Unlike last year, when I sank into a very deep depression after postponing the marathon goal, I thought I was OK with it this year.
I thought wrong.
Yesterday, I officially put my bib number up for sale on the MCM site. I got five offers within the next two hours. All those people ready to train and own that marathon experience. As I started doing the computer work to transfer the bib number, I began crying. I didn't realize it would be that emotional.
Well, it's 4:54 a.m. and I am awake. I started thinking about the transfer again and began to get extremely anxious. Heart beating wildly, can't breathe, etc. The idea of failing a second time, the idea that something I wanted so terribly is now gone again (and I am solely to blame) has me sitting in the dark, sans the glow of this computer, wondering if I can accomplish anything ever again. Passion for a goal obviously isn't enough for me.
It's hard. When you don't make progress at your job, when your personal life is untidy, you'd like to see a little success somewhere. And when you don't, well, it's kind of heartbreaking. Disappointing. Lonely.
All these folks out there making their goals happen and you're stuck on life's treadmill. You're chasing that carrot stick but going nowhere. So you stop, grab the damn carrot stick and eat it.
I guess life always seems a little darker (literally) when you can't sleep at night and you start to feel suffocated by failures. I know, I KNOW, my blessings outweigh my problems. It's just hard to see them in the dark.