Thursday, May 26, 2011

My life is a joke

Not to be a complete downer, but, really, my life is a joke.

For five months, I've gone to Power Cut classes religiously, squatted and lifted and lunged for hours, and yet I look in the mirror and see the same girl who arrived in January.

I weighed 218.8 on Saturday - a frustrating number b/c it didn't drop an ounce even after a perfect diet week - and by Monday, after a few slips Sunday, I weighed 220. Perfect Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and the scale hasn't moved.

While in Power Cut on Tuesday, I spent the first half hour wondering why I was still there and if it really mattered. Of course, it was an extra- hard class (I get the feeling she's trying to weed people out), but watching myself in the mirror was very frustrating. Shouldn't I look at least a little different by now? Shouldn't the pants I wore in January be at least a little freakin' looser?

Then I attempted a run after class - for the first time in nearly a month. I have been trying so hard to get rid of these shin splints, doing all of my exercises and laying off the running, instead walking. I did three small bursts (0.35 mile) of running during my three miles, and by the end felt just fine. I was pretty happy, though still a little scared about Saturday's 10K.

One day later, a muscle behind my knee hurts when I move my leg.

Do you see the theme? I'm a joke.

There's one thing I do wonder about: sitting. Yesterday, because of an extremely hard shift (and they're more common these days), I never left my desk from 5 p.m. to 2 a.m. I'm not kidding. I never went to the bathroom (no problem b/c I hardly drank from my water bottle b/c I didn't have time). I never heated up my dinner (skipped it b/c I didn't have time). You've got to wonder what this does to a body. I've read the reports, and now I'm living the reports.

Anyway, it's pretty clear that I'm not a typical woman trying to lose weight. This blog isn't going to help anyone in that regard. So once again, I'm ending it. I hope to write when I have some running news - that's what this blog was created for anyway. But right now, I can't keep pretending I know what I'm doing. I'm not quitting Weight Watchers. I'm never going to quit trying. But when I report that I'm the same weight week after week, I feel like a failure over and over.

Take care ---


  1. oh no! I'm going to miss the blog. You'll get there, D.

  2. I'll miss your blog too, but do what you gotta do to feel good! Sounds like the stress may be hurting you even more than the sitting.

  3. I'll miss your blog three, but I can get why it's not helping you.

    Good luck, and you're not a joke to me!

  4. You are not a joke!!!! You are still an inspiration to me. And I can sympathize with your struggles right now. But you should do whatever you think will help. You deserve to feel good about yourself.

  5. You are my companion in struggle.