Still, if I don't start over and try again, I'm guaranteed to fail. Each time I return, I at least have a glimmer of hope that I can face my demons and win.
Today is the start of two things for me: One, I'm back to ordering the healthy, prepared (and mostly gluten-free) food that's delivered twice a week to my home. I spent the first three months of this year working crazy hours to complete some big freelance projects, and I figured that money could best be spent with two months of healthy eating. I'll start with two, and if the freelance work keeps coming, I'll continue as long as I can afford to.
Also, today begins a month of five 5Ks -- the return of 5K Fridays in Crystal City and another one on a Sunday (if you recall from last year, this was to be the 10-miler I did, but I am in no shape to take that on this year, so I downgraded to the 5K). I'm very, very anxious about these. For awhile I was successful at getting out and walking, but this winter -- and the depression that came along for the ride -- completely derailed me. I will be going to tonight's 5K completely unprepared. I will have to walk this first one. I will likely be last. But it's something to get me out of this house and to get re-energized. At least, I hope it does that for me.
Last weekend, I had a horrifying experience when I saw myself in a group photo. I had gone down to North Carolina for a quick trip to see some friends, and seeing this photo caused me tremendous pain. It's embarrassing. Appalling. And, sadly, seconds after it was taken and I saw the result, it caused me to bow my head and feel immense sadness for the rest of the trip. I will post it here now. To hold myself accountable. All I can say is I'm sorry I let myself get this bad.
A friend of mine at this dinner noticed my depressed state and sent me some daily prayers for Lent.
This was the start of today's reflection: "There is always a chance to start again, and to return to life."
And for that I am grateful.