Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Soul searching

Sometimes I feel like I'm living two lives.

I'm the girl who lost a lot of weight, who strives to be a runner and wear cute clothes. I'm the girl who loves to go out on long runs, get sweaty and grimy and muddy. I feel pride when I take hourlong spin classes, boxing classes. I read books and magazines on how to eat healthfully. I love being outside and feeling the sun on my skin.

But I'm also the girl who grew up fat and unhealthy, who became an obese and then morbidly obese adult, who succumbs to her depression by stuffing her face and avoiding the world. I'm the girl who will lose a few pounds, only to gain them back, sometimes in the same month, sometimes in the same week. I self-sabotage. I try to diet, but as I'm dieting, I think about how it won't last. How I'll always be fat. So I load up on fatty foods at the grocery store, avoiding eye contact with the cashier, with the world.

It's disturbing, living this dual life. Who knows which Diana I will wake up to. My personalities are extreme and I never have a little of each. I'm one or the other. In a big way.

This past weekend, I fell into a depression. My mind was swimming with all those things I try not to think about: Where is my life going? Will I ever have a family? Am I doomed to live a solitary life? Have I hit the peak in my career? With each question, I ate. And ate.

The scale zoomed up, of course. And I fell deeper inward.

They say awareness is the first step; acknowledge that you have a problem and then you can start correcting it. Oh, I'm aware. And oh, I've acknowledged. And yet here I am. At a loss for where to go now.

Of course I prefer runner Diana, healthy Diana, fit Diana. Of course I hate being trapped inside obese Diana, depressed Diana, lonely Diana. So it seems like a simple solution: Just be what you want to be. Do what makes you happy.

Unfortunately, the battle isn't always in my control. But I know, deep down, I have the weapons to fight. And fight I will.

1 comment:

  1. I can so understand your struggles. Sometimes I feel like you are reading my mind. I think the important thing to remember is just how strong you are. You're right about having to fight. It is a fight every day. If you let your guard down even once, you feel like you're going to lose the battle. I get it. Don't give up. FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! Don't let those negative thoughts get in your way. They won't make you happy. Something I've been trying this week is to start each day thinking about what will make me happy today. Often it has nothing to do with my weight. But it does give me something positive to focus on.