There are so many negative things I could dwell on today. How I fell back into old, horrible eating habits these past two months. How I managed to run less this December than last December, when I only logged four days. How I've gained back all the weight I lost at the beginning of the semester, and then some.
But despite stepping on the scale this morning and seeing a number that struck fear in every part of my body (and for the first time in years, I just can't reveal it, I'm so ashamed), I feel OK. I feel at peace.
Want to know why?
It's been a heck of a few months. I worked at the newspaper. I taught class twice a week and graded papers/planned lessons every day. And over the course of three months, I had three books from Random House to proofread - which means I was pretty much working three jobs the whole time.
And for the first time, I felt like I did a really good job at all three. I was complimented on my designs by people I respect in the design/newspaper world. I was given the Accuracy Award. I never took a sick day. I received incredible comments on my student evaluations. I caught some great errors in the books. I'm proud of myself for the work I did.
Sure, I could have still accomplished all of the above and not gained weight. With the exception of not having time to exercise, the busy schedule didn't cause this weight gain. The busy schedule didn't make me eat pie. I did that to myself. I take full responsibility.
So many times this semester I asked myself, "What have I done?" The shame I feel is consuming. But. All I can do is keep trying. All I can do is renew my effort. All I can do is hope that I can stop this cycle of yo-yo dieting, reclaim my life and finally set out to accomplish those running goals I covet.
All I can do is hope that 2011 is the year I make it happen.