Making the connection

I often think about this little girl with a round face, chubby arms and sad eyes. I see how she struggles in her life, and I so desperately want to help her.

I want her to be happy.

I want the daily teasings about her weight -- from friends and family -- to stop.

I'd love to see one of her many young crushes reciprocated.

It's not her fault she's overweight -- she's 8 years old, for crying out loud. It's not like you can blame this little girl for her body, for the excess weight.

Unlike me.

I'm 40 years old. I can blame myself for my body. I can blame myself for not being good enough to be in a relationship. I can blame myself for not eating better, for allowing myself to succumb to bad feelings. I should have more self-discipline. I should be more diligent about exercising. I should drink more water. I had my chance when I lost 150 pounds and I blew it. I am to blame for my many failures in weight-loss.

For this little girl, I have sympathy and empathy. For myself, not so much. I don't feel like I deserve it.

The thing is? That little girl is me.

When I see this photo of myself from my First Holy Communion, I feel horrible for the girl in the picture. I wish I could turn back time and give her a happier life. I wish she didn't have to sit on the school bus and endure daily taunting. I wish she hadn't been bribed by family members to lose weight. I wish she didn't have to feel so ashamed of something she had no control over.

But when I look in the mirror, or fail to finish a run, I am consumed with self-hatred.

I must learn to make the connection -- that she is me, and if I love her, I need to love myself. If I can find empathy for her, I should for myself as well. Why it's so hard, I have no idea. But I keep this photo on my wall so I can see it every day and try.

Setback dominoes

The setbacks, they just keep on coming.

It started with the cough -- the bugger of an illness that made me stop my walking streak. It lasted for more than three weeks. As I expected, once that streak ended, it was hard to find the motivation to pick it back up. Streaks like that aren't easy to do, and knowing that my foot pain was likely caused by overuse, I wasn't very motivated to begin again.

And with the lack of exercise came the overeating. It's a part of my history: All or nothing.

Then, after my vacation (where I took my running shoes and clothes but couldn't find a do-able path), I headed out to my neighborhood track for a long run only to find a sign that said the track was closed until Aug. 22 (INSERT PANIC HERE). Seeing that sign made my heart sink -- and then race with anxiety. The track was less than half a mile away from my home and was what helped me keep up my training. What was I going to do? The Custis Trail, while also close, was just too hilly for me to get in a solid run.

The rest of the week was a disaster -- I was filling in for folks on vacation and had to be at work at 8 a.m., sometimes not getting home until 9:30 p.m. Then I worked a solid 7:30 a.m. to 1:30 a.m. Saturday shift. (That's not a typo: It was an 18-hour workday.) The next morning, there was no way I was going to try to go for a long run. My immune system was already compromised from the lack of sleep. I could not get sick again.

All this past week I have found myself in a massive depression (mixed with some serious anxiety). I know the culprit: No running + free endless snacks at work. I was eating too much sugar/preservatives, was under stress at work and had no outlet to get rid of it.

On Friday, it took every ounce of energy I had to drive out to another high school track my friends had told me about. I did two laps before the rain came pouring down. (Normally rain doesn't bother me, but in this case, I was wearing my glasses and didn't have a hat.)

I returned today, Sunday, for what I hoped would be my long run. I was supposed to do 15 miles. I was sapped. It took everything I had to get to 10 miles, and most of it was walking. Get this: For the first two miles, I felt pain in my shins. What?! All this training had gotten me to a point where shin splints weren't an issue; I take a month off and I'm back to square one? Then my foot/toes began to ache. I thought the running/walking break I had taken had healed my feet. Apparently not.

What does this mean? I wish I knew. I can't help but see these series of setbacks as a sign that I shouldn't be doing this. Then I think of that song on my iPod: "You're an overcomer. Stay in the fight till the final round."

So I'm trying to look at this practically. I plan on adjusting my training schedule to build in more time before I try 15 again. And I need to get back to remembering the mantra "Live every day with intention" -- by planning my walks/runs better, committing to rolling my legs and strengthening my muscles, and having a solid plan for eating so I don't succumb to the sugary snacks.

As you know, that's easier said than done. But the only other choice I have is to quit and that's not an option right now. This fight's not over.

This past week, as I have wallowed in self-pity and battled anxiety, I searched hard for motivation -- I skimmed through my marathon books, flipped through Runner's World, etc. But unlike in the past, these writings weren't inspiring me. Every morning when my alarm would go off, I'd shut it off without a second thought.

Then yesterday, I was going through photos from the past year to get prints made, and I came across the shots of me walking the Turkey Trot, running in the snow, posing after those 10-milers, smiling on the track. And I remembered how much I had gone through to get to this point.

I was looking outside of myself for motivation while it was inside me all along.

Bummers and blessings

So. That cough of mine got pretty bad. It lasted nearly three weeks, and in the middle of it, I was sent home from work when I couldn't stop coughing and had a hard time catching my breath. I remember being in bed at 4 p.m. on that Thursday thinking, "But what about the streak?" I knew there was no way I could get out of bed and go walking, and when it hit me that I would have to end the streak, I was devastated.

The streak ended at 211 days.

I'm super proud of it. Yes, I wanted to do a whole year, but I had to be smart. And by taking three weeks off of running (and more than a week off of daily walking), I was able to give my feet a chance to heal along with my lungs.

But, as you can image, I've been fretting about falling behind in my training. So today's run was going to be super important. It would be the first day back on the track since my 10K in mid-May and my first attempt at running since the cough, and I really needed to get in at least 12-13 miles to feel good about where I am at.

I was blessed with a beautiful day -- truly perfect weather. And my first few steps at running actually felt great. I coughed a bit during those first few miles but soon hit a stride. And, I'll be darned, I was able to complete 13 miles this morning -- and without pain in my toes.

I thanked God over and over again.

And I thanked Jill. A year ago today, Jill passed way from breast cancer. She's strongly been on my mind over the past few days. When her song came on my iPod at mile 7, I was tired but was able to run the whole song (as I will forever try to do whenever it comes on). And what that taught me/proved was that I can do anything if I just put my mind to it. While I thought I couldn't run a step more during the prior mile, I proved that I indeed could. All because of Jill.

I miss her so much it hurts. Jill was always encouraging me in my running, always asking how it was going. Before my race at UNC, as I was standing at the Bell Tower getting ready to run, I pulled up the last email I had received from Jill. It was written April 22, 2014, a little more than a month before her death.

This is how it ended:

"thank you so much for your love and prayers.  miss you.  hope you are still running.  I think of you often and am so proud of all that you have accomplished in that arena.  it is not easy to keep up the motivation, I remember. love, jill"

I remember when I got that email feeling embarrassed that I hadn't run in quite awhile, that I had nothing positive about that to report back to Jill. So now, every step I take closer to getting back into a real running routine, I think of her and compose little notes in my head to her. The day before that race at UNC, Edgar posted video to my Facebook page of their four kids cheering "Run, Diana, Run."

And so I do.

Where did May go?

Oh my gosh, I can't believe I haven't written in so long. I need a do-over for May. Seriously. The month is almost over and I don't have much to show for it.

May started great -- I was running before work and feeling awesome doing it. I even ran 6 miles on a Thursday, which I need to be doing more of (longer distances during the week). Then I ran a 10K in Jacksonville last Saturday. It wasn't my best, but it was still pretty good.

But this past week has wiped me out. I have come down with a chest cold -- a horrible cough that won't quit. I've still dragged myself out to do a mile during these days, but I'm telling you, I'm not sure it's been worth it. The mile has left me in a fit of coughs that takes awhile to recover from. I still need to go out and do today's. Hoping it will be better. But that will explain the string of 1-mile minimums below.

I'm now at 208 days straight of at least a mile.

But I'm super behind in my training. I'm supposed to be up to 13 miles, and the longest I've done is 10 -- a month ago. So here's hoping I can beat this cold and get back out there soon. I can't let this bring me down.

(P.S. I will say that as I walked around the track yesterday at dusk, at what must have been a 25-minute-mile pace, blowing my nose every few minutes, I thought to myself "Well, no one can say you give up easily!")

182 days until the MCM: 1 mile

181 days until the MCM: 1.5 miles

180 days until the MCM: 1 mile

179 days until the MCM: 1.5 miles

178 days until the MCM: 1.5 miles

177 days until the MCM: 1.5 miles

176 days until the MCM: 1+ 1 miles

175 days until the MCM: 3 miles

174 days until the MCM: 1.5 miles

173 days until the MCM: 3 miles

172 days until the MCM: 1.5 miles

171 days until the MCM: 2 miles

170 days until the MCM: 1 + 1 miles

169 days until the MCM: 3 miles

168 days until the MCM: 1 mile

167 days until the MCM: 3 miles

166 days until the MCM: 1 mile

165 days until the MCM: 6 miles

164 days until the MCM: 1 mile

163 days until the MCM: 6 miles

162 days until the MCM: 1 mile

161 days until the MCM: 1.5 miles

160 days until the MCM: 1 mile

159 days until the MCM: 1 mile 

158 days until the MCM: 1 mile

157 days until the MCM: 1 mile

156 days until the MCM: 1 mile

155 days until the MCM: 1 mile

Revelation

It hit me one day this week. I don't remember when it was or what caused the revelation, but once I had it, a sense of peace washed over me.

It's about the journey, not the destination.

(So perhaps this blog's name should really be "Journey to the Finish Line"?)

As you may know, I've been feeling anxious lately about the MCM: It's only six months away! I haven't lost enough weight! I haven't been able to maintain a 15-minute-mile pace for 10 miles, let alone 26.2! I can't do this! Why did I ever think I could do this?!

But then, this week, I remembered what I had always told people with regard to the Marine Corps Marathon: I want to do the race, yes, but I'm most looking forward to training for the race. Doing those long runs on the weekends. Taking those wonderful "I just ran 15 miles" naps. Feeling my body get stronger. Coming up with longer and longer playlists to get me through longer and longer runs.

Recently, after two beautiful 10-mile races, I found myself grumbling that I'm not fast enough and who am I kidding? But that's ridiculous. I should instead be thanking God that I am where I am, that I'm back on my feet and able to run/walk any distance at all. I should be out there absorbing the sun and embracing the day and feeling the accomplishment, no matter how small it may seem. If I'm not, then why am I doing this?

Worrying about my speed and my progress will only sully this journey. It's not like I'm not pushing myself. I am. And that's all I can do. The rest will come, or it won't, but it really shouldn't matter.

What does matter is this twisty and turn-y and exciting and unpredictable journey I'm on.

Bring it.

Progress -- but not where I need to be

Well.

The past week has been eye-opening, but I'm afraid that it hasn't been the good kind of eye-opening.

The first 10-miler, in Chapel Hill, was really nice. It was a beautiful day, in a beautiful place, and I felt my friend Jill's presence so much.

Here's my favorite photo, from before the race. It was so peaceful in the stadium, and I could picture Jill in her band uniform playing during those UNC football games.

We were required to maintain a 15-minute per mile pace or be moved to the sidewalk. I was able to keep it up until about mile 5, but right around then, a few minutes behind, I was moved. It was OK -- I actually was with another runner who was super nice and supportive. My pace slowed in the last five miles (I was super tired), and I finished at about 2:42, which was a 16:16 pace. I then spent about an hour stretching in Kenan Stadium, as I was truly spent.

This week, I missed the last 5K in the Friday night series because of work/a missed train, but it was probably for the best. My right hip was hurting me. And my left foot has been in pain during some runs/walks. So I prepped for today's 10-miler instead and hoped for the best.

The cool thing about the Parkway Classic is that they have an early start option for those who can't maintain a 15-minute mile. So I took it. Unfortunately, they changed the process this year and it turned out that because I had signed up for the early start, I had to stick with the bicyclist for the first four miles, and he would only go at an 18-minute mile pace. So I wasn't even able to try to go faster until we were moved to the road with the rest of the runners.

The road, alas, was concrete, and while my IT band and hip seemed fine, my lower back hurt a bit and my foot, well, it was in a lot of pain.

I was able to run the last six miles at around a 15:30 pace, ending up with an average of 16:30 or so.

But as I sat on the waterfront with my medal afterward, I couldn't help but be a bit sad, worrying about the aches and pains, and realizing that I'm just not where I need to be in my training. I am definitely proud of how far I have come in the past six months. I'm a lot faster than I was, 35 pounds lighter and up to 10 miles in my distance. But I am still carrying too much weight on these runs and I'm starting to feel more pains than I'd like. I'm also not able to keep a 15-minute mile pace for 10 miles -- so how am I going to do it for 26.2?

I got my MCM training shirt in the mail this week and was super excited. But then a Facebook post came across noting the "six months until the race" and I kind of freaked out.

Can I do this? Should I even keep trying? I know I want this desperately, but with that six-month clock now ticking down, I am honestly more than a bit scared.

I'm also a little worried about this streak, which has hit 180 days. It may be causing me more problems than it's worth. A friend thinks the foot pain is a contusion from overuse. But if I stop the streak, I'm so afraid I will never get back.

A lot to think about.

192 days until the MCM: 1 mile

191 days until the MCM: 10 miles

190 days until the MCM: 1 mile

189 days until the MCM: 2.5 miles

188 days until the MCM: 1.5 miles

187 days until the MCM: 2.5 miles

186 days until the MCM: 1 mile

185 days until the MCM: 1 mile

184 days until the MCM: 2.5 miles

183 days until the MCM: 10 miles

Absent but still going

Apologies for being so absent! I started a new job three weeks ago, and it's been all-consuming. Well, 90 percent consuming; I am still getting in my daily walk!

How many days is that?

170 days in a row!

That's mind-boggling. But the funny thing is, it's still not completely ingrained in my consciousness (maybe that's because the new job is trying to nudge its way in front). On Saturday, I spent five hours waiting for my car to get looked at, on a gorgeous morning, in a neighborhood that had sidewalks. And I never thought to use some of that time walking (instead, I worked). I got home, watched TV and such, and around 8 p.m. realized...ohmygosh! I haven't walked yet! So I scooted down to the gym and did a mile.

I've had a lot happen since I've last written and I hope I can remember most of it. It's funny: I tend to write the blog in my head, but then never get a chance to actually type it down. I've got to get better at that.

One big milestone: I've been running the Crystal City 5K Fridays in April and seen progress. The first one was super rough: I was exhausted and dehydrated, and it was humid and very pollen-y out. But I still had my best time in two years. The next Friday, after making sure I spent the week drinking tons of water, I beat the previous time by nearly 3 minutes! (See "after" photo above.) I really pushed myself and was able to maintain a 14:54 pace. So I'm now capable of doing 3.1 miles at a 15-min-mile pace. Just 23.1 to go!

BUT.

I have this 10-miler TOMORROW that is requiring a 15-min-mile pace. And I just know it will be impossible to do for 10 miles. I'm prepared to be pushed to the sidewalk, though, man, that will suck. But the race is in Chapel Hill, and it's one I've always wanted to do. So there's no backing down. I'll give it my best shot and try to keep a slow, steady pace. (If you have time on Saturday morning between the hours of 7:30 and 10 a.m., I'd sure appreciate some good vibes!)

AND.

I still have been dealing with some IT band strain/discomfort. I'm trying to roll my leg as much as possible, and that helps. But I can't help but worry about that, too.

Part of the problem, I think, is that I've been trying to walk home every day after work. It's only 2.5 miles, but about 1.5 of it is uphill, and some of that is up a giant hill. Which adds to the strain. But I think my muscles are getting stronger as a result; it's definitely getting easier to walk it (most days).

Other news to report:

One of the biggest problems with me changing jobs has been the weight gain that results. My move from Wilmington to Virginia Beach in 2005 resulted in a 30-pound weight gain in the first two months or so. My move from Norfolk to Arlington was about the same. It's scary.

BUT.

I am pleased and proud to say that I was able to lose about 2-3 pounds in the weeks since starting the job. Not much at all (and not at the rate I really need to be at) but I didn't gain and that is huge for me. I fluctuate some (some weeks have been better than others), but I'm getting lower and am at my lowest weight in two years. The next goal is getting to my pre-Arlington weight, which is about 20 pounds away. (For the curious, I think I'm about 35 pounds down since October.)

Another milestone is coming up. That 170-day walking streak is about to equal six months! While that is exciting, it's also a bit terrifying: That means I'm just six months away from the MCM. Gah! I have so much progress to still make, and that's not taking into account possible/probable injuries. If I can complete these 10 miles somewhat kinda sorta near a 15-min-mile pace, I'll feel somewhat on track.

(Note: For those who have investigated and see that the MCM website says you have to maintain a 14-min-mile pace, the course is open for 7 hours (about 6.5 hours after the last person crosses the start), which means a bit less than a 15-min-mile. Starting time is 7:55; the last person to cross the start -- me -- will be at about 8:20. You have to "beat the bridge" by 1:15 p.m., which means you have to get to mile 20 in about 5 hours, which according to my calculations, is a 15-min-mile. If I am wrong about this, well, just shoot me now.)

It's a bit anxiety-inducing to think about these details, but I need to. I still remember that joy I felt back in September 2009 when I finished 20 miles in less than five hours. I want to feel that again!

So here is where I stand in this 170 day streak of at least 1 mile walking:

218 days until the MCM: 1.5 miles
217 days until the MCM: 1 mile
216 days until the MCM: 3.5 miles
215 days until the MCM: 1 mile
214 days until the MCM: 1 mile
213 days until the MCM: 1 mile
212 days until the MCM: 1 mile
211 days until the MCM: 1 mile
210 days until the MCM: 1+1 miles
209 days until the MCM: 1.5 miles
208 days until the MCM: 3.5 miles
207 days until the MCM: 2.5 miles
206 days until the MCM: 3.1 miles
205 days until the MCM: 1 mile
204 days until the MCM: 6 miles
203 days until the MCM: 1 mile
202 days until the MCM: 1.5 miles
201 days until the MCM: 1 mile
200 days until the MCM: 1 mile

199 days until the MCM: 3.1 miles

198 days until the MCM: 1 mile

197 days until the MCM: 1+1 miles

196 days until the MCM: 2.5 miles

195 days until the MCM: 1.5 miles

194 days until the MCM: 2.5 miles

193 days until the MCM: 2.5 miles

(So, when I started this little streak back in October, I remember standing in Penn Station in NYC and literally counting the days on a calendar to figure out how many there were until the MCM. I counted a few times to make sure I was right. Now, the MCM has its official clock on the website and it says today is 191 days until the race, whereas I'm at 192. At some point I'll need to skip ahead to the correct number, but I'll wait a little longer!)

I'm in!

I got in to the Marine Corps Marathon!

Super, super excited! And nervous, of course.

Yesterday, I went running before work and was able to log two sub-15-minute miles in a row, so only 24 more to go!

(Of course, as I rolled over in bed to check my email for the confirmation just now, I felt tenderness in my knee. Which is kinda freaking me out. Need to get back to serious strength training. Can't afford to get hurt!)

144 days straight!

Hello, hello.

I'm once again in a rush but want to quickly give an update. I finished my second set of 72 days yesterday with a brutal 10-miler.

Here is the proof:

I started with 362 days until the MCM; now we're at 218 days. It's getting more serious! And I'll find out this week if I actually get IN the race. Fingers crossed!

As for yesterday's 10-miler: I'm trying really hard to stick to the 2/3 run/walk rhythm, and I wanted to see how long I could do that solid until I was too tuckered. I got to mile 6.5 or so, though the first mile was walking. So technically, I can go only 5.5 miles straight doing the run/walk method. My first long race (10 miles) is in one month, and there IS a time limit on the course, so I really need to work on my stamina. I was beyond exhausted after yesterday's 10 miles. So I have a ways to go.

Some very exciting news: I don't have to take blood-pressure medication! My doctor had given me four months to get it down (it was rather high for a long time) and I did! It was 122/80 on Friday and she said I earned my pass! Very good news for me.

I'm also down about 30 pounds total. Getting there. Very slowly but surely.

240 days until the MCM: 6 miles
239 days until the MCM: 1 mile
238 days until the MCM: 2 miles
237 days until the MCM: 1 mile
236 days until the MCM: 1 mile
235 days until the MCM: 1.5 miles
234 days until the MCM: 1 mile
233 days until the MCM: 9 miles
232 days until the MCM: 2 miles
231 days until the MCM: 3 miles
230 days until the MCM: 3 miles
229 days until the MCM: 1 mile
228 days until the MCM: 1 mile
227 days until the MCM: 1 mile
226 days until the MCM: 1 mile
225 days until the MCM: 1 mile
224 days until the MCM: 1.5 miles
223 days until the MCM: 2 miles
222 days until the MCM: 2 miles
221 days until the MCM: 1.5 miles
220 days until the MCM: 1 mile
219 days until the MCM: 10 miles

Exciting times

I don't have much time at all to write (so I'll have to update my daily mileage the next time), but I wanted to write about today's run, because it was a huge step for me.

Because of my weight, I have been alternating running/walking in my mileage for years and years now. It has helped keep me injury-free (knock on every wood surface available) and will be key in doing a marathon. But today -- rainy but warm enough to go outside in a T-shirt and hat instead of layers and a muffler -- I decided to see how far I could run straight. One lap? I did it and felt great. OK, let's try two. Still feel good. Three? Yep. And by golly, I did four, meaning I was able to run a mile straight, which hasn't been the case in what feels like forever. It meant so much to me. I felt almost as glorious as I felt back in 2004/05 when I ran a mile for the first time in my life.

Some other fun milestones:

I did nine miles on Saturday -- mostly walking b/c the roads were still icy, but still ... nine!

I don't know the exact number off-hand, but I've gone more than 130 days now walking/jogging at least one mile!

And the weight is still going down. Slowly but it's moving. I'm almost at my lowest weight in two years. The next goal will be my pre-D.C. weight.

Onward!