Friday, December 14, 2012


I wanted to run today.

Not just run. But RUN. Run away from the news and the tweets and the horrific world we live in. If I didn't weigh so much, I would have taken off and just run until I had nothing left in me.

Today obviously didn't turn out as planned. I got next to nothing done in my proofreading assignment and took a very long nap to avoid reading more about the Connecticut school shootings. When I awoke, I turned the TV on -- something I had managed to avoid all day -- saw perhaps one minute of CNN, turned it off and felt like I was having a panic attack. I couldn't breathe. I thought about going back to bed (my main way, along with food, of avoiding life), but that made me feel just as anxious.

All I wanted to do was run.

Run like I'd never run before. Run until every emotion inside me was stomped out into the pavement.

But weighing 250 pounds, I could only run that way in my mind. And so I ran that way in my mind.

I also went down to my apartment building's gym and walked/jogged for an hour. I turned my iPod up loud, avoided all sad songs and blasted meaningless words into my ears. It had nothing to do with fitness or weight loss. I had to find some way to release this pain.

I did not, however, eat junk. There was a moment when I was tempted to say "screw it -- what's the point?" But what was that going to do for me? I'd still feel devastated and anxious but I'd also feel disappointed in myself and I do not need that right now. So, no. I didn't feed my sadness. Not today.

More avoidance
I am a journalist and have been since 1995. I've covered horrific things that will forever be a part of me. But this. This is unfathomable. And even now as I type this, my heart is beating harder and I'm trying to catch my breath. I can't read about it anymore. I certainly can't watch the news. And forget about talking about it. My mom started to say something about it on the phone and I had to tell her to stop. My heart can't take it. And my mind has had to shut the door as a matter of self-preservation.

I know I can't escape this forever. I go back to work Sunday, where I'll have to read the news and look at photographs as a part of my job.

But right now, I 'll avoid.

And pray.

No comments:

Post a Comment