In my quest to re-lose the weight I took off in 2003-2005, I've decided to document each week, comparing life now (first post) with life 10 years ago (second post). My hope is that I can find the momentum that carried me through those two years by looking at what worked for me then.
WEEK 5: 2013
Beginning Weight: 264.6
Last week's weight: 252.6
This week's weight: 252.6
Week 5's weight loss: 0
Total weight loss: 12
I'm more than upset right now. Typically, when I don't lose weight or I gain, I can point to reasons why. I haven't exercised or I snacked more than I should have. But that's not the case here. Or is it? I did buy some nuts on Sunday and had a serving or two. And I probably had too many Diet Cokes last week and not enough water. And technically I only exercised three times since the last weigh-in (two 3-milers, one 6-miler).
Oh the second-guessing and frustration caused by the damn scale.
Furious and slapping together this blog post with angry typing fingers, I had to laugh (though it was the sarcastic laugh) when I saw the 2003 post.
Ah, perspective.
WEEK 5: 2003
Beginning Weight: 317
Last week's weight: 298.4
This week's weight: 299.6
Week 5's weight loss: +1.2
Total weight loss: 17.4
Published: 03/11/2003
Yes, you’re reading that number right – I am 1.2 pounds heavier than last week. And believe me, seeing that weight gain written in ink on my chart was heartbreaking.
No, I didn’t eat pie or pizza or indulge in anything bad. I think that’s what made it feel worse.
No matter what I heard this week – reminders that there will always be weight fluctuations, that my body could be experiencing a plateau, that I had been losing too much and my body’s trying to hold on – I still felt like I had failed.
As a result, I didn’t walk. I entered that “why bother?” phase. I cursed my fat body in the mirror.
I know I’m doing good – the proof is in how my eating habits have changed, how the pizza man no longer makes weekly trips to my home, how I’m saving money by not stopping for take-out lunches, dinners, midnight snacks.
At the same time, I worry that this bump in the road will make me regress.
I’ve got to stop that from happening.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Hunger
I don't know if it has anything to do with running again or stress or a three-day weekend, but all I want to do is eat. And preferably a cupcake or something sweet. The desire is so strong, it's disturbing my concentration.
I (foolishly) thought I had already (it's only been a month) reached that point where I was immune to cravings of bad food. My preplanned meals were filling me up and I stuck to my schedule of eating them and nothing else. I had no desire to eat what others were eating in front of me. I had crossed over!
Or so I thought.
No, the cravings hit some time earlier this week. I found myself noticeably hungrier after my Monday and Tuesday runs. And yesterday and today, all I could think about is food (and not the kale/carrot combo on the menu for dinner).
Luckily I have fought the urges. Honestly, this meal-delivery service has helped a lot in that regard. Not just because I only eat what they give me and nothing more. But, because it's so costly, I refuse to buy other food -- and I refuse to do anything (like eat a cupcake) that will make that money go to waste.
I know how lucky I am to have this available where I live, and that I have the money to buy it. And I know by doing this, it makes me much less relatable to others in my situation. One of the hardest things about dieting is the buying, preparing, thinking about food. And I've been able to eliminate those hardships.
But if I'm to succeed right now -- at a time in my life where work is all-consuming and me-time is nearly nonexistent -- I know it's something I need to do. I know it's not a permanent solution. I will eventually need to figure out how to eat healthful foods while living a busy life. Why does it have to be so hard?
I am facing two challenges coming up: back-to-back weekends where I'm going out of town and will likely pause the food delivery. My hope is that the patterns I've established this past month will travel with me.
I (foolishly) thought I had already (it's only been a month) reached that point where I was immune to cravings of bad food. My preplanned meals were filling me up and I stuck to my schedule of eating them and nothing else. I had no desire to eat what others were eating in front of me. I had crossed over!
Or so I thought.
No, the cravings hit some time earlier this week. I found myself noticeably hungrier after my Monday and Tuesday runs. And yesterday and today, all I could think about is food (and not the kale/carrot combo on the menu for dinner).
Luckily I have fought the urges. Honestly, this meal-delivery service has helped a lot in that regard. Not just because I only eat what they give me and nothing more. But, because it's so costly, I refuse to buy other food -- and I refuse to do anything (like eat a cupcake) that will make that money go to waste.
I know how lucky I am to have this available where I live, and that I have the money to buy it. And I know by doing this, it makes me much less relatable to others in my situation. One of the hardest things about dieting is the buying, preparing, thinking about food. And I've been able to eliminate those hardships.
But if I'm to succeed right now -- at a time in my life where work is all-consuming and me-time is nearly nonexistent -- I know it's something I need to do. I know it's not a permanent solution. I will eventually need to figure out how to eat healthful foods while living a busy life. Why does it have to be so hard?
I am facing two challenges coming up: back-to-back weekends where I'm going out of town and will likely pause the food delivery. My hope is that the patterns I've established this past month will travel with me.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
2013/2003: Week 4
In my quest to re-lose the weight I took off in 2003-2005, I've decided to document each week, comparing life now (first post) with life 10 years ago (second post). My hope is that I can find the momentum that carried me through those two years by looking at what worked for me then.
WEEK 4: 2013
Beginning Weight: 264.6
Last week's weight: 254.4
This week's weight: 252.6
Week 4's weight loss: 1.8
Total weight loss: 12
I suppose I should celebrate if for no other reason than I've made it a month! For me, that's a big accomplishment, as I've struggled so much this past year to stay on track for even a day at a time. Slowly but surely, old habits are falling away, and I'm getting into a routine.
This past weekend, I did something that could be considered foolish or brave: I signed up for a half marathon. And I weigh 250 pounds. And during my last half marathon, I weighed 235 and it still just about killed me. BUT having this event on the calendar -- a "destination" race in Delaware in May with a good friend, and a race with no time limit -- is giving me the much-needed kick in the pants to start walking/running again.
My first day back was Monday and I was out again this morning. Three miles each time, both using the walk/run strategy that I hope will keep me healthy. And since it's been a long time since I've been out there, I am starting off by walking more than running. I do the 3/2 routine: alternating 3 minutes of walking with 2 minutes of running.
I am still fretting about my work schedule and if I'll have time to exercise AND finish the work I have to do this month. I even had a small moment of panic this weekend when I realized how difficult it was going to be. But I made the decision Saturday night to recommit to my strict schedule of sleep/run/work/30-min break/work/sleep. And I decided that the running part would not be the first thing to go when things get tough.
It was funny, then, to read this morning my weight update from 2003, when I wrote, "No matter the work I have facing me at the office, I’ve committed myself, once more, to getting in that daily walk."
2013 Diana is really starting to get in sync with 2003 Diana.
Getting back into an exercise routine has already proved beneficial: During my walk/run this morning, I was thinking about what I was going to wear today. I wanted to look nice. For no reason.
Taking care of yourself really does translate into better living and a better attitude.
WEEK 4: 2003
Beginning Weight: 317
Last week's weight: 303.2
This week's weight: 298.4
Week 4's weight loss: 4.8
Total weight loss: 18.6
Published: 03/04/2003
I am an emotional eater.
My life is filled with the patterns of an emotional eater. No matter the problem – lousy day at work, feeling alone, having trouble with finances – each carries with it the images of the ice cream, the pizza, the chips bleeping across the grocery store scanner.
I stuffed the food in my mouth to numb the rest. I tried to fill the emptiness – and in doing so became the obese woman I am today.
My patterns, my history, my habits have been in the forefront of my mind this week as I’ve struggled through a series of hard events: personal illness, work stress and, most recently, my mother’s hospitalization.
When all is good with the world, eating well and exercising daily is not a problem. But when the stress builds, all of a sudden, I feel a hunger I hadn’t felt before. It’s a hunger that craves the bad stuff. It’s a hunger that screams, “Eat and you’ll feel better. Fill the emptiness with food.”
It was enlightening to feel that hunger last week and know that it was not true hunger – it simply was my body trying to cope with bad news the way it has done for 28 years.I’m happy to say I didn’t give in.
I had to work at it, though. Whenever I felt like giving in and grabbing a slice of cake or fast food, I had to repeat a question to myself: “Then what?” I had to ask myself, after you eat that food you’re craving, when the last crumb is gone, then what? What will you have left? You’ll have nothing to show for that five minutes of bingeing other than regret. Is it worth it?
For people who have never struggled with weight, it may be hard to understand why a person needs to question – and reconsider – every piece of food they pick up. But it’s a battle I must constantly fight. The self-questioning is a part of that. And it has helped me stay on track.
I’m taking it one day at a time.
My mom, thankfully, is out of the hospital. My cold is on its way out. And no matter the work I have facing me at the office, I’ve committed myself, once more, to getting in that daily walk.
This week, I’m happy to report, I lost an additional 4.8 pounds – and I’m a mere 1.6 away from my first goal of 20 pounds.
A few things have helped keep me on track – they’re not golden nuggets by any means, but they’ve helped me:
FROZEN YOGURT: No, not that commercial stuff. Just take some grocery store fat-free yogurt (I’m in love with lemon chiffon) and plop it in the freezer overnight. Let it defrost about 30-40 minutes, and it’s heavenly. Same with frozen grapes. Yum.
HOT TEA: When going out for “coffee” with a friend, I remembered that it wouldn’t be wise to have a double mocha latte (or even a skinny one). So I ordered some caffeine-free hot tea, and it was perfect. Bonus: It was a great way to end a day and is soothing to the stomach.
RAW SPINACH: I’m not much of a salad person (I just don’t have time to chop all that stuff up), but I love filling a bowl with raw baby spinach and tossing it with a tablespoon of low-fat dressing. It’s a great way to get in those veggies.
SUPPORT SYSTEM: I used to be one of those people who thought she didn’t need anyone to help her lose weight – in fact, I hated people bothering me about it. I’ve since learned (from our readers) that surrounding yourself with people who support you and encourage you is golden.
THAT SHIRT/SKIRT THAT DOESN’T FIT: I love trying on clothes now – just to see if they fit a little better. It can be frustrating, yes. But slowly but surely, that outfit’s gonna fit.
A GOOD BOOK: Instead of watching TV to unwind (which may cause unnecessary snacking), I’ve found that going into my bedroom to read is a much better substitute.
INCENTIVES: Each week at the grocery store, I buy myself a bouquet of flowers for my dining room table. When I hit 20 pounds of weight loss, I’m treating myself to a facial. At 30, well, who knows? I’ll find something great to shoot for. It’s so important to reward yourself – and with something other than food.
WEEK 4: 2013
Beginning Weight: 264.6
Last week's weight: 254.4
This week's weight: 252.6
Week 4's weight loss: 1.8
Total weight loss: 12
I suppose I should celebrate if for no other reason than I've made it a month! For me, that's a big accomplishment, as I've struggled so much this past year to stay on track for even a day at a time. Slowly but surely, old habits are falling away, and I'm getting into a routine.
This past weekend, I did something that could be considered foolish or brave: I signed up for a half marathon. And I weigh 250 pounds. And during my last half marathon, I weighed 235 and it still just about killed me. BUT having this event on the calendar -- a "destination" race in Delaware in May with a good friend, and a race with no time limit -- is giving me the much-needed kick in the pants to start walking/running again.
My first day back was Monday and I was out again this morning. Three miles each time, both using the walk/run strategy that I hope will keep me healthy. And since it's been a long time since I've been out there, I am starting off by walking more than running. I do the 3/2 routine: alternating 3 minutes of walking with 2 minutes of running.
I am still fretting about my work schedule and if I'll have time to exercise AND finish the work I have to do this month. I even had a small moment of panic this weekend when I realized how difficult it was going to be. But I made the decision Saturday night to recommit to my strict schedule of sleep/run/work/30-min break/work/sleep. And I decided that the running part would not be the first thing to go when things get tough.
It was funny, then, to read this morning my weight update from 2003, when I wrote, "No matter the work I have facing me at the office, I’ve committed myself, once more, to getting in that daily walk."
2013 Diana is really starting to get in sync with 2003 Diana.
Getting back into an exercise routine has already proved beneficial: During my walk/run this morning, I was thinking about what I was going to wear today. I wanted to look nice. For no reason.
Taking care of yourself really does translate into better living and a better attitude.
WEEK 4: 2003
Beginning Weight: 317
Last week's weight: 303.2
This week's weight: 298.4
Week 4's weight loss: 4.8
Total weight loss: 18.6
Published: 03/04/2003
I am an emotional eater.
My life is filled with the patterns of an emotional eater. No matter the problem – lousy day at work, feeling alone, having trouble with finances – each carries with it the images of the ice cream, the pizza, the chips bleeping across the grocery store scanner.
I stuffed the food in my mouth to numb the rest. I tried to fill the emptiness – and in doing so became the obese woman I am today.
My patterns, my history, my habits have been in the forefront of my mind this week as I’ve struggled through a series of hard events: personal illness, work stress and, most recently, my mother’s hospitalization.
When all is good with the world, eating well and exercising daily is not a problem. But when the stress builds, all of a sudden, I feel a hunger I hadn’t felt before. It’s a hunger that craves the bad stuff. It’s a hunger that screams, “Eat and you’ll feel better. Fill the emptiness with food.”
It was enlightening to feel that hunger last week and know that it was not true hunger – it simply was my body trying to cope with bad news the way it has done for 28 years.I’m happy to say I didn’t give in.
I had to work at it, though. Whenever I felt like giving in and grabbing a slice of cake or fast food, I had to repeat a question to myself: “Then what?” I had to ask myself, after you eat that food you’re craving, when the last crumb is gone, then what? What will you have left? You’ll have nothing to show for that five minutes of bingeing other than regret. Is it worth it?
For people who have never struggled with weight, it may be hard to understand why a person needs to question – and reconsider – every piece of food they pick up. But it’s a battle I must constantly fight. The self-questioning is a part of that. And it has helped me stay on track.
I’m taking it one day at a time.
My mom, thankfully, is out of the hospital. My cold is on its way out. And no matter the work I have facing me at the office, I’ve committed myself, once more, to getting in that daily walk.
This week, I’m happy to report, I lost an additional 4.8 pounds – and I’m a mere 1.6 away from my first goal of 20 pounds.
A few things have helped keep me on track – they’re not golden nuggets by any means, but they’ve helped me:
FROZEN YOGURT: No, not that commercial stuff. Just take some grocery store fat-free yogurt (I’m in love with lemon chiffon) and plop it in the freezer overnight. Let it defrost about 30-40 minutes, and it’s heavenly. Same with frozen grapes. Yum.
HOT TEA: When going out for “coffee” with a friend, I remembered that it wouldn’t be wise to have a double mocha latte (or even a skinny one). So I ordered some caffeine-free hot tea, and it was perfect. Bonus: It was a great way to end a day and is soothing to the stomach.
RAW SPINACH: I’m not much of a salad person (I just don’t have time to chop all that stuff up), but I love filling a bowl with raw baby spinach and tossing it with a tablespoon of low-fat dressing. It’s a great way to get in those veggies.
SUPPORT SYSTEM: I used to be one of those people who thought she didn’t need anyone to help her lose weight – in fact, I hated people bothering me about it. I’ve since learned (from our readers) that surrounding yourself with people who support you and encourage you is golden.
THAT SHIRT/SKIRT THAT DOESN’T FIT: I love trying on clothes now – just to see if they fit a little better. It can be frustrating, yes. But slowly but surely, that outfit’s gonna fit.
A GOOD BOOK: Instead of watching TV to unwind (which may cause unnecessary snacking), I’ve found that going into my bedroom to read is a much better substitute.
INCENTIVES: Each week at the grocery store, I buy myself a bouquet of flowers for my dining room table. When I hit 20 pounds of weight loss, I’m treating myself to a facial. At 30, well, who knows? I’ll find something great to shoot for. It’s so important to reward yourself – and with something other than food.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
2013/2003: Week 3
In my quest to re-lose the weight I took off in 2003-2005, I've decided to document each week, comparing life now (first post) with life 10 years ago (second post). My hope is that I can find the momentum that carried me through those two years by looking at what worked for me then.
WEEK 3: 2013
Beginning Weight: 264.6
Last week's weight: 255.4
This week's weight: 254.4
Week 3's weight loss: 1
Total weight loss: 10.2
When I started this whole "Let's compare life now with life 10 years ago" idea, thinking it would be great to mimic my weight loss from back then, I WASN'T hoping to mimic other aspects of my life. But here I am, in Week 3, sick. Week 3 in 2003? Sick.
Ah well, such is life in winter, I suppose.
My chest cold -- and the exhaustion it has brought -- has made it hard to exercise. I walked extra Metro stops only once in Week 3, and it was for just a mile. I've pretty much been horizontal in bed or at my desk working all week. Not a good thing for someone trying to lose weight.
And, hence, a mere 1 pound weight loss. I'm not happy. Twice this week I sat with groups of friends as they ate regular meals and I just sipped my Diet Coke and water. I even passed up the birthday cake at a friend's party. My eating has been perfect. But I know it's not enough. I know I've got to get moving.
Unfortunately, the exhaustion I've been feeling has been overwhelming. Perhaps working from 3:45 a.m. to 7 p.m. one day last week didn't help. But my workload this month isn't going to get any easier. And there are races I have signed up for that require actual training. How I will find the time for that, I do not know. No matter how many to-the-minute schedules I make for myself, I have yet to make it work.
I realize that something's got to give, and it's probably my second job, but because the second job is the one I love most, it's hard to just give it up. It's really the only place in my life where I feel proud of what I do and what I'm capable of. And I can't give that up. I might be less exhausted if I did, but I wouldn't be happier.
So. Keep up with the good eating. And hope I can figure out a way to make time for the obviously much-needed exercise.
WEEK 3: 2003
Beginning Weight: 317
Last week's weight: 306
This week's weight: 303.2
Week 3's weight loss: 2.8
Total weight loss: 13.8
Published: 02/25/2003
I was foolish this week.
WEEK 3: 2013
Beginning Weight: 264.6
Last week's weight: 255.4
This week's weight: 254.4
Week 3's weight loss: 1
Total weight loss: 10.2
When I started this whole "Let's compare life now with life 10 years ago" idea, thinking it would be great to mimic my weight loss from back then, I WASN'T hoping to mimic other aspects of my life. But here I am, in Week 3, sick. Week 3 in 2003? Sick.
Ah well, such is life in winter, I suppose.
My chest cold -- and the exhaustion it has brought -- has made it hard to exercise. I walked extra Metro stops only once in Week 3, and it was for just a mile. I've pretty much been horizontal in bed or at my desk working all week. Not a good thing for someone trying to lose weight.
And, hence, a mere 1 pound weight loss. I'm not happy. Twice this week I sat with groups of friends as they ate regular meals and I just sipped my Diet Coke and water. I even passed up the birthday cake at a friend's party. My eating has been perfect. But I know it's not enough. I know I've got to get moving.
Unfortunately, the exhaustion I've been feeling has been overwhelming. Perhaps working from 3:45 a.m. to 7 p.m. one day last week didn't help. But my workload this month isn't going to get any easier. And there are races I have signed up for that require actual training. How I will find the time for that, I do not know. No matter how many to-the-minute schedules I make for myself, I have yet to make it work.
I realize that something's got to give, and it's probably my second job, but because the second job is the one I love most, it's hard to just give it up. It's really the only place in my life where I feel proud of what I do and what I'm capable of. And I can't give that up. I might be less exhausted if I did, but I wouldn't be happier.
So. Keep up with the good eating. And hope I can figure out a way to make time for the obviously much-needed exercise.
WEEK 3: 2003
Beginning Weight: 317
Last week's weight: 306
This week's weight: 303.2
Week 3's weight loss: 2.8
Total weight loss: 13.8
Published: 02/25/2003
I was foolish this week.
I thought I had lost more weight than I had – then fell into a bit of a depression when I pulled out of my closet (and tried on) a brown blazer I hadn’t been able to button for about a year. Urrrrg! I still was far from fitting inside the bugger. I threw it to the floor (though I stopped myself from jumping up and down on it).
People keep asking me if I feel any different, if my clothes feel any better, but I haven’t been able to tell. While the dieting has gone very well (in three weeks, I’ve yet to eat more than I’m allotted), exercise is key and I haven’t been as good in that area.
The problem? Sheer exhaustion from work compounded with a new respiratory infection that makes it hard to breathe. I’m hoping to beat this illness soon – my goal is to be out walking again this morning and build myself back up.
To update you, I lost 2.8 pounds in Week 3. I just hope this newest curveball won’t keep me down.
Note: Just when I thought I was safe, having avoided the Valentine’s Day chocolate on the store shelves, I was greeted Sunday at Lowes Foods by a group of girls screaming “Want to buy some Girl Scout cookies?”
Normally, I would stop and purchase a few boxes, justifying it by “it’s charity. I have to support those cute little fund-raising scouts.” Instead, I offered a smile and a “Sorry, I can’t.”
Because I couldn’t.
Friday, February 1, 2013
She is Me
As I was walking out of my apartment today, I was happy to see a neighbor a few doors down leaving at the same time. I hadn't seen her since this summer, when we both were in the elevator, sweat already pouring down our faces -- despite still being in an air-conditioned building and it only being 10 a.m.
You see, she's like me. And I don't see many of us in this city.
I can tell by the way she carries herself, that she, too, is unhappy with her weight. But both times I've seen her, I've also been struck by how pretty she is and how nice she dresses.
Today, I held the elevator door for her while she put trash in the chute. As she hurried to the open door, she was breathing hard. "I have got to lose weight," she said. "It's killing me."
I imagine that she wouldn't normally say something like this to just anyone on an elevator. But she knew I understood. And I told her I did and mentioned something about stress and how it can really make it hard. She then said, "You ignore it for so long and it gets out of control."
Yes, yes it does.
I see her and I want to help. I want to help her. Because I already care about her, and my heart goes out to her and her struggles. But she is me. And why do I find it so much harder to help myself?
Until we learn to take care of ourselves, we can't genuinely help others. This self-analysis, self-help I'm going through right now seems very, er, selfish, but I know it's an important first step.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Put in My Place
In my quest to re-lose the weight I took off in 2003-2005, I've decided to document each week, comparing life now (first post) with life 10 years ago (second post). My hope is that I can find the momentum that carried me through those two years by looking at what worked for me then.
WEEK 2: 2013
Beginning Weight: 264.6
Last week's weight: 256.6
This week's weight: 255.4
Week 2's weight loss: 1.2
Total weight loss: 9.2
I admit, I'm disappointed. When you weigh this much and then start eating massive amounts of fresh vegetables and only healthy, low-glycemic index foods, you just think, "Of course the weight will fall off." But it's not falling off. And this, my friends, is why I have a weight problem. I'm impatient and prone to giving up and giving in.
BUT.
But it's funny that 2003 Diana (see below) came to the rescue this morning. After shouting "seriously? come on!" at the scale and prepping this blog post, I read 2003's Week 2. And was put in my place very quickly.
Because, yes, I've eaten very, very well this week, never once straying. But did I exercise enough? No. I fast-walked 5.3 miles on Sunday and did a 45-minute workout last night. But that's it. Compare that to 2003 me, who exercised five days that week.
And then there's this sentence I wrote 10 years ago in Week 2: "I fear those weeks when the scale doesn’t reflect my work – but I’m hoping to remain focused."
Did the scale reflect my work? Yeah, probably. Do I wish the weight-loss was more? Heck yeah. Do this week's results remind me to get moving more? Yep. Will I remain focused? Yes.
I admit there has been something holding me back from getting outside and walking/jogging/whatevering. I look horrible. I have few workout clothes that fit, and what does fit shows off bulges that disgust me. The time available for me to work out coincides with the beautiful D.C. crowd walking to the Metro. And when I picture myself outside huffing and puffing while looking like that, I just don't want to go.
Last night I somewhat overcame that fear by working out in my apartment building's gym. The people inside were all phenomenally fit (because, well, they work out). But I knew that if I continued to let fear stop me, I won't get where I need to be. So I went in. And worked out.
I felt great when I went to bed last night, having followed my diet, worked out (for the first time ever following a shift at work) and edited my goal number of pages. I felt so accomplished. I just knew I'd wake up at 8, ready to put my iPod on and head outside for a walk.
It's 8:49 and that hasn't happened yet. At this point, it probably won't.
I suppose I'm taking baby steps and have to forgive myself for not doing everything at once. But I also don't want to continue making excuses.
That will get me nowhere.
WEEK 2: 2003
Beginning Weight: 317
Last week's weight: 310.2
This week's weight: 306
Week 2's weight loss: 4.2
Total weight loss: 11
I was pretty shocked at losing 4.2 pounds this week – though I never faltered on my eating plan and walked five days, I really thought it would be harder to lose in the second week. I fear those weeks when the scale doesn’t reflect my work – but I’m hoping to remain focused.
WEEK 2: 2013
Beginning Weight: 264.6
Last week's weight: 256.6
This week's weight: 255.4
Week 2's weight loss: 1.2
Total weight loss: 9.2
I admit, I'm disappointed. When you weigh this much and then start eating massive amounts of fresh vegetables and only healthy, low-glycemic index foods, you just think, "Of course the weight will fall off." But it's not falling off. And this, my friends, is why I have a weight problem. I'm impatient and prone to giving up and giving in.
BUT.
But it's funny that 2003 Diana (see below) came to the rescue this morning. After shouting "seriously? come on!" at the scale and prepping this blog post, I read 2003's Week 2. And was put in my place very quickly.
Because, yes, I've eaten very, very well this week, never once straying. But did I exercise enough? No. I fast-walked 5.3 miles on Sunday and did a 45-minute workout last night. But that's it. Compare that to 2003 me, who exercised five days that week.
And then there's this sentence I wrote 10 years ago in Week 2: "I fear those weeks when the scale doesn’t reflect my work – but I’m hoping to remain focused."
Did the scale reflect my work? Yeah, probably. Do I wish the weight-loss was more? Heck yeah. Do this week's results remind me to get moving more? Yep. Will I remain focused? Yes.
I admit there has been something holding me back from getting outside and walking/jogging/whatevering. I look horrible. I have few workout clothes that fit, and what does fit shows off bulges that disgust me. The time available for me to work out coincides with the beautiful D.C. crowd walking to the Metro. And when I picture myself outside huffing and puffing while looking like that, I just don't want to go.
Last night I somewhat overcame that fear by working out in my apartment building's gym. The people inside were all phenomenally fit (because, well, they work out). But I knew that if I continued to let fear stop me, I won't get where I need to be. So I went in. And worked out.
I felt great when I went to bed last night, having followed my diet, worked out (for the first time ever following a shift at work) and edited my goal number of pages. I felt so accomplished. I just knew I'd wake up at 8, ready to put my iPod on and head outside for a walk.
It's 8:49 and that hasn't happened yet. At this point, it probably won't.
I suppose I'm taking baby steps and have to forgive myself for not doing everything at once. But I also don't want to continue making excuses.
That will get me nowhere.
WEEK 2: 2003
Beginning Weight: 317
Last week's weight: 310.2
This week's weight: 306
Week 2's weight loss: 4.2
Total weight loss: 11
I was pretty shocked at losing 4.2 pounds this week – though I never faltered on my eating plan and walked five days, I really thought it would be harder to lose in the second week. I fear those weeks when the scale doesn’t reflect my work – but I’m hoping to remain focused.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Now is the Time
I can't be sure, but I'd like to think this week and a half of very healthful eating has helped clear my head, helped improve my attitude, helped give me a little more energy.
Because I feel good right now. I've had some big bumps in the road over the past few days, but I'm handling them better than I typically do. And, at least at the moment, on this Saturday at 11 p.m., I feel calm and at peace.
If it's true that the diet is a factor, it's amazing how our minds and spirits react to bad foods versus good foods.
I think one reason I keep so busy is to avoid thinking about the bad stuff. Avoidance has been key in my life for as long as I can remember.
But this weekend, I've had small moments when I've thought -- "Why do you do [insert bad habit/behavior here]? What can you do about it? What kind of changes can you make to be a better person and someone people want to be around (not someone people avoid b/c of the negativity you exude)?
Last week, I had a moment when I asked a friend "Did so-and-so talk about me (at a recent gathering)?" She said no, but I didn't quite believe her. And then I realized: Are you doing something that makes you think they would be talking about you? And if the answer is yes, then you need to make changes to your life. If the answer is no, who cares? As long as you are happy with who you are, does it matter what other people say?
But I knew the answer was yes. That I have complained and whined and been a frustrating person to be around. For a long time now. And do I really want to continue down this path? Hell no.
So I need to make changes.
I need to be more disciplined in my life and make better use of my time, so I'm not as stressed. I need to give people the benefit of the doubt and remember that their lives are probably stressful too. But I also need to care about myself a whole lot more and remind myself that this moment will not come around again. Me living in D.C. with a slew of friends in the region. Me living in an area with running paths galore at my doorstep. Me relatively healthy and not tied to any one or any thing.
Now is the time.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
2003/2013: Week 1
In my quest to re-lose the weight I took off in 2003-2005, I've decided to document each week, comparing life now (first post) with life 10 years ago (second post). My hope is that I can find the momentum that carried me through those two years by looking at what worked for me then.
WEEK 1: 2013
(Beginning Weight: 264.6
Week 1 weight loss: 8 pounds)
The girl who used to be able to run 3 miles in 33 minutes has become the girl who can barely walk 1.5 miles in 33 minutes. Because of my stressful schedule and fear of running and hurting my joints at this high weight, I've been getting in my exercise by walking more between Metro stops. On a good day, I'll walk 1.5 miles on the way to work, then hop on Metro for the remainder, and walk 1 mile on my way home, then ride the rest.
On Sunday, during my 1.5-mile walk to the Courthouse Metro Station, I was passed by two little twiggies -- women dressed in black tights, neon-colored running shoes and bubble vest jackets. One's hair was long and blond and shiny. The other had her's pulled back into a bouncing ponytail. As they passed me by, I thought back to my Week 1 column from 2003 and how I was passed by a woman wearing jeans. This time, I told myself, being passed by these fit young women was natural -- of course people who weigh half of what you weigh can walk faster than you.
I kept up my "speed"-walking and kept my eye on the two, wondering how little time it would take until they were out of sight because they had gained so much distance on me. But then they turned around and walked back, and I breathed a sigh of relief that I'd never have to find out. Until.
Until I saw that one woman was texting while she walked.
So I was being outpaced by a woman who was walking while texting.
Sigh.
I got in the walking only three times this week -- though one day was a double-whammy of 1.5 miles to work and the entire 5.3 miles home. Yes, on a cold, dark night in D.C. I decided to walk home. And those 5.3 miles took me TWO HOURS.
But I did it and I'm glad I can say I did it. Perhaps the walking helped contribute to the weight-loss. Perhaps the excessive amounts of water I've had to drink helped. Perhaps the diet.
So what kind of diet am I following? It's not actually a diet, per se. Because of my lack of time to prepare food (which then leads me to eat crap) and because a lot of that lack of time is because of my freelance work (which I do not necessarily do for the money but because I love doing it), I decided to take the money from my last freelance job and order food from a place called Healthy Bites in D.C. It delivers (twice a week) breakfast/lunch/dinner/2 snacks that are fresh, contain local produce and are low on the glycemic index. It doesn't consider itself a weight-loss service but its meals are very healthy. And easy, which right now I need.
I'll continue using this service (or one of the other ones -- I'm lucky in that the D.C. area has a lot of options) while I have freelance work. And hopefully it will give me the jumpstart I need. When/if it comes to the point I can't afford it anymore, I'll rethink my plan.
So this past week I've eaten more vegetables than ever and lots of fruit, but also some healthy muffins and interesting foods I had never tried before: kale, coconut lentils, lots of quinoa, goat cheese polenta, etc.
I avoided weighing myself the whole week, so I wasn't sure if the program was going to be successful. I think the real test will be next Tuesday, as I have always been able to drop a lot the first week (water weight) and then it just....sticks.
I still need to find a way to handle the stress -- but I'm hoping, hoping, hoping that as soon as I can start running again, that will be a good outlet. I just pray I can get there.
WEEK 1: 2003
(Beginning Weight: 317
Week 1 weight loss: 6.8 pounds)
Sweat pouring down my face, my breath exhaling in short, hard puffs, I was hard at work –speed walking through my neighborhood with all the energy I could muster up.
Then, out of the blue, someone came up from behind and passed me. She was walking her dog. No, scratch that. She was taking her dog for a casual stroll.
And she passed me.
It’s humbling – to be out-walked by someone in jeans who appeared to be bored and didn’t have a drop of sweat on her face. But that’s what I’m facing these days – the early stages of a daily exercise routine.
Week 1 of this attempt at diet (er, healthy eating) and exercise produced great results – a loss of 6.8 pounds. It was thrilling to see those pounds vanish – though I’ve had to remind myself that the journey is a long one and each weekly weigh-in won’t continue to produce big drop-offs in weight.
But I do feel I’m on my way.
Week 1 wasn’t so bad. I walked nearly every day (minus a much needed Sunday rest) and ate what I should (though the intake of veggies wasn’t as high as it needs to be). I didn’t deprive myself of a night at a restaurant – a trip to Indochine – though I kept my portion of Pad Thai small and used chopsticks.
I won’t say it’s been easy. Trips to any store remind you of the approaching Valentine’s Day, which screams for me to buy an armful of chocolate. I won’t, though. I promise.
And there have been those mornings where hitting “snooze” seemed more desirable than hitting the pavement.
But something has kept me going. For one, I feel the support of strangers, friends and colleagues who have embraced this challenge of mine and who have offered their kind words and “you go, girl” encouragement. Who couldn’t succeed with the army of support behind you? And what a blessing that is.
Two – I’ve felt a little more at peace. My hope – in hindsight, actually – is that by having put the past on paper, by logging those failed attempts, those hurtful experiences, my fat history, I’m putting it to rest. I’m closing a book on the past. I’m moving forward with a new life and a new way of living.
Living, after all, is the key word.
WEEK 1: 2013
(Beginning Weight: 264.6
Week 1 weight loss: 8 pounds)
The girl who used to be able to run 3 miles in 33 minutes has become the girl who can barely walk 1.5 miles in 33 minutes. Because of my stressful schedule and fear of running and hurting my joints at this high weight, I've been getting in my exercise by walking more between Metro stops. On a good day, I'll walk 1.5 miles on the way to work, then hop on Metro for the remainder, and walk 1 mile on my way home, then ride the rest.
On Sunday, during my 1.5-mile walk to the Courthouse Metro Station, I was passed by two little twiggies -- women dressed in black tights, neon-colored running shoes and bubble vest jackets. One's hair was long and blond and shiny. The other had her's pulled back into a bouncing ponytail. As they passed me by, I thought back to my Week 1 column from 2003 and how I was passed by a woman wearing jeans. This time, I told myself, being passed by these fit young women was natural -- of course people who weigh half of what you weigh can walk faster than you.
I kept up my "speed"-walking and kept my eye on the two, wondering how little time it would take until they were out of sight because they had gained so much distance on me. But then they turned around and walked back, and I breathed a sigh of relief that I'd never have to find out. Until.
Until I saw that one woman was texting while she walked.
So I was being outpaced by a woman who was walking while texting.
Sigh.
I got in the walking only three times this week -- though one day was a double-whammy of 1.5 miles to work and the entire 5.3 miles home. Yes, on a cold, dark night in D.C. I decided to walk home. And those 5.3 miles took me TWO HOURS.
But I did it and I'm glad I can say I did it. Perhaps the walking helped contribute to the weight-loss. Perhaps the excessive amounts of water I've had to drink helped. Perhaps the diet.
So what kind of diet am I following? It's not actually a diet, per se. Because of my lack of time to prepare food (which then leads me to eat crap) and because a lot of that lack of time is because of my freelance work (which I do not necessarily do for the money but because I love doing it), I decided to take the money from my last freelance job and order food from a place called Healthy Bites in D.C. It delivers (twice a week) breakfast/lunch/dinner/2 snacks that are fresh, contain local produce and are low on the glycemic index. It doesn't consider itself a weight-loss service but its meals are very healthy. And easy, which right now I need.
I'll continue using this service (or one of the other ones -- I'm lucky in that the D.C. area has a lot of options) while I have freelance work. And hopefully it will give me the jumpstart I need. When/if it comes to the point I can't afford it anymore, I'll rethink my plan.
So this past week I've eaten more vegetables than ever and lots of fruit, but also some healthy muffins and interesting foods I had never tried before: kale, coconut lentils, lots of quinoa, goat cheese polenta, etc.
I avoided weighing myself the whole week, so I wasn't sure if the program was going to be successful. I think the real test will be next Tuesday, as I have always been able to drop a lot the first week (water weight) and then it just....sticks.
I still need to find a way to handle the stress -- but I'm hoping, hoping, hoping that as soon as I can start running again, that will be a good outlet. I just pray I can get there.
WEEK 1: 2003
(Beginning Weight: 317
Week 1 weight loss: 6.8 pounds)
Sweat pouring down my face, my breath exhaling in short, hard puffs, I was hard at work –
Then, out of the blue, someone came up from behind and passed me. She was walking her dog. No, scratch that. She was taking her dog for a casual stroll.
And she passed me.
It’s humbling – to be out-walked by someone in jeans who appeared to be bored and didn’t have a drop of sweat on her face. But that’s what I’m facing these days – the early stages of a daily exercise routine.
Week 1 of this attempt at diet (er, healthy eating) and exercise produced great results – a loss of 6.8 pounds. It was thrilling to see those pounds vanish – though I’ve had to remind myself that the journey is a long one and each weekly weigh-in won’t continue to produce big drop-offs in weight.
But I do feel I’m on my way.
Week 1 wasn’t so bad. I walked nearly every day (minus a much needed Sunday rest) and ate what I should (though the intake of veggies wasn’t as high as it needs to be). I didn’t deprive myself of a night at a restaurant – a trip to Indochine – though I kept my portion of Pad Thai small and used chopsticks.
I won’t say it’s been easy. Trips to any store remind you of the approaching Valentine’s Day, which screams for me to buy an armful of chocolate. I won’t, though. I promise.
And there have been those mornings where hitting “snooze” seemed more desirable than hitting the pavement.
But something has kept me going. For one, I feel the support of strangers, friends and colleagues who have embraced this challenge of mine and who have offered their kind words and “you go, girl” encouragement. Who couldn’t succeed with the army of support behind you? And what a blessing that is.
Two – I’ve felt a little more at peace. My hope – in hindsight, actually – is that by having put the past on paper, by logging those failed attempts, those hurtful experiences, my fat history, I’m putting it to rest. I’m closing a book on the past. I’m moving forward with a new life and a new way of living.
Living, after all, is the key word.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
10 Years
It's a weird feeling to go back 10 years and read correspondence from that time.
Today, I pulled out one of the many scrapbooks from my 2003-2005 Weight Watch newspaper series. And I read the emails and other letters that were sent to me after my very first column ran -- the one where I opened up about being morbidly obese and tired of being trapped in my body, the one where I announced I'd be devoting myself to 15 weeks of Weight Watchers and writing about my experience. As I read the letters of support, I was reminded of how lucky I was to have had that network of people cheering me on. I was also reminded of the variety of people who wrote -- some who had never had a weight problem but sympathized because they knew what it was like to struggle, some who were just like me and wanted to come along on my journey, a Catholic woman who sent my name to Carmelite nuns for prayers, the Italian American Society in Wilmington, the list goes on.
Reading their words today, I felt like those same people were helping me again, one decade later.
I wanted to reach out to some of them and thank them, see how they're doing. Others became so special to me, I am still in touch with them.
I credit them all with my weight-loss success. Without them, I don't believe I would have continued or fought as hard as I fought.
I also am embarrassed and ashamed that I failed them.
So I'm trying to re-read their words and remember what it felt like 10 years ago to be faced with this daunting task. I'm trying to remember how I did it and why I did it and what made me succeed. I'm trying to take their words to heart and pretend they're speaking to me in 2013.
Like I did in 2003, I have a long road ahead of me. And I have goals, although they have changed a bit. While I want to wear those fabulous (and perhaps outdated now) clothes from 2005, I also want to resume my running passion. That was something I couldn't have even dreamed of a decade ago.
And I'd like this blog to return to its original purpose -- training for the Marine Corps Marathon and writing about running.
Destination: Finish Line.
------------------
Published: 02/04/2003
People laugh when I tell them this, but I was prettiest at age 3. Look at my family photos from 1974 on and you’ll agree. I was a cute thing – curly brown hair, big brown eyes, small frame. Pretty.
You start seeing the “baby fat” in the kindergarten photos. And the third grade class photo – that’s where it becomes clear. I was a fat kid.
And I suffered the repercussions of being a fat kid. I was teased relentlessly on the school bus. I was teased in the lunchroom. I was teased in my neighborhood and in my own house.
I don’t remember all the names. But I remember the pain. It’s still inside me.
Clearest “fat joke” – and one that has stayed with me all these years – was when I was around 12. My parents were putting a second addition on our home in Pittsburgh, and the neighborhood kids were dying to see the inside of it. There wasn’t much to see – it was still in the early stages and there were only wooden beams up. But I sneaked them all upstairs and gave them a tour. We were in the front room looking out to the driveway, when my mom’s car pulled up. Everyone knew we’d be in big trouble if she caught us.
“She’s gonna have a cow,” one friend said.
“She already did!” another replied.
And they all laughed.
A cow. I know there are worse names to be called – because I’ve been called them – but for some reason, that moment sticks with me. Maybe it’s because it was funny. A good quip. And I would have laughed had I not been the butt of their joke.
Being a fat kid was hard. My parents and grandparents would bribe me to lose weight. In my fifth-grade autograph book are reminders of those bribes, friends wishing me luck dropping 20 pounds and reminding me I could be $50 richer if I did.
There was the boy who told me I’d be “dateable” if only I were thin. The friend who said she’d put a pillow under her bathing suit if it made me feel more comfortable during a summer swim.
The fat kid became the fat teenager, who, despite all the bribes in the world, all the teasing, all the diets, all the work, all the loneliness, became the fat college student and soon the fat 20-something.
And now I sit here, at my desk job at the Star-News, and I’m the fat newspaperwoman. Only, “fat” seems almost too kind. I’m obese. I’m a step beyond obese. And there’s no way to hide it (insert joke here).
While it was hard being a fat kid, it’s been harder being a fat adult.
While the daily teasing ended in adulthood, what’s considered “acceptable humor” continues. On one occasion, a colleague, sitting a foot away from me, made joke after joke to a laughing crowd about the pre-thin Carnie Wilson and how, before her gastric bypass surgery, she probably spent every waking minute at the grocery store. Another recently wrote about the overweight opera singer Luciano Pavarotti and how he’s shaped like a Volkswagen Beetle. The comments stung. They weren’t about me, but they were about me.
Last year, in Raleigh to pick up a newspaper writing award, I felt the sting again. I was feeling good – not only because it was a special occasion for me, but I had just started a diet, and I had made it a solid two weeks eating right and walking two miles a day. Sitting down in the auditorium, a colleague, who also has a weight problem, recommended us sitting apart from each other because, as he told me, “we both spill over into the next seat.”
The special occasion didn’t feel so special anymore.
I know what I am and what I’m not. And I know it’s ultimately up to me to decide what I want to be and how I want to react to the world.
I know I’m much more than the image that reflects in the mirror.
I also know I can’t fault people for how they feel about me – and my weight – because, in many cases, I only am what they see.
So I’ve tried to find ways to make it easier on the people around me. When I’m forced to fly on a plane, I make sure I drive to Raleigh’s airport (it tends to offer planes with just window seats, which guarantees no one will have to sit next to me). I don’t go on amusement park rides. I try to leave a seat empty between me and others, so as not to “spill over” on them.
But I’m tired.
I’m tired of being only 28 years old and avoiding society. And I’m tired of carrying this past with me wherever I go.I have tried and tried to start and get through diets or even healthier eating and daily exercise. I know what stops me is me. There always comes a point in the attempt where it just doesn’t seem worth it, where it seems it will never happen, so why bother?
I don’t want to be that person – not the person who gives up, not the person who gives up on herself.
So I’m going to try again. I’m going to devote myself to a 15-week program of diet and exercise – a la Weight Watchers – and see where it goes from there.
And each week, good or bad, I’ll share with you how it’s going.
Many will tell me it’s foolish to put myself “out there” for thousands of readers to see.
But hiding just isn’t an option.
Today, I pulled out one of the many scrapbooks from my 2003-2005 Weight Watch newspaper series. And I read the emails and other letters that were sent to me after my very first column ran -- the one where I opened up about being morbidly obese and tired of being trapped in my body, the one where I announced I'd be devoting myself to 15 weeks of Weight Watchers and writing about my experience. As I read the letters of support, I was reminded of how lucky I was to have had that network of people cheering me on. I was also reminded of the variety of people who wrote -- some who had never had a weight problem but sympathized because they knew what it was like to struggle, some who were just like me and wanted to come along on my journey, a Catholic woman who sent my name to Carmelite nuns for prayers, the Italian American Society in Wilmington, the list goes on.
Reading their words today, I felt like those same people were helping me again, one decade later.
I wanted to reach out to some of them and thank them, see how they're doing. Others became so special to me, I am still in touch with them.
I credit them all with my weight-loss success. Without them, I don't believe I would have continued or fought as hard as I fought.
I also am embarrassed and ashamed that I failed them.
So I'm trying to re-read their words and remember what it felt like 10 years ago to be faced with this daunting task. I'm trying to remember how I did it and why I did it and what made me succeed. I'm trying to take their words to heart and pretend they're speaking to me in 2013.
Like I did in 2003, I have a long road ahead of me. And I have goals, although they have changed a bit. While I want to wear those fabulous (and perhaps outdated now) clothes from 2005, I also want to resume my running passion. That was something I couldn't have even dreamed of a decade ago.
And I'd like this blog to return to its original purpose -- training for the Marine Corps Marathon and writing about running.
Destination: Finish Line.
------------------
Published: 02/04/2003
People laugh when I tell them this, but I was prettiest at age 3. Look at my family photos from 1974 on and you’ll agree. I was a cute thing – curly brown hair, big brown eyes, small frame. Pretty.
You start seeing the “baby fat” in the kindergarten photos. And the third grade class photo – that’s where it becomes clear. I was a fat kid.
And I suffered the repercussions of being a fat kid. I was teased relentlessly on the school bus. I was teased in the lunchroom. I was teased in my neighborhood and in my own house.
I don’t remember all the names. But I remember the pain. It’s still inside me.
Clearest “fat joke” – and one that has stayed with me all these years – was when I was around 12. My parents were putting a second addition on our home in Pittsburgh, and the neighborhood kids were dying to see the inside of it. There wasn’t much to see – it was still in the early stages and there were only wooden beams up. But I sneaked them all upstairs and gave them a tour. We were in the front room looking out to the driveway, when my mom’s car pulled up. Everyone knew we’d be in big trouble if she caught us.
“She’s gonna have a cow,” one friend said.
“She already did!” another replied.
And they all laughed.
A cow. I know there are worse names to be called – because I’ve been called them – but for some reason, that moment sticks with me. Maybe it’s because it was funny. A good quip. And I would have laughed had I not been the butt of their joke.
Being a fat kid was hard. My parents and grandparents would bribe me to lose weight. In my fifth-grade autograph book are reminders of those bribes, friends wishing me luck dropping 20 pounds and reminding me I could be $50 richer if I did.
There was the boy who told me I’d be “dateable” if only I were thin. The friend who said she’d put a pillow under her bathing suit if it made me feel more comfortable during a summer swim.
The fat kid became the fat teenager, who, despite all the bribes in the world, all the teasing, all the diets, all the work, all the loneliness, became the fat college student and soon the fat 20-something.
And now I sit here, at my desk job at the Star-News, and I’m the fat newspaperwoman. Only, “fat” seems almost too kind. I’m obese. I’m a step beyond obese. And there’s no way to hide it (insert joke here).
While it was hard being a fat kid, it’s been harder being a fat adult.
While the daily teasing ended in adulthood, what’s considered “acceptable humor” continues. On one occasion, a colleague, sitting a foot away from me, made joke after joke to a laughing crowd about the pre-thin Carnie Wilson and how, before her gastric bypass surgery, she probably spent every waking minute at the grocery store. Another recently wrote about the overweight opera singer Luciano Pavarotti and how he’s shaped like a Volkswagen Beetle. The comments stung. They weren’t about me, but they were about me.
Last year, in Raleigh to pick up a newspaper writing award, I felt the sting again. I was feeling good – not only because it was a special occasion for me, but I had just started a diet, and I had made it a solid two weeks eating right and walking two miles a day. Sitting down in the auditorium, a colleague, who also has a weight problem, recommended us sitting apart from each other because, as he told me, “we both spill over into the next seat.”
The special occasion didn’t feel so special anymore.
I know what I am and what I’m not. And I know it’s ultimately up to me to decide what I want to be and how I want to react to the world.
I know I’m much more than the image that reflects in the mirror.
I also know I can’t fault people for how they feel about me – and my weight – because, in many cases, I only am what they see.
So I’ve tried to find ways to make it easier on the people around me. When I’m forced to fly on a plane, I make sure I drive to Raleigh’s airport (it tends to offer planes with just window seats, which guarantees no one will have to sit next to me). I don’t go on amusement park rides. I try to leave a seat empty between me and others, so as not to “spill over” on them.
But I’m tired.
I’m tired of being only 28 years old and avoiding society. And I’m tired of carrying this past with me wherever I go.I have tried and tried to start and get through diets or even healthier eating and daily exercise. I know what stops me is me. There always comes a point in the attempt where it just doesn’t seem worth it, where it seems it will never happen, so why bother?
I don’t want to be that person – not the person who gives up, not the person who gives up on herself.
So I’m going to try again. I’m going to devote myself to a 15-week program of diet and exercise – a la Weight Watchers – and see where it goes from there.
And each week, good or bad, I’ll share with you how it’s going.
Many will tell me it’s foolish to put myself “out there” for thousands of readers to see.
But hiding just isn’t an option.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Apologies
Again.
The freelance job I was working on in December just about killed me. I worked every waking hour on the book or my full-time job. Christmas was a 14-hour day. The month was just a bad one, and as you have probably guessed, I caved into the depression of being alone and the stress of too much work to do.
Last weekend was my first with no responsibilities, and I tried to get stuff squared away -- bills paid, apartment cleaned, etc. But a new book will arrive Monday and the stress will begin again.
I am not complaining about the work -- I am grateful to have a job and am grateful to have the freelance jobs. I love proofreading the books. I just haven't been able to figure out a way to get all the work done and still have time to live.
I'll write again soon -- just wanted to touch base so you knew I wasn't completely AWOL.
The freelance job I was working on in December just about killed me. I worked every waking hour on the book or my full-time job. Christmas was a 14-hour day. The month was just a bad one, and as you have probably guessed, I caved into the depression of being alone and the stress of too much work to do.
Last weekend was my first with no responsibilities, and I tried to get stuff squared away -- bills paid, apartment cleaned, etc. But a new book will arrive Monday and the stress will begin again.
I am not complaining about the work -- I am grateful to have a job and am grateful to have the freelance jobs. I love proofreading the books. I just haven't been able to figure out a way to get all the work done and still have time to live.
I'll write again soon -- just wanted to touch base so you knew I wasn't completely AWOL.
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