanging over my head. I could actually sleep in and not feel bad.

But a new proofreading job is coming tomorrow, so it's back to the grind.

My attempt at running this week didn't go so well, as my calves are extra, extra tight - the result of getting back into a regimen, I'm sure (and climbing lots of flights of stairs). But I've still exercised in some way every day this week. And the eating is going well.

I did have to back out of margaritas with some friends tonight, though, because I'm still in the beginning stages where I'm afraid I'll fall off too soon. I need at least a few weeks of a healthier routine before I add any twists.

Saturday: 5K
Sunday: 6-mile walk
Monday: 210 steps
Tuesday: 210 steps; 1-mile walk
Wednesday: 3-mile walk; 1-mile walk at work
Thursday: 210 steps

I know...it's so minor. I need to start pushing it again. I think I was just so exhausted from all the work, I just relished being a slug this week, er, three days. But I've been a slug exercise-wise for too long now and really need to get out there.

Trapped

2011-01-03T10:34:00.003-05:00

I am a runner. I know I am. I know how to train properly, what shoes/clothes to wear, what to eat and when. I know all about various race courses and the pros and cons of Shamrock vs. Rock 'n' Roll. I know the lingo of PRs, tapers, negative splits. I have run three dozen 5Ks, a dozen 10Ks, six 10-milers and seven half marathons. I trained for a marathon and got up to 20 miles in my training.

Standing at the New Year's Day 5K on Saturday, dressed in a men's 2X running shirt that still showed my bulges, I know what I looked like: a lazy woman who decided to start her resolutions by attempting a 5K, probably because she watches "The Biggest Loser" and thinks if she can run a lap she'll one day run a marathon.

When you see a runner stretching her calves after a race by bending forward and touching her toes, you assume, well, she's stretching. When you see an overweight woman stretching after a race, you assume, as has happened on more than one occasion and again on Saturday, she's sick from running. Let's make sure she's not about to faint.

I am a runner. But it's not what others see when they look at me. And it's not what I felt like Saturday as I ran 3.1 miles around Mount Trashmore.

I was pleased that after a month of inactivity I still had the cardio ability to run a mile straight. And I really only walked when there were ice patches on the course (granted, there were many in the final two miles). But I could feel my weight with each step. Walking felt more like waddling. That word, which hasn't been in my vocabulary in eight years, actually popped into my mind numerous times on Saturday.

I am a runner trapped in the body of an obese woman.

In my head, I have glorious visions of training and races in 2011. But when I actually get outside and hit the pavement, I don't feel like Deena Kastor or Kara Goucher or the friends and coworkers who are in my running circle. I feel like 317-pound Diana gasping for breath as she walked half a block when her weight-loss effort began eight years ago.

I know I have come so far since that day in January 2003. I am proud that I've kept off 80-some pounds. I am proud I'm as active as I am and that the looks I get from others haven't stopped me from running. But if I want to be that true runner, I need to act like a true runner. I need to eat foods that properly fuel my body. I need to stop making excuses and Just Do It.

Recent exercise:
Saturday: Ran/walked 3.1 miles
Sunday: Walked 6 miles
Today: Resting (though it sure doesn't feel like it as I work at warped speed to finish and mail off proofreading job)

2011 To-Do List

2010-12-31T13:41:00.003-05:00

Ever since 2005, I've been writing "to-do" lists for the coming year. The tradition started with my friend Brianne, as we sat on her porch swing one warm day toward the end of the year. These aren't resolutions, but I suppose they have the look of them. The difference is I don't have to tackle them all at once. I'd just like to work on checking them off.

So without further ado, my 2011 list:

1. Get a passport. My friend Nancy says that you're much more apt to plan a trip overseas if you already have the passport.

2. Go somewhere warm on vacation (a cruise, Hawaii, anywhere I can guarantee snow won't follow me).

3. Run a half marathon. It seems silly to put this on my to-do list, because it used to be assumed I'd do one or two a year. But I haven't done one in nearly two years. I have my sights on two this year, but I'll be happy if I can do one of them.

4. Save at least $1,000 in my longterm savings account. This used to be easy to do, but ever since I moved into a higher-rent place, I've found it more difficult. It's still very much doable, though. I just need to be conscientious.

5. Do a new race in a new state. Doesn't matter the distance.

6. Make some progress on my family history (tangible to-do: e-mail relatives a question a month).

7. Go to the gym/run/workout more days in 2011 than in 2010. Below is a breakdown:

In 2010
January: 12 days
February: 10 days
March: 12 days
April: 14 days
May: 6 days
June: 13 days
July: 15 days
August: 11 days
September: 12 days
October: 11 days
November: 7 days
December: 2 days

(P.S. Isn't it funny that the month I worked out the most last year was the month it was 90-105 degrees every day?)

8. Drumroll please....
Lose weight. Gosh, I don't know the goal. Last year my goal was to get back down to 167. I got to 197 and then zoomed back up to the unthinkable. Maybe I should break the goals down.

By May 1: Get below 200.
By Sept. 1: Get to 175.
By Dec. 31: Get to 167.

Writing it down, it's totally doable. I know it is. They are realistic goals. But I know it's just not as easy as it looks from the comfort of Dec. 31, 2010.

P.S. I know, dear friends, you've seen some of these goals from me so many times before. I often wonder why anyone reads this blog anymore, as I feel like a broken record nearly every day. But, well, I'm still alive and as long as I am, I will keep trying to be a better person.

P.P.S. You'll notice the marathon goal is not a part of this list. I'm being realistic. That goal isn't going anywhere, but to think it's doable in 2011 would be setting myself up for failure. And I'd like to keep that word at a minimum this year.

Taking stock

2010-12-30T14:01:00.002-05:00

There are so many negative things I could dwell on today. How I fell back into old, horrible eating habits these past two months. How I managed to run less this December than last December, when I only logged four days. How I've gained back all the weight I lost at the beginning of the semester, and then some.

But despite stepping on the scale this morning and seeing a number that struck fear in every part of my body (and for the first time in years, I just can't reveal it, I'm so ashamed), I feel OK. I feel at peace.

Want to know why?

It's been a heck of a few months. I worked at the newspaper. I taught class twice a week and graded papers/planned lessons every day. And over the course of three months, I had three books from Random House to proofread - which means I was pretty much working three jobs the whole time.

And for the first time, I felt like I did a really good job at all three. I was complimented on my designs by people I respect in the design/newspaper world. I was given the Accuracy Award. I never took a sick day. I received incredible comments on my student evaluations. I caught some great errors in the books. I'm proud of myself for the work I did.

Sure, I could have still accomplished all of the above and not gained weight. With the exception of not having time to exercise, the busy schedule didn't cause this weight gain. The busy schedule didn't make me eat pie. I did that to myself. I take full responsibility.

So many times this semester I asked myself, "What have I done?" The shame I feel is consuming. But. All I can do is keep trying. All I can do is renew my effort. All I can do is hope that I can stop this cycle of yo-yo dieting, reclaim my life and finally set out to accomplish those running goals I covet.

All I can do is hope that 2011 is the year I make it happen.

Some inspiration

2010-11-09T08:52:00.003-05:00

My friend Laura passed along these inspiring columns about an overweight runner's marathon success, and so I want to pass them along to you. The author writes beautifully about her struggles and successes.

http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/11/06/sweat-already-a-winner/#comments

http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/11/08/she-got-her-gold-more-important-she-earned-her-gold/

Self-reflecting

2010-11-01T11:36:00.006-04:00

I sat down in the sand, looking out at the very blue ocean. The sun reflected on the water, making it look like glass. All around me, families laughed and couples took photos and friends chatted. A little girl did a walking handstand toward the water, her parents warning her of the incoming tide and laughing when the water crept up to her hands.

And there I sat. I had just finished the Wicked 10K at the Oceanfront. And I was feeling very much alone, the thoughts in my head telling me I had - once again - failed seeming louder than ever.

It was a day that started hours earlier when I sat up not knowing where I was or why my alarm clock was going off in the middle of the night. I had only been asleep for four hours having worked late the night before. But I got up, dressed in my costume (a blind referee), grimaced as I looked at my fat self in the mirror (the costume was way too tight) and took off for the Beach.

I felt very self-conscious in my costume, hating how I looked. It's weird to feel like the freak when you're surrounded by people dressed as horses, cartoon characters, sumo wrestlers. But I did.

I spent the next hour searching for my friends who also were running the race, but I never found them. I had to have a stranger take my photo so I could document how I looked. I immediately regretted that.

I was pleased when I started running that I could actually run. I had spent the previous two weeks worrying about my sore knee and shin. I had tested the waters when I went hiking in the mountains the week before and was so pleased when I was able to climb up steep hills and not feel pain (though going down the hills was another story). But who knew how I would feel until I actually started racing.

I ran the first mile fine, but during Mile 2 or 3 my legs cramped up. It didn't help that we had entered a stretch of the Boardwalk and I was running on concrete, a big no-no for big girls like myself. So I had to walk. And watch as a Hippie, a Fred Flintstone and, yes, even a Snail passed me by.

Around Mile 4, I found my second wind and took off running faster. I felt great. Even the last mile - another stretch of Boardwalk concrete - wasn't awful.

But my time was.

I finished in 1:23:30, pretty much my worst 10K ever.

Months before, when I had decided I was not going to train for the Marine Corps Marathon, I had made my new goal to PR in the Wicked. Instead, here I was, failing again.

Now, after searching the beach for my friends and coming up empty, I plopped down on the sand and looked out at the ocean. I thought about the past week and how my life was so different from what it was a year ago, two years ago, five years ago. I felt lonelier than ever. Fatter than ever. My boyfriend and I had broken up after almost four years together. My birthday the day before consisted of paying bills, cleaning and going to work. The only birthday cake I had was via the piece I bought myself at the grocery store; the biggest excitement of the day was trying to figure out who the "Aunt" was who didn't receive the birthday cake that had now been cut up and priced as individual pieces. My slice said "Happy."

The tide was coming in, the water creeping up closer to my seat on the sand. I watched as it washed away footprints and the girl's handprints from her walking handstand. As each mark in the sand was erased, I tried to do the same to the negativity in my head.

And I realized how silly it was for me to sit there complaining about a life that was pretty blessed. I was able to run without pain. I had a job that allowed me to pay the bills. I had the money to buy that slice of cake. And I was sitting at the ocean on a perfect autumn day.

I got up and headed for my car.

"Diana!" Brian exclaimed as we walked past each other. "Colleen and John and Laura are over here."

I had finally found my friends.

A little break

2010-10-23T09:17:00.002-04:00

Well I made it to Saturday, eating my 1,200 calories all week and ready to not worry so much (but also not go crazy). I haven't lost any more weight, and I blame my leg. My knee still hurts and I'm beginning to worry that it's something more serious. When I get back on Tuesday, I'll reassess my situation, but I'm guessing it will involve 1) a physical therapy appointment and 2) joining the YMCA so I can swim. I've got to get some cardio exercise.

I hope and pray I'll be OK hiking this weekend. I've been so looking forward to this mountain trip and I want to enjoy this beautiful weather. Here's hoping....

On a positive note, my black jeans seem to fit just fine so I have two pair I can wear this weekend.

Pre-vacation weight: 208.

I'll report back on Wednesday....

So hungry

2010-10-20T21:17:00.002-04:00

So, yeah, I really hurt my leg/knee/shin/ankle this week/weekend. Either I hurt it running after falling on it or I hurt it running on concrete in the race or I hurt it running 7.25 miles on Monday even though it was already hurting.

Now it's busted.

I've iced and elevated and rested and am now using a knee brace for just day-to-day use. But I am so antsy. I want to run. But I know it's not good. Unfortunately, I quit my gym recently b/c it stopped offering classes, so I don't even have other options.

Which means restricting my calories even more. Which means I AM HUNGRY.

Here's how serious I am about trying to be good before my mini vacation coming up this weekend: A friend gave me a nice hearty tub of her homemade macaroni and cheese. I loooove mac and cheese. And it's full of cheese. Last night, I had about an eighth of a cup of it (leaving like 3 more cups in the tub). It was heavenly. But I'm afraid of it. So I'm trying to just have a tiny bit every day.

The scale went back up on Sunday/Monday after a bit of indulgence last weekend, so I'm trying desperately to get it back down. While this weekend will include some hiking (Lord willing and the knee doesn't break), I'm sure it also will include non-diet foods. I must be careful.

I hope and pray I can run in the 10K next weekend. Yes, this is the 10K I hoped to PR in. Now my goal is to simply run it. How my standards have changed...

Official time

2010-10-17T12:28:00.003-04:00

Between the afternoon weigh-in that showed results and the Komen 5K official race times I just found, I think God was really, really, really trying to put a smile on my face yesterday.

No, I didn't do much better in the Komen all of a sudden. My official time was 37:08. But that put my average mile at 11:59. God wanted me to see that "11" and feel better. And oddly enough, it kinda does make me feel better!

P.S. I just logged the race into my running calendar and, surprise: It actually WAS my best time this year. Turns out that 0.1 of the 3.1-mile race threw me off a little. My previous best time (of the year) was a 12:11-minute-mile. I'll be!

Feeling better after a nap

2010-10-16T15:41:00.003-04:00

Oh, today.

I weighed myself and was up 0.2 pound. I ran in the Komen race and finished much later than I'd hoped and expected. I was as blue as a girl can be on a beautiful October morning.

As I laid down for a nap after the race, my left leg began to hurt terribly. But I was too tired to get up and get the ice pack. So I just slept.

One hour later, I got up for work. Leg still hurt. But my mood was a little better.

I decided to step on the scale again, thinking, "Yeah I know I just ran and ate a banana and drank a lot of water but it's later in the day and maybe the early, early weigh-in was off because I had really just gone to bed hours earlier."

Turned out, maybe that thinking had some truth to it. I was down 1.6 pounds from last week's weigh-in.

So, despite the very sore leg, I was a bit happier.

Now, back to the race. I decided to give my Garmin to a friend who has been training super hard and wanted to PR today. I knew she could really use it and I thought it could be cool to try running without a watch.

I ran and ran, keeping what I thought was a great pace. And I never stopped. Not for water, not to walk, not for a second. And that was my big goal. There were moments near the end when I wanted to stop for "just a bit." But I kept at it. I felt good. Felt strong. Was wondering if, maybe, I was running in record time.

Then I saw it.

The damn clock.

37 minutes it read.

Seriously?

I crossed shortly after, somewhere around 37:30 or so, maybe later. I was really, really bummed.

But I had no watch and I accomplished the one goal I could set: running the whole thing. And I was happy to not be hurting during the race.

Now, though, I sit here at work with an ice pack on my leg. There's pain, bad pain, limping pain. All I can do is ice and rest and hope and pray.

(P.S. My friend did AWESOME. And my Garmin is so confused, as it's not accustomed to a 10-minute-mile pace. Maybe one day it will get there again, on my own wrist.)

We shall see

2010-10-15T12:22:00.003-04:00

It's been a different week for me. A week devoid of much exercise - but for a reason.

On Tuesday while cleaning, I slipped and fell in my apartment. Fell on my left knee, skinning it pretty bad but also leaving it really sore. On Wednesday and Thursday walking home from work has also brought on some shin pain, mostly, I think, because I've been walking faster (one does that on a dark night at 12:30 a.m.) in not the best shoes.

I've got a 5K tomorrow - one I've been looking forward to for months. I really want to do well, and I've been afraid if I pushed myself this week I'd just injure myself more. So I've rested and iced and massaged. I hope and pray tomorrow's race will be a successful one. But I also really hope and pray it won't be a painful one.

So I've had to limit my calories extra this week without the exercise factored in. I've kept myself to 1200 calories a day all week. Last night I got pretty hungry, but I still survived.

I had a moment of satisfaction yesterday when I dressed for class, wearing a pair of pants I bought at the beginning of the semester. They were starting to feel a little looser, so that was nice. And I did wear a pair of jeans this week, though I may have pushed it too much. They were kinda tight.

The next three weekends hold many food temptations - some of which I already plan on indulging in. So I plan to weigh in on Saturdays for at least the next three weeks. Based on today's scale reading, I don't expect to see much difference from last week, but even if it's 0.2 I'll be happy(ish). I'm looking forward to upping the exercise next week (if the legs are OK, Lord help me), which hopefully will help.

I realize I'm entering the months that have always been hardest for me. Stress and holidays and indulgences. I'm just trying really hard to inch downward on the scale instead of zooming upward.

I like what she says

2010-10-11T09:24:00.002-04:00

I just ran across this story and wanted to share it with you.

This woman understands what it takes to lose weight. I love her thinking, how she refuses to let the scale get to her and how she changes things up every now and then.

Great advice.

I woke up very depressed, as I have for the past few days. I don't know what's wrong with me. Very tired all the time, not motivated to go running. Yesterday, I decided to postpone my long run until today. Today, I am struggling to get out there. I'll go - it's my only "to-do" for the entire day - but I wish I was more pumped about it.

As for the weekly weigh-in yesterday, I was at 209.4. So I lost 0.4 from last week. I didn't hit my goal, but at least it went down. I learned my lesson, too. Inhaling a bunch of bread and cheese isn't going to get you closer to your goals.

Not that the lesson was enough to stop me yesterday. I ate too many Weight Watchers ice cream snacks. And I ate a bunch of pretzel rods with peanut butter. I was bummed. And really for no reason. I was able to enjoy the sunshine yesterday and had a girls'-afternoon-out with a good friend. But I felt heavy hearted last night. I just couldn't see beyond the jar of peanut butter.

Today is a new day, with new possibilities. As soon as I can get myself moving, I'll go out to First Landing on this gorgeous day. I'll run. My goal is between 10 and 11 miles, but if I do 7 that's cool, too. (I've decided I will not be doing the half marathon in November but I will do a 10-miler in December.) Then I hope to head to the beach and just sit there and enjoy the day. I must say I am glad the warmer temperatures are back. They make for slower running, but feeling the sun on my shoulders always makes me feel better.

Woe is me

2010-10-09T18:53:00.002-04:00

It's so frustrating, I tell you, to work so hard and see no change. All week, after Monday, I ate under 1,300 calories a day and ran hard and even worked out a fourth day. And I still weigh more than I did last Sunday.

All because of bread and cheese?

I'm frustrated, too, because the weather is getting cooler and I want to bring out the jeans. I own a bunch of jeans of various sizes. None really fit me. Some will zip but I look like a fool in them, as they're super tight.

I also have some occasions coming up where I'll be eating out, and it stresses me to think of putting on more weight. I so wanted to tackle these 20 pounds during the fall semester. And I do admit, I feel better knowing that I haven't succumbed to daily stress eating and run-avoidance. I'm still working really hard. And I know it will take time to see change and if I stop now, I'll never see that change. I just can't help but worry.

I hope I can plug along. I'm starting to see changes in my running and that is a good thing. Gotta think about that.

A hurtin'

2010-10-07T22:06:00.002-04:00

I can't believe it's almost Friday and I haven't written since Monday. It's been a very busy week with class and running and work. I had intended to write during my class's midterm exam today, but the computer wasn't working.

So here I am, trying to stay awake and finding that typing is helping. (Forgive me, though, for the poor writing; I'll be lucky if I can spell correctly tonight.)

I'll begin with Monday, because it was the source of my big frustration of the week. Remember how I didn't eat outside the diet box on Sunday? Well, I did on Monday. I ate baked tortilla chips and salsa and a bunch of cheese and bread. That's about all I ate, but I ate a lot of it.

I purposely didn't weigh myself Tuesday.

But I did on Wednesday.

Up three pounds.

Really? Really?

So I was bummed I did such a stupid thing. I know I didn't eat 9,000 calories worth of chips and cheese. But my body apparently just sucks up carbs and won't let go.

I ran on Tuesday before class and felt really good, really fast, only to find out my time was about two minutes worse than last week's 3-miler. Bummed again.

On Wednesday at work, a co-worker brought me an iced coffee as a thank-you gift. I don't usually drink coffee. But it was yummy, only 80 calories, and I was tired. So I drank it all.

Needless to say, last night, as I tried to sleep, I was WIDE AWAKE. I could not sleep for hours. When my alarm went off at 7, I hit snooze a bunch and was about to cancel my before-class run and sleep instead. But I feared oversleeping and missing the midterm. So I got up. And I ran.

The first mile was slower, again, than I thought I felt. But I must've been angry at that, because the second mile was the fastest I've run in a year. Then the third was pretty good, and my overall time showed a huge improvement. It was the best pace and the best three-miler since Oct. 17, 2009. I was very, very happy.

Of course now at work, I'm a hurtin'. I knew after my run that I needed to stretch extra and ice just in case. Whenever I run faster, I end up injuring myself. So I stretched and stretched and iced before and after class.

I'm not in pain, thankfully. But I am hurtin'. It's the good kind -- the muscle soreness that lets you know you worked extra hard.

Feels good.

Funny Aside Part II

2010-10-04T07:12:00.001-04:00

It's 7 a.m. Monday and I'm REALLY hungry.

Yeah, stupid move on Sunday. Now I have no extra calories to eat today!

Funny aside

2010-10-03T23:33:00.001-04:00

I did not eat the brownie.

I did eat 1,300 calories.

I burned 1,200 calories running.

MyFitnessPal.com says that if I every day was like today, I could lose nearly 20 pounds in 5 weeks. Ha! Ha! (Yeah, I'm not running 10 miles every day.)

Proud

2010-10-03T18:36:00.002-04:00

Last night at work, I had an incredible craving for tacos and chips and salsa. On my walk home, I passed restaurant after restaurant, wishing I could just go in and eat my cravings. Instead of caving, I told myself this: Just get through tonight. Tomorrow after your long run, you can have your tacos and chips and salsa.

My weigh-in was in the morning, too, and I didn't want to blow it. After the weigh-in, well, that would be OK. I have decided Sundays would be my days to eat outside the diet box.

Weigh-in was good. I met my 2-pound goal and actually got 0.2 below, officially bringing me back below 210. Seeing 209 made me feel good. Funny, huh?

I spent most of the morning procrastinating, not wanting to go outside for my run. It had been raining all morning, steady.

My calf is still super tight (so bad I limped after getting out of bed) so I took my friend's advice and massaged away. I massaged for so long (the knots would not go away) that my hands hurt.

Then I went running.

While stretching, with the rain pouring down and the wind blowing, I almost turned around and went home. But I kept going. Half a mile in, already soaked to the bone, I almost turned around and went home. But I kept going. I was pretty certain I was going to cut the scheduled mileage (10) down to maybe 6 or 7. But, well, I got to 10. It took me 2:26 hours. I was beyond soaked and cold. But I was pretty proud of myself.

By the time I got home and showered I decided I wasn't really in the mood for tacos and chips and salsa.

There's a chance I'll have that brownie that's in my freezer tonight, but only if I need to meet my minimum calorie goal. See, that's one problem with procrastinating with the long run. I waited so long, by the time I got home and showered it was 3 p.m. and I had only consumed 200 calories. No wonder I was so tired.

Believe me, I know that wasn't smart.

But I'm proud I was able to get past the craving and proud I didn't let the rain stop me from completing my 10-miler.

(P.S. One reason I was out there in the rain: You're never guaranteed a clear, sunny day for your race. My old coach used to say you want to train in all kinds of weather because THAT kind of weather could be the backdrop of your next race. And believe me, I've had many races in downpours.)

Getting there

2010-10-01T14:56:00.004-04:00

I woke up feeling pretty blue, with a lot of stuff on my mind that made my life seem out of control and weighing me down.

But I had a date with a friend for a 9:30 a.m. run, and it turned out to be just what I needed.

My right calf has been super, super tight since yesterday. Like so tight it hurts when I stand up. I decided to spend a lot of time stretching, and then we walked the first 1.4 miles together to loosen up. Still, when I set out to run, it was still tight. So I took it slow.

The calf is still tight and I hope I didn't do any damage to my legs today but the run turned out to be great. I definitely improved my time. Of course, the weather was delightful and I'm sure that helped a lot.

I love seeing progress.

The scale is still showing little progress and I know I'm just driving myself crazy by stepping on the darn thing every day. I just keep waiting for that day when it drops. Keep hoping it's today. It's never today.

I've been doing great with the eating, though right now in my apartment, I have two things that could set me up for a downfall. One: A co-worker gave me this huge box of M&Ms as a thank-you gift. The good thing is it's so pretty (there are 12 different colors of M&Ms in little boxes) that I'd hate to eat it and ruin the effect. Hopefully that will keep me out of the box. Then today, a friend gave me two homemade brownies. I have wrapped them up and put them in the back of the freezer where I will hopefully forget about them (ha!).

I was happy to run today because I have this "thing" about running on the first day of the month. Whenever I do, the month ends up being a good one for running. It's all mental. But I hope this means October will be as successful as September was.

Here's to a good month!

Sue-shi

2010-09-29T11:08:00.003-04:00

I may need to stop eating sushi. I love sushi. And it's good for you. But I never know how to calculate the calories, as much as I try, and so I'm either overestimating or underestimating and either way the scale isn't happy today.

I ate two trays of Harris Teeter sushi yesterday: one tray had four tiny pieces each of shrimp, tuna, salmon and eel sushi. One tray had six of the larger sushi: two salmon, two shrimp and two tuna. Plus six small pieces of tuna and avocado. (Man, when I see it in print like that, maybe it was way too much sushi.) It was my main meal for the day. And I estimated it at a little less than 700 calories. But maybe I was way off.

I didn't eat much else during the day: oatmeal and a banana for breakfast; a lean cuisine fish dish for dinner.

Anyway, the scale is up today.

Oh, and I ran in the morning, a good run in the rain where I went 2.25 miles straight and then ran/walked the last mile.

So perhaps it's too much sushi. But buying the one tray never seems to fill me up.

Sigh. I guess that's why I'm fat.

In a funk

2010-09-27T22:04:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure exactly what my problem is, but I'm blaming it on the rain (which I usually love) and being in an apartment full of mice (and the strangest bug I've ever seen with like 20 long legs and a funky body). I can only guess the annoying work done on my roof has brought these creatures to me. I'm hoping my landlord replies to my e-mail soon - he's out of town - and can find out how they're all getting into my home. I'm braver than I thought I would be, but now it's just annoying.

Anyway, I've just been in a funk the past two days. I've slept a lot, which can be good, but I still haven't been able to come up with a good way to present tomorrow's class lesson. Inspiration better come to me fast.

I was successful on Sunday morning, weighing in exactly where I wanted to be. But then I snacked way, way too much during the day. I didn't eat bad things, but I ate too many of the good things I had (almonds, Kashi trail mix cookies, Weight Watchers snacks). Stopped counting calories, which is no good.

Today, I kind of went the opposite direction. I've finished the day only eating 928 calories. But there was just nothing I wanted and I was feeling so blue about Sunday's excess. Believe me, I know eating under 1,200 calories is very bad for you. But I really have no desire to go eat 300 calories right now, at 10 p.m., just to meet that minimum.

I hope getting back into the swing of my run/class/work tomorrow will get me back on track.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow's run, even though I'm sure it will be a rainy mess outside (and depending on how this lesson plan goes, I may only get a few hours' sleep). But it was so great seeing progress at Saturday's race. I looked back on my previous times and my three-miler time Saturday was the best since April. Granted, my mile splits got worse after three miles, but I am still very pleased. I can't wait for the next race.

Here's to trying, trying, trying....

Good day

2010-09-25T21:22:00.002-04:00

Today's race was pretty good; it was hard for me (for some reason, each mile felt like three) but it wasn't my worst 8K ever, which pleased me. And my time for the first three miles was the best I've had for quite awhile. So maybe I'm making progress.

It was quite warm today and a little humid but a glorious day overall.

It was depressing getting ready for the race, though. Everything I put on to wear looked horrid and I knew any race pictures taken would be awful. But getting out there was more important. My hope is that I can just keep pushing, keep trying and that maybe the next race pics won't be as bad.

Tomorrow marks two weeks of sticking to my diet. I had a goal to lose two pounds this week but I don't think that will be the case. Not for lack of trying. But for some reason, when I run longer and drink lots and lots of water/Gatorade, the water just stays. Feels like that's happening again today. I keep telling myself not to worry about what the scale says tomorrow. I hope that the memories of the race and the hope for more good races to come will keep me on track.

This is where it gets hard

2010-09-23T15:33:00.002-04:00

Ever since Sunday, the scale has been stuck, and this is where it gets hard. I eat right and get out there for runs (today's was great, with my lowest 3-mile time this month) but then I see no progress on the scale. Yes, I've only gone about a week and a half being on the ball, so it's ridiculous that I already expect to see results. But tell my brain that.

I am so silly.

Anyway, the good news is that I feel good and I haven't kicked the scale once. I'm trying to be patient this time around and realize that the alternative - the slow creep upward on the scale - is not a desirable option. It scares me because I know how easy it is to enter a new 10-pound category. I've got to nip this before it gets out of control.

My first goal is to get back to the last weigh-in amount I listed on MyFitnessPal.com. 210. I'm now at 214. The next goal will be that hard push to get under 200. From there, I'll reassess. Funny how my first two goals are to get back to where I was in APRIL. But such is the life of a yo-yo dieter who can't seem to get her act together.

I'm trying and that's all I can do right now.

I have a race on Saturday I'm excited about (8K) and hope I'll see some progress. But I know I need to be realistic on what "progress" means for me at this stage.

Musings

2010-09-21T14:19:00.002-04:00

So it's the beginning of the Fall TV season, which is always fun. But I'm already bummed.

I had read some good things about "Mike and Molly," about how the show is simply a romance that just happens to have two overweight people in the relationship. That it wasn't going to be a show that focused on their weight.

WRONG.

It's a cheap, disgusting sitcom that makes fun of fat people with every page of dialogue. I mean, it was so awful. If you substituted the fat jokes for jokes against a race or religion or gender, this country would be up in arms. It was just further proof that people think there's nothing wrong with joking about a person's weight. It was really sad to watch.

Needless to say, I won't be watching it again.

I've preset my VCR (yes, I still have one of those) for The Biggest Loser tonight, but I'm really unsure if I want to watch it. It got me really mad last spring, and I swore I wouldn't watch it again. But I haven't made a firm decision yet.

In other news, I've been doing rather well in the eating and exercise departments, despite my crazy-busy schedule. This morning/last night I was feeling blue because I wasn't sure what to do about my class and I was fretting over their poor performance on a test. I was depressed and really didn't want to go to class. Then something very odd happened that turned my attitude around.

I caught a mouse.

Yeah, so that mouse who appeared back in June or July never showed his little face again and I put away the traps. Then at 5 a.m. Monday, I was doing some work in the living room, and the little bugger appeared again. I was freaked, but he did look very small and quickly went back into the utility closet. So I put the traps back out. And this morning, there he was in one of them. They're humane traps (I got them at PETA), but I still felt awful seeing the little guy trying to free himself from the plastic box. So I took him outside, down the block, to a nice grassy place and opened the trap to let him out. He just sat there, not wanting to leave, but finally he scrambled into the bushes.

I felt good after that. I know I should be freaked out, but he was sweet and I hope he's enjoying the outdoors now.

Looking forward to enjoying the outdoors myself tomorrow for a little run. Maybe I'll see him out there.

Up and running

2010-09-17T10:39:00.002-04:00

I'm already late for work and it's only 10:40 a.m. (I got home at 1:30 a.m. from work). But I did get in a decent run and feel pretty good about that. I ran for two miles straight and then just walked the whole last mile. I'm a wee bit worried about my calf, which is tender. I figured my goal today was to see if I could run more than 1.75 miles straight and after I achieved that, I wasn't going to push myself only to hurt myself.

As you can see, I still have a long way to go in this quest to up my speed. I don't want to say it's doubtful I won't achieve my PR goal at the October race, but, yeah, it's doubtful. But I'm not worried. I just want to do well and train well and not hurt myself in the meantime.

OK, better get going...

Whew, a breather!

2010-09-16T15:09:00.000-04:00

So I made it through the two weeks alive and actually feeling good. I finished the proofreading job, taught and prepared my classes without feeling like a fool, ran twice this week (one eight-miler, one three-miler) and three times last week (one seven-miler and two three-milers), worked at the paper AND, at least this week, have been eating healthfully.

I'm glad for a little breather. Unfortunately, I won't be able to sleep in like I had hoped tomorrow because I have an early shift. I hope, hope, hope I will have the energy to run beforehand. Today's wasn't as good as last week's and I want another shot!

I was worried about eating poorly at lunch today because I went out to eat at a new place, but I ended up having the most delicious salad. All it had in it were mixed greens, grapes, pears, gorgonzola cheese and a very, very light vinaigrette. I felt good for ordering it AND full, despite having little protein.

OK, well, it's back to work. Just wanted to let you know I'm still hanging in there!

2 out of 3 ain't bad

2010-09-09T08:53:00.003-04:00

Didn't run yesterday but did manage to get out there this morning, where I did 3 miles total, with 1.75 straight. Did it in a minute less than Tuesday's run and three and a half minutes less than last Thursday's. Of course it was cooler today. But I was very happy. I was even able to sprint in the end and also earlier when I thought I was about to get run over.

I keep thinking how much easier it would be if I weighed less. Gosh, why is it so hard? Why can't I get my act together?

Two-week blitz

2010-09-07T22:03:00.002-04:00

This week and next week are going to be a bit hectic for me, as I take on a third job. I won't play martyr - I have been wanting proofreading work all summer - but it will indeed be a juggle trying to teach/plan for class, proofread a book, work at the paper and get some running in. I've mapped out these two weeks down to the hour. Let's hope I can keep myself running into next week. It will be quite a success if I do (and not use the time to catch up on sleep).

I had two really good runs recently: On Sunday, I am thrilled to say, I was able to do seven miles. It was slow, alas, but I did it and I actually felt great. I'm guessing the cooler weather helped.

This morning, despite having a horrible night of sleep, I did a three-miler and it was the quickest I've done since the July races. Still slow. But progress is being made.

I still haven't made a firm decision on the half marathon in November; I want to do it, but I don't want to do it unless I'm prepared. I may wait until mid-October to decide.

Forgive me if I don't write much these two weeks. I'll try my darndest, but I don't see much downtime in the future.

Whew

2010-09-02T23:30:00.002-04:00

I survived the hurricane newsroom pizza extravaganza, but I admit the only reason was because I was so stressed I couldn't get up from my chair.

It also helped that I brought a Lean Cuisine pizza, which satisfied my pizza craving.

I also successfully avoided cupcakes tonight.

Oh hurricane snacks, you tempt me so!

This week sure has been exhausting. I have a busy, busy to-do list for the weekend, but I still hope to get some running in. I was bummed that I didn't run this morning, but the Tuesday and Wednesday outings were really nice. I'd try tomorrow but I have to be at work in 11.5 hours and I'd really like much of that to take place in my bed.

Off to that bed I speak fondly of....

I'm still holding on

2010-09-02T12:58:00.003-04:00

Don't have time to write but wanted to let you know I'm still hanging in there, though I didn't run today because I'm wiped out.

Hurricane a-coming, classwork up the wazoo. So tired. Will try very, very hard to resist any storm treats at work tonight.

Back again shortly.

Old habits die hard

2010-08-31T21:55:00.002-04:00

I got up early this morning to go running before my class. It was a decent trot: I was able to run the first mile straight, which means, thankfully, I haven't completely lost my ability.

Class was OK. If I had to judge the day based on my performance, I'd say it was bad. I don't remember being so ... stuck last year. There were moments during class when I lost my train of thought. I'd like to blame it on the Sudafed/my cold, but I think I'm on the mend.

The students, however, seem really cool. I was impressed with the group and am looking forward to getting to know them.

What's weird is how I felt in the building today. I felt like I did last year, and my habits last year were really, really bad. After class, I wanted to go to Taco Bell or McDonald's or Walgreens and get something bad to eat. The feeling was overwhelming. I had to remind myself that I don't want to be like that this year. I want to be healthier and use the exercise to relieve stress, not the food.

I was able to catch a small nap after class and before work. And at work, I was able to resist some "goodbye cake." I'll take that small achievement.

My first big temptation this week apparently will be Earl. The hurricane is looking more likely to hit, and after work tonight, a few of us are going shopping to stock up. To me, hurricanes are a grand excuse to snack. I must be diligent.

Looking forward to tomorrow's run. Let's hope I feel the same in the morning!

Hello again

2010-08-30T22:45:00.002-04:00

Once again, I'm so sorry I've been MIA. There's no one reason, but for the past week I've been sick and haven't done much of anything besides work.

Tomorrow is the big day. Back to school. I'm determined - determined - to do the opposite of last year. Last year, I gained twenty pounds during the semester. This year, I hope to lose twenty pounds. Because, oh-my-goodness, if I gain 20 pounds on top of the weight I'm at now, that will be the end of me.

It's going to be hard. Teaching is stressful. But if I want to continue doing this, I need to find a way to make it work.

I have prepped for the week by making a big stir-fry, pancake mix and pumpkin muffins.

And my goal for tomorrow is to run three miles.

I'm super nervous about tomorrow. I hope I start feeling better, because this cold just makes everything so much harder. At the moment, my head doesn't ache as bad as it has been, so I'm hoping that's a good sign.

I'll report back tomorrow. Promise.

Day 9

2010-08-19T23:01:00.002-04:00

Today, I took my boxing class, which I'm starting to enjoy even more these days. Of course, just when I start to enjoy it, it will come to an end. Once teaching starts up Aug. 30, I won't be able to take boxing anymore. The only boxing classes are 12-1 p.m. Tuesday/Thursday. My ODU class is 11-12:15 Tuesday/Thursday. Across town. Sucks.

I hope the gym brings back the morning boxing class in the fall, but it's not looking good for me. I hope I can find the motivation to box on my own. (But I know me too well...)

I also ran a little after the class. My foot is starting to feel a little better, to the point where I haven't iced in a few days b/c I haven't felt anything (and therefore forget to ice). I think boxing helps b/c it warms me up before I go running.

Didn't eat perfect today, again, but I'm OK with that. I'll have my meal-out tomorrow (steak, lobster mac-and-cheese, etc.) and possibly pizza on Saturday. My goal is to enjoy those meals and lay low the rest of the day. Make the meals worth it.

Sorry this post is stilted. I'm not feeling the writing vibe right now but I wanted to make sure I updated Day 9. (Though, is it really Day 9 when I haven 't been perfect on my diet?)

Day 8

2010-08-18T23:52:00.003-04:00

Well, I was pretty bummed - again - today when I woke up and the scale was up - again. I worked out so hard yesterday.

So, I overate a bit today. Nothing awful, but I wasn't perfect. I did resist ordering Chinese food and instead ate a Lean Cuisine meal. Still, the extra snacks don't bode well for the scale.

I guess I was just frustrated. Feeling lonely. Unsure of things. I hope I can do better tomorrow.

I did get a lot of work done for my class. I've practically crossed all the "work" items off my list. But, unfortunately, as I complete all this work, I realize it's going to take a lot more time than I expected. It's all coming back to me: the stress of teaching.

I'm such a broken record....

Day 7

2010-08-17T22:32:00.002-04:00

This morning, I woke up in a pretty bad mood. Not sure why exactly (beyond the fact that I can't seem to sleep through the night), but I was feeling blue. Then I stepped on the scale, which showed weight gain, and I was like, "Really?" I was so good yesterday and resisted so much.

I ate breakfast on the couch, feeling sorry for myself and considering skipping all workouts. That "why bother?" mentality was doing its damage. But right before noon, I got myself to the gym. I did an hour of boxing, followed by 30 minutes with the trainer doing speed work on a treadmill. I figured, since I'm not spending hotel/car/airplane money on this vacation, I could give up $40 for a good workout. (When I was speeding on the treadmill, thinking I couldn't last much longer, I kept picturing the $40 off in the distance...) I think I did pretty good, though he didn't push me too much.

(FOOT UPDATE: The same. Hurts sometimes, as does the shin, which is kinda tender to the touch, but it hasn't hurt while I'm working out. I keep icing. I may take tomorrow off.)

I'm glad I went to the gym. It definitely helped my mood.

But then.

I had checked another thing off my list yesterday when I finally got photos developed that have been sitting on my camera since April. Today, I looked at them. I looked so bad. I LOOK so bad. It was pretty depressing.

And I got an unexpected, and large, bill in the mail, making me wonder if I can afford anything else this week, including my restaurant outing on Friday.

Today just wasn't my day. But there's always tomorrow.

Day 6

2010-08-16T22:09:00.002-04:00

A very nice day. I went to see the double feature, both "The Kids are All Right" and "Cyrus," and both were excellent. I resisted such things as popcorn and the homemade baclava the Naro sells. Instead, in between flicks, I went across the street and got some low-fat frozen yogurt. For dinner, I got take-out of my favorite salad: a spinach and grilled chicken and apple dish.

I had to estimate the salad, but it looks like I only went about 100 calories over my 1,200 allotment. I'm pleased with that. There were many temptations I resisted today.

I checked off TWO "for fun" items and one "for health" item today, so it looks like tomorrow I will have no "fun" but double "work." But that's OK. It will be nice to stay at home tomorrow, with the exception of a trip to the gym, where I hope to attempt speed work on the treadmill again.

I'm very happy to see I've almost made it one week. I know it sounds like it's no big deal, but for me, it's huge. Building up momentum is one of the hardest things; I look forward to sailing on it one of these days!

Day 5

2010-08-15T23:17:00.002-04:00

Imagine, if you will, plodding through 7 miles on a warm day, then finding a little extra energy to walk across the street and visit the ocean. You stick your feet/legs in the water, and the waves and sand massage your sore muscles. You're hot and oh-so-tired. You head back to your car, only to hear a little jingly music from off in the distance.

An ice cream truck.

You smile to yourself, thinking of those childhood days when you and your sister scrounged up coins from the sofa whenever you heard that familiar song. You continue walking.

Then, the ice cream truck pulls onto the side street where you're walking. It pulls RIGHT UP TO YOU. The ice cream man smiles. You see the delicious, cold options displayed on the side of his truck.

You shake your head "no."

The ice cream man drives off.

Now that, my friend, is resisting temptation!

It was a nice day. A nice start to my stay-cation.

From my Choose Your Own Stay-cation chart:

FOR MY HEALTH: A good walk/run (my foot is kinda hanging in there; some soreness but nothing too bad). I was extra tired, it seemed, but after taking a GU halfway through, my energy perked up a little.

FOR WORK: I went through all of my files, paper and electronic, and wrote down all of the resources I have for my class. I organized them into categories. A good amount of work, but nothing too time-consuming.

FOR PLAY: The beach will have to count, though I never sat down during my visit; it was a short one. But I plan on returning later this week.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow's "For Play," a movie or two at the Naro, which is offering, back-to-back, the only two movies I'm interested in seeing: "The Kids are All Right" and "Cyrus."

There's a great event happening at the waterfront (a few blocks from my apartment) on Wednesday, but I'm a little afraid of going. It's National Cupcake Day and they'll be giving out free cupcakes, along with having various games and such. I may have to pass. Or I can just work out extra hard that day and get a nice treat.

We'll see how the next few days go...

Day 4

2010-08-14T21:13:00.002-04:00

Oooh, there were moments tonight when I wanted to grab the box of Snackwells cookie packets and eat them all. That's what happens when you sit in front of the TV at night.

But then I pictured myself on that bike, trying to climb that hill.

I only went 7 calories over my calorie goal today, which was a success because it was a day with little exercise, meaning I only got 1,270. It's a tough thing to do sometimes, especially when you have your evening free.

So I've made it four days. Longer than I've gone in awhile.

Some good things I did for myself today:

1. Ate 7 servings of fruits/veggies.

2. Walked to work and back, and enjoyed it (such a lovely day)

3. Started planning out my options for the week. I filled up the sheet for work goals and health goals but am actually having a hard time coming up with nine options for fun. I'll sleep on it. See what else I can come up with.

Off to bed...

Day 3.1

2010-08-14T11:20:00.002-04:00

I'm equating the next few days with encountering a huge hill on a bike ride. It's going to take every ounce of effort to get me through, to get over the hill. I'm mentally preparing myself for it, and I hope to use that image when things get tough.

Why the concern? It's Saturday, of course. The day of the week where I get off work at 7 p.m. (ish) and have a whole night ahead of me, a night that screams for me to stop at the grocery store and buy something bad.

And after that, my days off begin - a whole week with no structure/plans.

When I couldn't sleep this morning around the wicked hour of 3 a.m. (why is it always 3 a.m. when I wake up in the middle of the night?), I came up with an idea for my week. I'm going to create a to-do chart with three columns: For Fun, For Work, For My Health. I'll write down nine items in each category and pick one from each every day. That could be fun. Like a Choose Your Own Adventure for my stay-cation.

I'll let you know what I come up with for the categories when the day is through. At that point, I hope I'll have made it up part of the hill, feeling good about what's to come.

Day 3

2010-08-13T22:06:00.002-04:00

Good things I did for myself today:

1. Ate four servings of fruits/veggies

2. Resisted all-you-can-eat cake at work.

3. Walked to work and back.

4. Is getting to bed at 10 p.m.(ish)

Not as many fabulous things today, but it was an exhausting day of work. So I'm off to bed.

This week's challenge: Starting tomorrow night, I'm on "stay-cation" for the next 9 days. With no solid plans besides preparing for the upcoming semester, I do fear I'll eat poorly and oversleep. I just need to keep my eyes on the prize. And maybe plan for one night out at a restaurant. Perhaps I need to invest in a good book...

Day 2

2010-08-13T02:18:00.003-04:00

Good things I did for myself today:

1. Went to the gym and did boxing class, plus some extra cardio.

2. Ate six servings of fruit/veggies.

3. Didn't wear a T-shirt to work.

4. Resisted two kinds of cookies and lots of candy at work.

Well, it's past 2 a.m. and I just got home from work. I'm expected to be back at 10, which means I have to decide whether to sleep 7 hours or only 5 and exercise. After having to climb the five flights to my apartment just now b/c the elevator is broken, I'm thinking sleep may win. And I'm OK with that.