Saturday, April 10, 2010

Breaking point

It's been a hard week. I've had terrible stomach pains since Wednesday and my clothes are snug. I wanted to buy something new to wear this weekend and the clothes shopping experience was horrid. Left without buying anything. Went to wear an older dress today and looked like a cow in the mirror. Ended up having to wear my tight jeans that made my hurting stomach hurt more, and I felt like the people who saw me today (who hadn't seen me in awhile) looked at me up and down, realizing how much heavier I was since I last saw them.

I weighed myself before I left for D.C. this morning and it was grossly high. Despite doing absolutely nothing wrong. I practically cried in the kitchen (that's where I keep my scale) so frustrated because I don't understand.

I ended up eating bad today. Not over eating but not good eating. Had ginger cookies in the car on the way to D.C. Had chocolate cake after dinner. Decided that I wouldn't care this weekend about counting points. Decided I've really had enough trying so hard, which makes the failing so much harder. I'm not giving up; just taking a break from this stress. I do not plan on overeating, I promise you that.

The race is tomorrow, and I'm very anxious, which could be part of my stomach problem. I just want to enjoy myself on a beautiful cherry blossomy day. I pray I can. I pray that sweeper bus doesn't sweep me up. I pray I can come to some sort of peace with myself and this journey I'm on.

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