Saturday, February 27, 2010

Aren't you a good little scale?! Yes you are!

My new scale is becoming my new best friend as it shows a lower weight every day. At first, I thought it was just a bad scale, but on one day, I weighed myself back to back and it showed the same number. So it appears to not be on the fritz.

How I love seeing a lower number, even if it's 0.2 of a pound smaller!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

NOT a dream

Well, shortly after I got home from D.C. on Tuesday, depressed about my weigh-in and other things, I sat down in front of the TV and consumed nearly a bag of Baked Lays.

It wasn't a dream.

That's the bad news. An old, dangerous, bad habit returned. The good news is that I ate the rest of the day accordingly and stayed within my Points (if you count the extras you're allowed during the week).

And yes, I added up the Points in a bag of Baked Lays. Nine servings total; I had already eaten one serving prior; so eight servings, and they equaled about 20 Points. Yeah, I know. (I typically eat 24 Points in the course of one day.)

I've since gotten back on track.

And I keep weighing myself on my new scale. I must admit: If I could just drop some pounds, I think I'll like this new scale. It's pretty nifty. Yes, right now I hate how honest it is when it tells me I'm obese and screams my body fat percentage, but it will be thrilling when my status changes as I lose weight.

In exercise news, I ran 3 miles today and felt really, really, really good. I've been worried about my lack of stamina lately. I needed this run.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Week 7 weigh-in: Reality Bites

Beginning weight: 216 (old scale)
Last week's weight: 204 (old scale)
This week's weight: 206.6 (new scale)

This week's loss: n/a
Total loss: n/a
Left to lose: 40.4 pounds

Sucks. It really put me into a depression this morning, even though I knew it was coming with the new scale.

I just hate how I let myself go. Seeing that number reminds me.

But off I begin again. I don't know how to total my losses except to use the numbers I have available. Which means a total loss of 9.4 pounds.

I really want to believe I would have lost weight this week, but I'll never know.


Monday, February 22, 2010

Dreamin' ... again

Yesterday was hard in terms of eating and keeping track of how many Points/calories I ate. Following a 5-mile walk (it was supposed to be a 10-mile run but the shin was hurting), Greg and I had lunch at Ruby Tuesday's. I didn't think to look on its Web site beforehand b/c for some reason I thought they had a "light" section. Wrong. So I chose as best as I could: an Asian spinach salmon salad with fresh spinach, cucumber, edamame, grilled salmon and black beans. There also were fried wonton strips but I didn't eat them. In my head, I thought, maybe 7-8 points? When I got home and checked the restaurant Web site, it turned out my meal was like 12 points (660-some calories, 20-some grams of fat). I would hope that it is much less b/c I didn't eat the half-cup-worth of wontons, but who knows.

Then for dinner, we had sushi. I got a lot, probably too much, reasoning that it's pretty light fare. Raw salmon, tuna, shrimp and rice. But, again, who knows.

I didn't eat much else the rest of the day. But I went to bed full of sushi and wondering if I overindulged. Then...I dreamed.

I dreamed I ate all of my sushi and then devoured an entire large pizza. I dreamed of the shame I felt as I closed the lid and wondered if everyone was looking at me and not believing how much I had eaten.


In other news, I bought a digital scale today. I had a hard time finding the right one, but with help from my lovely sister and brother-in-law on the phone, we narrowed it down. I'll let you know how it goes; none of the scales that rated high in Consumer Reports were at the Target...but this brand (Tanita) seemed good. It also gives body fat and the like, and between that and the knowledge that it will be more accurate than my dial scale, I'm a little frightened of weighing in tomorrow. My goal for this Tuesday (according to my calendar mapping out a hoped-for 2-pound loss a week) is 202, and I just don't think that's going to be the case. I don't want to get upset. But I'm sure whatever the number says, if it's higher than that, I'll be pretty bummed.

I should, instead, be proud of what I've resisted on this trip. The french fry Greg offered me; the homemade pizzelles I made for him AT CHRISTMAS in his cabinet; the chips and chocolates in his kitchen. All avoided, with little effort.

But you know me. Ms. I-want-the-weight-to-come-off-faster. I'm working on being a little more patient...

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Saying goodbye to an old friend

Well, I've been forced to enter the world of the digital scale a little earlier than I had hoped. I went to do a pre-weekend weigh-in today and discovered my dial scale is broken. The little dial won't go to 0; it's stuck at like 270.

I've had this scale forever, and it accompanied me on the big 150-pound weight-loss. It took me from the high weights where I had to add 30, 40 pounds as the dial flew past 270 and back to 0; I almost kissed it when I got to 270 and no longer had to do math to find out my weight; I cried many times when I reached new goals; and, I admit, I kicked it many times when I saw the pointer go up.

So this weekend, I'll invest in a new digital one and I'll have to face my "new" weight, which will likely be higher (i.e. more realistic). I'll let you know how it goes Tuesday morning.

I'm off to D.C. this weekend, a trip I've been trying to make for the past month now. The snow has hindered me the past three or four Saturdays, and I'm hopeful all will be OK today. I do fear the restaurant food we'll likely eat; Greg keeps telling me about cupcake stores that are opening and encouraging trips to get hot chocolate. But I've packed my healthful snacks again and will try to push through the temptations.

On a running note, I'm supposed to do 10 miles tomorrow but ... guess who has sore shins again!?

Friday, February 19, 2010

A good run

I had a good run today (well, Thursday; I'm writing this after work and it's now technically Friday). I did 4 miles again and did it faster than Tuesday's 4 miles. Yes, I'm still insanely slower than I was before the weight-gain (and before I was pretty darn slow), but I am seeing progress, which is all I can ask for.

The jeans are still tight. When-oh-when will they feel better?

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


So, I *think* I am starting to see a small difference in my clothes. Very happy about that!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Week 6 weigh-in

Beginning weight: 216
Last week's weight: 205
This week's weight: 204
This week's loss: 1 pound

Total loss: 12 pounds
Left to lose: 38 pounds

The scale was driving me a little crazy today, in that I really couldn't tell what my exact weight was. It may be 203, but I decided to round up to 204 just to be safe.

Funny enough, I'm fine with just one pound. I know deep down I am not exercising as much as I need to, and it's going to take more than eating healthfully to lose this weight.

I did shake it up today, exercise-wise. During my four miles, I did six 1-minute bursts of fast running, trying to push my body harder. It felt good.

My race on Saturday, I forgot to tell you, was really great. I prayed and prayed for so many aspects to be OK (no snow on the roads, no bad shins, etc.) and it all was fine. It snowed, heavy at times, but nothing sticked on the roads. There was a fierce wind during the last half of the 8.75 miles, but it made it ... entertaining. And no shin problems! My time was better than it's been in the past month and a half, so that was nice to see.

And, just so you know, I did - thankfully - make it through my weekend without falling off the wagon. There was one moment when I did grab the Special K granola (new and yummy) box and sat down with it, eating away without measuring. But I didn't eat too too much and that was the worst of my eating all weekend. (If you recall, eating cereal out of the box was how I started gaining weight to begin with, so it's a dangerous thing for me. I have now sworn off buying the granola, for awhile at least.)

There were moments on Sunday and Monday night when I had used up my WW Points but wanted to grab another WW ice cream treat. But I stopped myself both times by turning off the TV and going into my bedroom or office to read. I'm really proud of myself for that. It would have been really easy to eat more and rationalize by digging into the extra Points you're allowed during the week. But I wasn't hungry and I knew that one more tends to lead to two more, etc.

Well, gotta go eat my post-run oatmeal now. I think today's sunshine did me a lot of good spirit-wise. It's amazing how that works, isn't it? Let's hope for more sun this week, for us all.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Me and Carnie

Back when I weighed more than 300 pounds, a co-worker made a joke about singer Carnie Wilson, who also was more than 300 pounds. The comment hurt me deeply, because it was like he was joking about me.

Then I lost the weight. And so did Carnie Wilson, though she did it through gastric bypass surgery. But it was interesting that we were 300 pounds at the same time, and also 150-pounds thinner at the same time.

Our similarities continue today, as I saw when I read an article in People magazine last night before bed. But instead of feeling, "huh, interesting," the article made me fall into a very deep depression as I fell asleep. Why? Because at 5'3" (like me) and 218 pounds (practically me), Dr. Oz diagnosed her as "morbidly obese." Which means I am, too. I truly, truly thought I left that label a long time ago and I truly, truly thought I would never go back. I knew I was obese again, but morbidly? How in the world did I do this to myself?

It doesn't help that this weight-loss seems impossibly slow. Not so much the pounds, but the fact that NOTHING fits any better. Nearly six weeks of being so good and my jeans are as tight as they were in December? Really?

It's this kind of news, all around, that makes me want to - instead of work harder to get rid of that label once and for all - EAT. Eat myself into oblivion. Eat because what's the point? Eat because, apparently, no matter how hard I work, I'll likely be faced with this label again and again in my life.

So this weekend (Sunday/Monday, my days off), will be quite the challenge for me. Fight this depression. Fight these feelings of worthlessness. Fight my instinctive urge to eat my way through the kitchen.

Fight like hell.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

A beautiful day for a run

It really is nice outside, and with the forecast looking not-so-hot in the next week, I made myself get outside and soak in that sun. It was 45 degrees but quite perfect for running.

And it was a great run....probably the best one I've had in way more than a month. It was a three-miler and my shin felt just fine, and I was able to end it really strong b/c a great song came on my iPod that had a perfect rhythm of an 11-minute-a-mile pace. So the last quarter mile felt awesome. It's been awhile since I could run that pace.

It was still a pathetic time, and nowhere near close to where I used to be, but I can see progress being made and that thrills me.

I'm also thrilled to say that I still haven't eaten one morsel of bad food in these 5.5 weeks, and it feels really good.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Valentine's Day is a holiday I associate with food. And it's not because of the chocolate, per se, though in my past, I have been known to buy myself a heart-shaped box and consume every little morsel inside.

I associate it with food because food was how I coped with loneliness for so many years.

I very clearly recall Valentine's Day 1990: I was a freshman in high school and my mom and her soon-to-be-fiance were going out to celebrate the holiday. I was to be left home alone. So to appease me, they brought me two Speedy Burgers (it was a heavenly fast-food place in Jacksonville, N.C., back in the day) and fries. Not just one burger. But two. And I ate away my loneliness.

I also recall Valentine's Day 1994: I was a freshman in college and my roommate wanted the room to herself so she and her boyfriend could "celebrate." I was sent to the ninth-floor lounge to watch TV, but to make the experience tolerable, my roommate brought me Ben & Jerry's. I even remember the flavor: Chocolate Fudge Brownie Frozen Yogurt. Again, I ate away my loneliness to the bottom of the pint.

When I started my big weight-loss effort in 2003, I remember the hardest part was being tempted by all the Valentine's Day candy in the stores. But I made it through Valentine's Day 2003 and 2004 and 2005 like a pro. No more shoving in food to fill the loneliness.

Until 2006, 2007, 2008 and 2009.

This Valentine's Day, 2010, I will be faced with typical temptations - including the stupid cupcakes offered at the race on Saturday. But I'm determined to make this a V-as-in-Victory Day, perhaps I can even make it my own V-E Day (as in Victory over Eating).

I realize the weight isn't coming off as fast as I'd like - probably b/c my jobs seem to keep me glued to a chair for, like, 12 hours a day or more - but at the very least, I know I'm taking myself in the right direction, finally.

It's a small victory for me.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Week 5 weigh-in

Beginning weight: 216
Last week's weight: 206
This week's weight: 205
This week's loss: 1 pound

Total loss: 11 pounds
Left to lose: 39 pounds


Sunday, February 7, 2010


By "Something" I mean, "that's something!" And by that I mean, I completed 8 miles today, and I ran much more than I have in the past two or three weeks. So -- that's something!

It was hard. I am so out of shape, and the shin did bug me some of the time. But I impressed myself with my dedication: Around Mile 3, I had -- funny enough on Super Bowl Sunday -- a wardrobe malfunction. I won't go into specifics, but it involved a lot of chafing that was going to curtail my run. I was trying to figure out what to do (go home, fix my pants and return later? just run long tomorrow?) but none of my options were desirable. So I came up with a solution that surprisingly worked. I took off one of my gloves and placed it strategically and....kept on running. I was pretty proud that I didn't let it stop me.

Was that too much information? Sorry!

I'm still really worried about Saturday's race but am trying not to care too much.The race Web site contradicts itself a bit: It says it welcomes walkers, but it also gives a time limit of 15-minute miles. I did about that today, but a little over. Oh well. We'll just take it mile by mile and see what happens.

There was a point in the mileage where I was just too tired to run and it got me thinking about last summer. Today, I was out for two hours. Last summer, there were days I was out for FIVE HOURS. I sure hope I can get back to that level of fitness.

OK, I've got a ton of proofing to do tonight, so I better get back to it. Luckily, you can't eat and proof at the same time. I wouldn't want Random House to get back pages covered with orange fingerprints from my Cheddar Cheese Baked Lays!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Another snow day, another round of pizza

My weakness! And it's coming again! And on a day when I'm moody and frustrated and wanting to eat!

Everyone's talking about the warm, yummy pies that will be arriving at work within the hour. I brought a Subway sandwich, and will stick with it, though I really will want that pizza.


OMG P.S. The smell of warm blueberry muffins has just wafted toward me and has enveloped me and I can't stop the smell. A co-worker's wife just brought them in. They're literally steaming hot. With butter. I don't think any temptation has been worse so far. The smell is so good!

Oh, and the race I'll be doing (i.e. walking) next Saturday is serving cupcakes at mile 6 and other treats at the end. Luckily, I typically have no appetite for such things during a race, though...come on...cupcakes?!

Friday, February 5, 2010


At myself. At my lack of progress. At the weather. At my inability to exercise.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Nice to see you, sun

I was able to get out for a nice 4-mile walk today with my friend Laura. We had to dodge some ice- and snow-covered spots, but it wasn't too bad. By the time we got home, I could see the sun peeking through the clouds, a wonderful sight!

We ran two tiny bursts -- both of us were suffering tight shins -- and while it was mostly a walk, it was so nice to get outside again. I was going to wait to go out again Friday, but I may try tomorrow, as the forecast has a sun as tomorrow's icon and more stupid raindrips/snowflakes Friday and Saturday.

I'm proud to say I have still managed to go this whole time without eating one bad thing, and it's getting easier. Still -- and I know I keep saying this -- I really, really need to start upping my exercise. I fear the next two weeks will be light on it, though, as I have a book to proof and I'm already behind. I just have to do what I can and remember I'm in no rush to lose weight (though in my head I am!!).

Still feeling no difference in my clothes, but I hope to feel better in general tomorrow when I get my hair cut and colored. I've been looking rather rough lately, and it's time to spruce up!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Week 4 weigh-in

Beginning weight: 216
Last week's weight: 208
This week's weight: 206
This week's loss: 2 pounds

Total loss: 10 pounds
Left to lose: 40 pounds

Woo-hoo! I was so worried last Friday when I stepped on the scale and it suggested I was back to 210. Today, when I stepped on, I saw it jump to one of the big points, which I assumed was the 210-point mark, and I wanted to kick myself. Then I looked closer and it was at the 205 mark! Well, more like 206.

So I'll take it!

That's 10 pounds in a month, and while I'm frustrated at myself for still being over 200, I know I'm making progress and just need to remain patient.

I had yet ANOTHER eating dream last night, but I can't recall what food it was. I just remember the frustration at "cheating."

So, with regard to the scale: I will probably purchase a new one soon. I bought a digital scale a few years back, but every time I stepped on it, it gave me a different number. Like four times in a row different. So I ditched it and went back to my dial scale, because at least it was consistent. A friend recently passed along a Consumer Reports story on scales, which suggested the Taylor Glass Electronic Scale as being the most accurate. I am going to try to buy it as soon as this snow melts and I feel comfortable going out. But beware: It means my weight will likely jump back up. Maybe I'll wait till NEXT YEAR'S snow melts! Hee hee.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Please melt already!

The snow was pretty on Saturday. Even on Sunday. Perhaps today. But, really, it has to melt already. I need to go running outside. And right now that's not possible.

Today, I did get exercise, however. In fact, according to most calorie counters, I burned like 1,200 calories. Doing what you ask? Shoveling snow. And ice. My back is killing me -- I've had heat on it ever since -- but it was good to do something. And I was able to partially clear the driveway, though probably not enough to actually get out.

At least my arm feels better. For the longest time I couldn't even type....