2013/2003: Week 12

In my quest to re-lose the weight I took off in 2003-2005, I've decided to document each week, comparing life now (first post) with life 10 years ago (second post). My hope is that I can find the momentum that carried me through those two years by looking at what worked for me then.

WEEK 12: 2013 
Beginning Weight: 264.6
Last week's weight: 246.4
This week's weight: 248.2
Week 12's weight loss: +1.8
Total weight loss: 16.4

I love spring. I love feeling the sun. I love the warmer weather.

But with spring comes something that terrifies me: fewer ways to hide.

As the weather warms, it's harder for me to the leave the house to go running. I can't throw on that big fleece jacket. So I leave the house in my awkwardly fitting running clothes that make my big body look even bigger, and I keep my eyes on the ground so I can't see how others react to my grossness.

On Friday, I hurried home to change my clothes and head out the door for the 5K.  I had little time to pause, but, still, as I got ready to leave, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My arm fat crept out from the short-sleeved running shirt. My calves looked swollen. The shape of my belly was visible through the tech tee. And for half a second, I considered staying home so no one would have to see "this."

But I went. And as I gathered with all the runners, my eyes on the ground, I felt out of place. "One of these things is not like the other."

I'm trying to fight these feelings of inadequacy, but they tend to take over and suffocate me. Like on Sunday. My goal was 10 miles. I could barely pick up my feet and, defeated, only walked 6. On the way home, train after train was filled with runners in their Cherry Blossom 10-miler bibs. All I could see when I looked at them was what I wasn't.

But instead of using all of this as incentive, I caved into self-sabotage -- again. I ate two big cookies on Friday and two on Monday. I ate bread. A half a soft pretzel. And more candy. Thankfully, I didn't completely throw my hands up in the air and order a pizza like I was tempted to do. But the damage was still great.

It probably explains why Sunday's "run" was so bad. Because I felt so guilty about eating crap, I didn't eat much else. So no protein. No healthy carbs. Of course I didn't have the proper fuel to run.

This new weight-loss journey is not going as well as I'd hoped, but I still take a little pride in the fact that I'm still here. Still writing. Still trying. Still hoping that, one day, I can get it right.

Week 12: 2003
Beginning Weight: 317
Last week's weight: 283.6
This week's weight: 283.2
Week 12's weight loss: 0.4
Total weight loss: 33.8

Published: 04/29/2003
I woke up before my alarm went off Monday morning – so I was ready, and waiting, when the beep-beep-beep marked 6:30 a.m.

I was slow, though, getting my walking shoes on. I sat on the edge of the bed and looked around the room, searching for something to delay my morning walk.

My eyes fell on a stack of photos on my desk – set aside for their eventual filing into a photo album. I grabbed the stack and started flipping through it.

A few of the photos were from a trip I took last March to see my sister in New York. There we were, posing with my favorite Broadway actor, Brian Stokes Mitchell. My eyes settled on his handsome face and wide smile – and then they sharply landed on my wide face, double chin and matted-down hair (from having been profusely sweating in the theater).

The next few photos were from a family vacation last summer in Pittsburgh where, on one day, we visited Kennywood amusement park. The camera had captured pictures of my sister and mom riding the Ferris wheel, roller coasters, anything that moved fast.

There were no pictures of me during that day in the park. I knew – from having learned the hard way – that I wouldn’t fit on those rides. My body had reached a point where it was too big for the belts or bars or straps. And forget about even riding on the merry-go-round – I wasn’t about to be seen climbing up (and climbing off) those horses.

Mixed in the stack of recent photographs was one from my sister’s wedding in 1995. It was a family portrait, and I was on the end, dressed in a blue bridesmaid’s gown. I was only a junior in college, but I was twice the size of the others.

I’m not one to shy away from cameras. I hate when people say “Don’t take my picture – I’m too fat” or “I’m not getting in that photo – I look awful,” because I know photos are important for history, for family, for memories.

So I bear with the camera – and hold my breath when the photos come back from the developer.

It was frustrating to see, as I sat on the edge of my bed Monday looking through those photos, what years of unhealthful living had done – what I had done to myself.

It was enough of a kick in the pants to get me outside, walking, walking toward a new (and more photogenic) life.

Have I got a recipe for you – a most wonderful, light summer dessert, compliments of my last Weight Watchers meeting. A big disclaimer, though: Make sure you portion the dish into little one-cup containers. You don’t want to sit down with a big bowl of fluff and find the whole thing gone by the first commercial break.

Fluff
1 can crushed pineapple (with juice)
1 cup mandarin oranges (with juice)
1 (8-ounce) fat-free vanilla yogurt
1 (8-ounce) fat-free Cool Whip
1 box instant fat-free sugar-free white chocolate OR vanilla pudding
Dump all of it in a bowl. Mix. Refrigerate.
One cup equals one point.