Yeah, so the bad dreams have continued all week and it's making my sleep very restless. I have no idea where it's all coming from, but in a way, the bad food dreams have helped me. Gets it out of my system.
The new challenge will be a visit to D.C. this weekend to see my boyfriend. I'm notorious for letting the dining-out meals be bad, so I need to be very careful. Luckily, I have gotten him addicted to Weight Watcher and Skinny Cow ice cream treats and Healthy Choice meals, so I do have healthy options!
I mapped out a schedule of my weight-loss goals, and the final goal of 166 puts me at the end of June (that's with a 2-pound weight loss every week, which, I know is not always possible). How I would love for this to work. I do feel more on track in my mind, right now, than I've been in the past year.
I also have to come to grips with the fact that 166 today, at age 35, will not be the 167 it was at age 30. I seem to have a much harder time with my stomach/hips these days and the distribution may not be to my liking. But....I'm getting ahead of myself. Not there yet!
Yesterday's 4 miles was good -- I don't believe I coughed once while running! (Though, yeah, some after.) I may be on my way to recovery. Let's hope I can continue on this better path....
Friday, January 15, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Stupid dreams
So the bad dreams seem to be taking over, and last night/this morning I had so many, I woke up in a horrid mood. The main dream was me in Pittsburgh at a graduation party (my graduation party from college, so I apparently was 13 years younger) eating, eating, eating and trying to pack all the food and gifts in a suitcase to bring home with me. In the dream, it occurred to me that my weight loss was going to be affected by the food I ate and I figured I'd just tell you all on the blog that it was a party and how can you deny me food at my own party?
Of course, in that dream I was also sad that I blew the diet.
What in the world is going on with me? Obviously I'm scared I'm going to screw up. But geez, this seems over the top.
Of course, in that dream I was also sad that I blew the diet.
What in the world is going on with me? Obviously I'm scared I'm going to screw up. But geez, this seems over the top.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Week 1--Check!
Last week's weight: 216
This week's weight: 212
Total loss: 4 pounds
Left to lose: 46 pounds
I'll take it! I feel like it's a small weight-loss for the first week, which usually shows much more success, but I have to remember that I barely exercised. And that my goal is 2 pounds a week. And that Rome wasn't built in a day. Etc.
I also need to work on my eating schedule. Working until midnight makes it hard to have the typical eating routine, as my dinner is usually around 10 p.m. And that makes me worry that I eat too many of my calories late at night. I need to have more of a balance but my fear is that if I eat earlier, I'll be so hungry at night with no calories left to use.
I just got finished with a 3-mile run, which wasn't wonderful but was better than the last one. I only coughed a few times during the run and didn't wheeze too much. There's still some chest congestion but it doesn't seem as bad.
I still haven't tried my exercise DVD....maybe tomorrow. Gotta eat some breakfast now (yes, I know it's noon).
This week's weight: 212
Total loss: 4 pounds
Left to lose: 46 pounds
I'll take it! I feel like it's a small weight-loss for the first week, which usually shows much more success, but I have to remember that I barely exercised. And that my goal is 2 pounds a week. And that Rome wasn't built in a day. Etc.
I also need to work on my eating schedule. Working until midnight makes it hard to have the typical eating routine, as my dinner is usually around 10 p.m. And that makes me worry that I eat too many of my calories late at night. I need to have more of a balance but my fear is that if I eat earlier, I'll be so hungry at night with no calories left to use.
I just got finished with a 3-mile run, which wasn't wonderful but was better than the last one. I only coughed a few times during the run and didn't wheeze too much. There's still some chest congestion but it doesn't seem as bad.
I still haven't tried my exercise DVD....maybe tomorrow. Gotta eat some breakfast now (yes, I know it's noon).
Monday, January 11, 2010
How? Why?
I do believe I will make it to the end of Week 1 having followed the program to a T. Well, the eating part at least. The exercise part still is being hindered by this cough. But I'm happy about making it one full week and my new goal is two full weeks. :) I'll let you know how the scale responds tomorrow....
Last night, it hit me just how much damage I have done to my body over the past few months. It's scary, just how quickly you can go from pretty healthy running double-digit mileage to .... this. It hit me because I was so sore. My legs were killing me (not pain but muscle soreness) from the 7 miles. And I was wearing a T-shirt from a race last year that was now skin-tight on me. How did I get here? And why? Why did I cause so much damage to my body? I can place blame on the stress of the jobs and a big bout of depression and having not enough time to run. But it still doesn't answer the Why? for me.
I didn't care enough about myself, but not only that, I think it was closer to self-hatred. And when you hate something, you treat it poorly. And that's what I was doing. It's hard to admit that.
I do feel better just having gotten through this week. And I know from past experience that the longer I go, the prouder I'll be, the better I'll feel, the more I'll raise my head and feel like I'm worth something.
I've got to say, too, that this weekend I have immersed myself in books and that right there has done more for me than you can imagine. First of all, that means the TV is not on as much, which means I don't just sit there and eat and doze. Second of all, it's hard to eat while reading a book. At one point, I had to force myself to eat breakfast yesterday before a run so I brought my laptop to my dining room table (at the time I was reading a book from Gutenberg.org) and ate my oatmeal with one hand while scrolling with the other. Wasn't an easy task.
I guess this means I need to whittle down my list of TV shows I watch. Don't worry -- Biggest Loser will remain at the top.
Last night, it hit me just how much damage I have done to my body over the past few months. It's scary, just how quickly you can go from pretty healthy running double-digit mileage to .... this. It hit me because I was so sore. My legs were killing me (not pain but muscle soreness) from the 7 miles. And I was wearing a T-shirt from a race last year that was now skin-tight on me. How did I get here? And why? Why did I cause so much damage to my body? I can place blame on the stress of the jobs and a big bout of depression and having not enough time to run. But it still doesn't answer the Why? for me.
I didn't care enough about myself, but not only that, I think it was closer to self-hatred. And when you hate something, you treat it poorly. And that's what I was doing. It's hard to admit that.
I do feel better just having gotten through this week. And I know from past experience that the longer I go, the prouder I'll be, the better I'll feel, the more I'll raise my head and feel like I'm worth something.
I've got to say, too, that this weekend I have immersed myself in books and that right there has done more for me than you can imagine. First of all, that means the TV is not on as much, which means I don't just sit there and eat and doze. Second of all, it's hard to eat while reading a book. At one point, I had to force myself to eat breakfast yesterday before a run so I brought my laptop to my dining room table (at the time I was reading a book from Gutenberg.org) and ate my oatmeal with one hand while scrolling with the other. Wasn't an easy task.
I guess this means I need to whittle down my list of TV shows I watch. Don't worry -- Biggest Loser will remain at the top.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Wheeze, cough, run
Well, the good news is I got up off the couch and completed 7 miles today. It was slow, yes indeed, but I ran about half of it and feel good for doing something.
The bad news is the chest congestion just isn't going away. I wheezed for much of the run and had to stop to cough a few times. I sucked on cough drops, which helped, but I didn't bring any water. By the end of the run, I was feeling quite nauseated by the combination of running on a diet of Halls cough drops.
But it's been a good day. I've read a new book -- new to me but ages old; "Camille" by Alexandre Dumas -- and enjoyed a quiet Sunday. It's good to read for pleasure once again!
The diet is going well; I've eaten my way through my bananas and blueberries and squash and need to replenish tomorrow. It's always a joy when I actually consume the fruits and vegetables and not have to throw them out because they've gone bad.
I'm going to try a DVD workout tomorrow and see how that goes....haven't done that since Jane Fonda in the 1980s!
The bad news is the chest congestion just isn't going away. I wheezed for much of the run and had to stop to cough a few times. I sucked on cough drops, which helped, but I didn't bring any water. By the end of the run, I was feeling quite nauseated by the combination of running on a diet of Halls cough drops.
But it's been a good day. I've read a new book -- new to me but ages old; "Camille" by Alexandre Dumas -- and enjoyed a quiet Sunday. It's good to read for pleasure once again!
The diet is going well; I've eaten my way through my bananas and blueberries and squash and need to replenish tomorrow. It's always a joy when I actually consume the fruits and vegetables and not have to throw them out because they've gone bad.
I'm going to try a DVD workout tomorrow and see how that goes....haven't done that since Jane Fonda in the 1980s!
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Now the hard part begins...
So I've made it to Day 5 -- good eating all week, lots of water, even a good amount of fruits and veggies. The exercise has been nil since Tuesday, though, as I'm still wheezing from this chest cold. Part of me thinks I'm being smart not pushing it by exercising outside in the cold weather, but the other part thinks I'm just being lazy. I'm going to do my best to get outside tomorrow; I'm scheduled for 7 miles but it may just be a 7-mile walk.
So what's the hard part I'm facing? Well, my weekend begins when I get off work tonight, and weekends are always hard for me. I'm always more prone to mindless eating while watching Law & Order reruns. And I've got some Weight Watcher ice cream treats I really love....which means I'll be tempted to use all my calories on sugar. And, well, that's no good.
I also fear that scale a little. But I have to remind myself that a 2-pound loss is all I'm shooting for when I weigh in on Tuesday.
One tiny step at a time.
So what's the hard part I'm facing? Well, my weekend begins when I get off work tonight, and weekends are always hard for me. I'm always more prone to mindless eating while watching Law & Order reruns. And I've got some Weight Watcher ice cream treats I really love....which means I'll be tempted to use all my calories on sugar. And, well, that's no good.
I also fear that scale a little. But I have to remind myself that a 2-pound loss is all I'm shooting for when I weigh in on Tuesday.
One tiny step at a time.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Ups, downs, standing still
I had a dream last night that I bought some kind of dessert and ate it, and as I was eating it, I realized how I had already managed to screw up this latest weight-loss attempt. I have these dreams often, it seems, when I start a diet. I don't know if it's the stress of it or just a chance for me to get it out of my system without actually consuming the calories. Either way, I don't mind the dreams - they help keep me on track and make me realize how sad I'd be if the dreams were reality.
This morning/afternoon has been hard for me. I decided not to run because the cough is just all-consuming. If I thought the run wouldn't hurt me, I'd do it. But I don't like messing with respiratory issues. I had to tell myself it's OK - and hope for a better tomorrow. But sitting here in my living room and watching TV is no good as it makes me want to snack. So instead I made myself a cup of tea, which helped a lot. Helped the cough a bit and kept the snacking at bay.
I glimpsed a sad part of my past yesterday when I watched the first episode of the latest "Biggest Loser" season. The contestants all had to have their initial weigh-ins in front of their hometowns, and as each walked up to the scale, shirtless and exposing all their flaws, I watched as their friends and family averted their eyes. Few would actually LOOK at the contestant. It's the sad and ironic fact about obese people - they're invisible. People don't want to see them so they look away. It made me think about when I weighed 300 pounds and was going to attend a function wearing a big flowery dress. I was terrified to make an appearance because I looked so bad. But when I went down to the party, no one even looked at me. I was invisible - yet bigger than anyone else there.
I helped (and still do) make myself invisible. I averted (avert) my own eyes when I felt (feel) awful about how I looked (look). I don't WANT anyone to see me.
I've noticed lately how bad I look at work. Not just the obvious "Hey I'm fatter." But I don't try to make other aspects of myself look good. My hair's a mess, no makeup, sloppy clothes, not a bit of jewelry. And that's got to change. I've got to care about myself more, and dieting/exercise is only half of it. Of course, it's hard to attempt to look good when all you have that fits are T-shirts. But I've got to try more.
And I will.
This morning/afternoon has been hard for me. I decided not to run because the cough is just all-consuming. If I thought the run wouldn't hurt me, I'd do it. But I don't like messing with respiratory issues. I had to tell myself it's OK - and hope for a better tomorrow. But sitting here in my living room and watching TV is no good as it makes me want to snack. So instead I made myself a cup of tea, which helped a lot. Helped the cough a bit and kept the snacking at bay.
I glimpsed a sad part of my past yesterday when I watched the first episode of the latest "Biggest Loser" season. The contestants all had to have their initial weigh-ins in front of their hometowns, and as each walked up to the scale, shirtless and exposing all their flaws, I watched as their friends and family averted their eyes. Few would actually LOOK at the contestant. It's the sad and ironic fact about obese people - they're invisible. People don't want to see them so they look away. It made me think about when I weighed 300 pounds and was going to attend a function wearing a big flowery dress. I was terrified to make an appearance because I looked so bad. But when I went down to the party, no one even looked at me. I was invisible - yet bigger than anyone else there.
I helped (and still do) make myself invisible. I averted (avert) my own eyes when I felt (feel) awful about how I looked (look). I don't WANT anyone to see me.
I've noticed lately how bad I look at work. Not just the obvious "Hey I'm fatter." But I don't try to make other aspects of myself look good. My hair's a mess, no makeup, sloppy clothes, not a bit of jewelry. And that's got to change. I've got to care about myself more, and dieting/exercise is only half of it. Of course, it's hard to attempt to look good when all you have that fits are T-shirts. But I've got to try more.
And I will.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Day 2
A success!
Though I'm a wee big worried about my scheduled 4-mile run tomorrow, as my cough seems to be getting worse. I guess we'll see how it goes.
Though I'm a wee big worried about my scheduled 4-mile run tomorrow, as my cough seems to be getting worse. I guess we'll see how it goes.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Day 1
I love the TV show "The Biggest Loser." Yes, it can be frustrating (I still get angry when I think of them running marathons with only two months of training). But I watch it because I can relate to the struggles many of the contestants have faced. I get inspired by the workouts. I cry at almost every episode.
But I don't watch the show when I'm feeling bad about my weight. If I'm overeating and not exercising, the shows remain taped but unwatched. It makes me feel too guilty if I watch people drop pounds as I sit on the couch and stuff my face.
So I didn't watch last season's finale until today. Sad, huh? That means I pretty much never even tried to lose weight or eat right all of December and for most of November.
That's my embarrassing admission for the day.
I went running today, and it was pretty much a disaster. I was still coughing from being sick, and my shin started hurting at mile 2 so I had to walk a lot. The shin problem is a good sign I am #1 too big and #2 out of shape. I "ran" 6 miles on Sunday, so it could also be that I'm doing too much too soon.
After my run, I went home and watched the finale of "The Biggest Loser" and did some weights and crunches as I watched. There's nothing more inspiring than watching people turn into twigs right before your eyes.
On the food front, the eating has gone fine today, and I've been sure to drink plenty of water. I'm looking forward to a trip to Target tomorrow where the Weight Watchers frozen meals are on sale for less than $2 a piece.
Now for a little good news that I hope will inspire me in 2010:
According to my calculations on logyourrun.com, I ran (and by "ran" I mean "ran/walked") 632 miles last year. There were months (June, September), when the tally was more than 70 miles. And then there was sad December, when I only ran 10. But it was pretty cool to see that and realize how much I accomplished. While I tend to focus on my failures, I can't deny that there were some successes as well.
Thanks to you all for caring enough to read this and for picking me up when I fall. I'm blessed beyond measure.
But I don't watch the show when I'm feeling bad about my weight. If I'm overeating and not exercising, the shows remain taped but unwatched. It makes me feel too guilty if I watch people drop pounds as I sit on the couch and stuff my face.
So I didn't watch last season's finale until today. Sad, huh? That means I pretty much never even tried to lose weight or eat right all of December and for most of November.
That's my embarrassing admission for the day.
I went running today, and it was pretty much a disaster. I was still coughing from being sick, and my shin started hurting at mile 2 so I had to walk a lot. The shin problem is a good sign I am #1 too big and #2 out of shape. I "ran" 6 miles on Sunday, so it could also be that I'm doing too much too soon.
After my run, I went home and watched the finale of "The Biggest Loser" and did some weights and crunches as I watched. There's nothing more inspiring than watching people turn into twigs right before your eyes.
On the food front, the eating has gone fine today, and I've been sure to drink plenty of water. I'm looking forward to a trip to Target tomorrow where the Weight Watchers frozen meals are on sale for less than $2 a piece.
Now for a little good news that I hope will inspire me in 2010:
According to my calculations on logyourrun.com, I ran (and by "ran" I mean "ran/walked") 632 miles last year. There were months (June, September), when the tally was more than 70 miles. And then there was sad December, when I only ran 10. But it was pretty cool to see that and realize how much I accomplished. While I tend to focus on my failures, I can't deny that there were some successes as well.
Thanks to you all for caring enough to read this and for picking me up when I fall. I'm blessed beyond measure.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Back in the game (I hope)
Hello there (if anyone is indeed out there),
Looking back at my old blog posts, I almost don't recognize that girl who was training for the Marine Corps Marathon. She was so driven, so determined. Sure, she had her difficulties (mostly in her diet), but she was passionate about that race and doing what she needed to do to succeed.
I don't remember the last time I felt that good about running. It's so hard to believe that it was only three and a half months ago that I ran 20 miles. And that I was so dedicated I awoke at 4 a.m. to do it. Where did that girl go?
Ever since I deferred my marathon experience, I've been in a deep depression. It's not so much that I didn't do it, but that I worked so hard and ultimately failed. That the naysayers were right. That my friends who looked at me with raised eyebrows and "oooh-kay" responses to my goal were correct in doubting my abilities. And I know the main reason I failed was my weight. You just can run as far or as fast when you keep adding weight to your body.
Last semester, with the teaching gig and book editing and my job, I let myself go big-time. I've gained even more weight since the training stopped and I'm at that point where I'm terrified about what's ahead. I can't keep gaining -- I'm on that cusp of returning to the old me, and I don't want to go there. On New Year's Day, I weighed (and I am embarrassed to admit this) 216 pounds. If you recall, my heaviest weight was 317. One more pound and I start to enter that first 100 pounds lost, and I just can't do that.
The weight gain has been showing in many ways: my inability to fit into any of my clothes, trouble crossing my legs or tying my shoes, sweating after walking up a few flights of stairs.
So now I'm facing the need to lose 50 pounds, but at least 40 to feel more comfortable running longer distances. I would need to start training for the marathon in June, which means I have five months to lose 40 pounds. Possible? That's 8 pounds a month, or 2 pounds a week, which is the healthy way to lose weight, so I know it's doable. I just have to get my mind wrapped around it. And my mind has been stopping me for so long now.
I haven't been able to even get through ONE day of eating right these past few months. And I'm beginning to wonder if I'm punishing myself, trying to hurt myself and this is the easiest way. It only hurts me; doesn't hurt others. It's sad. I don't know why I dislike myself so much.
I wish I knew what it was that clicked all those years ago (seven years this month) when I began the diet that changed my life. What made it work when everything before and after hadn't/hasn't? I re-read my old journal entries but it doesn't help. I'm pretty sure the community support had a lot to do with it -- and maybe was the sole reason. I was given a great gift and I feel like I've wasted it.
Of course, another reason it worked may have been because I wrote about it -- wrote honestly about my weight and what I was going through. This blog began with a similar purpose, but I never was completely honest (I never lied but I would omit things because I was too ashamed to say what I ate or how much I gained). Maybe I've become too guarded.
Just publishing this post will be a step. And at this point, I can only take one step at a time and hope it leads me in the right direction....finally.
Looking back at my old blog posts, I almost don't recognize that girl who was training for the Marine Corps Marathon. She was so driven, so determined. Sure, she had her difficulties (mostly in her diet), but she was passionate about that race and doing what she needed to do to succeed.
I don't remember the last time I felt that good about running. It's so hard to believe that it was only three and a half months ago that I ran 20 miles. And that I was so dedicated I awoke at 4 a.m. to do it. Where did that girl go?
Ever since I deferred my marathon experience, I've been in a deep depression. It's not so much that I didn't do it, but that I worked so hard and ultimately failed. That the naysayers were right. That my friends who looked at me with raised eyebrows and "oooh-kay" responses to my goal were correct in doubting my abilities. And I know the main reason I failed was my weight. You just can run as far or as fast when you keep adding weight to your body.
Last semester, with the teaching gig and book editing and my job, I let myself go big-time. I've gained even more weight since the training stopped and I'm at that point where I'm terrified about what's ahead. I can't keep gaining -- I'm on that cusp of returning to the old me, and I don't want to go there. On New Year's Day, I weighed (and I am embarrassed to admit this) 216 pounds. If you recall, my heaviest weight was 317. One more pound and I start to enter that first 100 pounds lost, and I just can't do that.
The weight gain has been showing in many ways: my inability to fit into any of my clothes, trouble crossing my legs or tying my shoes, sweating after walking up a few flights of stairs.
So now I'm facing the need to lose 50 pounds, but at least 40 to feel more comfortable running longer distances. I would need to start training for the marathon in June, which means I have five months to lose 40 pounds. Possible? That's 8 pounds a month, or 2 pounds a week, which is the healthy way to lose weight, so I know it's doable. I just have to get my mind wrapped around it. And my mind has been stopping me for so long now.
I haven't been able to even get through ONE day of eating right these past few months. And I'm beginning to wonder if I'm punishing myself, trying to hurt myself and this is the easiest way. It only hurts me; doesn't hurt others. It's sad. I don't know why I dislike myself so much.
I wish I knew what it was that clicked all those years ago (seven years this month) when I began the diet that changed my life. What made it work when everything before and after hadn't/hasn't? I re-read my old journal entries but it doesn't help. I'm pretty sure the community support had a lot to do with it -- and maybe was the sole reason. I was given a great gift and I feel like I've wasted it.
Of course, another reason it worked may have been because I wrote about it -- wrote honestly about my weight and what I was going through. This blog began with a similar purpose, but I never was completely honest (I never lied but I would omit things because I was too ashamed to say what I ate or how much I gained). Maybe I've become too guarded.
Just publishing this post will be a step. And at this point, I can only take one step at a time and hope it leads me in the right direction....finally.
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