Ups, downs, standing still

I had a dream last night that I bought some kind of dessert and ate it, and as I was eating it, I realized how I had already managed to screw up this latest weight-loss attempt. I have these dreams often, it seems, when I start a diet. I don't know if it's the stress of it or just a chance for me to get it out of my system without actually consuming the calories. Either way, I don't mind the dreams - they help keep me on track and make me realize how sad I'd be if the dreams were reality.

This morning/afternoon has been hard for me. I decided not to run because the cough is just all-consuming. If I thought the run wouldn't hurt me, I'd do it. But I don't like messing with respiratory issues. I had to tell myself it's OK - and hope for a better tomorrow. But sitting here in my living room and watching TV is no good as it makes me want to snack. So instead I made myself a cup of tea, which helped a lot. Helped the cough a bit and kept the snacking at bay.

I glimpsed a sad part of my past yesterday when I watched the first episode of the latest "Biggest Loser" season. The contestants all had to have their initial weigh-ins in front of their hometowns, and as each walked up to the scale, shirtless and exposing all their flaws, I watched as their friends and family averted their eyes. Few would actually LOOK at the contestant. It's the sad and ironic fact about obese people - they're invisible. People don't want to see them so they look away. It made me think about when I weighed 300 pounds and was going to attend a function wearing a big flowery dress. I was terrified to make an appearance because I looked so bad. But when I went down to the party, no one even looked at me. I was invisible - yet bigger than anyone else there.

I helped (and still do) make myself invisible. I averted (avert) my own eyes when I felt (feel) awful about how I looked (look). I don't WANT anyone to see me.

I've noticed lately how bad I look at work. Not just the obvious "Hey I'm fatter." But I don't try to make other aspects of myself look good. My hair's a mess, no makeup, sloppy clothes, not a bit of jewelry. And that's got to change. I've got to care about myself more, and dieting/exercise is only half of it. Of course, it's hard to attempt to look good when all you have that fits are T-shirts. But I've got to try more.

And I will.