Can't Catch Up

I'm the worst. I re-started this blog and then left it hanging shortly after. It's a symptom of the life I'm leading these days. I have no time for anything, and every aspect of my life is suffering as a result.

I don't know how to make this all work. How to live a healthy life and do good at my jobs. Perhaps the plural on "job" is the problem. Perhaps it's the type of work. Perhaps I simply care more about the products I'm editing than I do about the life I'm living. Although "living" isn't the right word.

As I sit here and look out at my apartment, I see a blank running calendar, a stack of unread newspapers, an even bigger stack of unread magazines (the running magazines go back more than a year), the freelance assignment I'm currently struggling with, extra work from my job I had to take home to finish, and a kitchen garbage can filled with the wrappers of junk food I consumed last night. I also see that Christmas card list and wonder why I even bothered creating it.

I do not see Christmas decorations. There was no point, no room, no time.

As I sit here, I feel sluggish, a tight chest and emotionally spent. I'm exhausted, and it's just the beginning of the long workweek. I don't know where to begin.

So I decided to begin here, despite my mind screaming that I have work to do that should be the priority.

I went to New York City this past weekend to surprise my sister on her birthday. We also watched my brother-in-law's show at Lincoln Center (he wrote it) and afterward went backstage for him to chat with his performers. I found myself in a room where the walls were mirrors (performers like their mirrors) and I had to witness my big body sticking out amid the pretty people. I tried to press against the wall, make myself hidden, but nothing could hide "this." I silently wished my sister would stop introducing me to people.

I don't know what to do. Do you know how many trips to the grocery store I've taken where I've bought junk food, saying it was "the last binge before the diet"? Countless.

I have an hour-by-hour to-do list that incorporates when I eat and exercise, and though I wrote this list months ago, I have yet to follow it exactly for even one day. (The schedule was made simply because I have too much work to do and needed to see if there were enough hours in the day to do it all.) I am trying. I am just also failing.

I'm going to try this week to do just one thing and that is avoid sugar and bread. Funny that I begin this the day my co-worker has brought in 1,300 Christmas cookies (and that is an exact number). But sugar is the first step. I have given it up before and felt less exhausted. Going to try again.

I have so much to do. Not just work-wise, but life-wise. I need to figure out how to control my stress, because I'm not the young obese Diana who was killing herself with food and stress but who at least had youth on her side. I'm 38. This will kill me if I can't control it.

Perhaps subconsciously that's what I'm trying to accomplish. But as long as I have that tiny bit of will inside of me that wants to run again and smile again and feel pride again, I've got to use it to beat down that bigger part of me that wants to call it a day.