I got up early this morning to go running before my class. It was a decent trot: I was able to run the first mile straight, which means, thankfully, I haven't completely lost my ability.
Class was OK. If I had to judge the day based on my performance, I'd say it was bad. I don't remember being so ... stuck last year. There were moments during class when I lost my train of thought. I'd like to blame it on the Sudafed/my cold, but I think I'm on the mend.
The students, however, seem really cool. I was impressed with the group and am looking forward to getting to know them.
What's weird is how I felt in the building today. I felt like I did last year, and my habits last year were really, really bad. After class, I wanted to go to Taco Bell or McDonald's or Walgreens and get something bad to eat. The feeling was overwhelming. I had to remind myself that I don't want to be like that this year. I want to be healthier and use the exercise to relieve stress, not the food.
I was able to catch a small nap after class and before work. And at work, I was able to resist some "goodbye cake." I'll take that small achievement.
My first big temptation this week apparently will be Earl. The hurricane is looking more likely to hit, and after work tonight, a few of us are going shopping to stock up. To me, hurricanes are a grand excuse to snack. I must be diligent.
Looking forward to tomorrow's run. Let's hope I feel the same in the morning!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Hello again
Once again, I'm so sorry I've been MIA. There's no one reason, but for the past week I've been sick and haven't done much of anything besides work.
Tomorrow is the big day. Back to school. I'm determined - determined - to do the opposite of last year. Last year, I gained twenty pounds during the semester. This year, I hope to lose twenty pounds. Because, oh-my-goodness, if I gain 20 pounds on top of the weight I'm at now, that will be the end of me.
It's going to be hard. Teaching is stressful. But if I want to continue doing this, I need to find a way to make it work.
I have prepped for the week by making a big stir-fry, pancake mix and pumpkin muffins.
And my goal for tomorrow is to run three miles.
I'm super nervous about tomorrow. I hope I start feeling better, because this cold just makes everything so much harder. At the moment, my head doesn't ache as bad as it has been, so I'm hoping that's a good sign.
I'll report back tomorrow. Promise.
Tomorrow is the big day. Back to school. I'm determined - determined - to do the opposite of last year. Last year, I gained twenty pounds during the semester. This year, I hope to lose twenty pounds. Because, oh-my-goodness, if I gain 20 pounds on top of the weight I'm at now, that will be the end of me.
It's going to be hard. Teaching is stressful. But if I want to continue doing this, I need to find a way to make it work.
I have prepped for the week by making a big stir-fry, pancake mix and pumpkin muffins.
And my goal for tomorrow is to run three miles.
I'm super nervous about tomorrow. I hope I start feeling better, because this cold just makes everything so much harder. At the moment, my head doesn't ache as bad as it has been, so I'm hoping that's a good sign.
I'll report back tomorrow. Promise.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Day 9
Today, I took my boxing class, which I'm starting to enjoy even more these days. Of course, just when I start to enjoy it, it will come to an end. Once teaching starts up Aug. 30, I won't be able to take boxing anymore. The only boxing classes are 12-1 p.m. Tuesday/Thursday. My ODU class is 11-12:15 Tuesday/Thursday. Across town. Sucks.
I hope the gym brings back the morning boxing class in the fall, but it's not looking good for me. I hope I can find the motivation to box on my own. (But I know me too well...)
I also ran a little after the class. My foot is starting to feel a little better, to the point where I haven't iced in a few days b/c I haven't felt anything (and therefore forget to ice). I think boxing helps b/c it warms me up before I go running.
Didn't eat perfect today, again, but I'm OK with that. I'll have my meal-out tomorrow (steak, lobster mac-and-cheese, etc.) and possibly pizza on Saturday. My goal is to enjoy those meals and lay low the rest of the day. Make the meals worth it.
Sorry this post is stilted. I'm not feeling the writing vibe right now but I wanted to make sure I updated Day 9. (Though, is it really Day 9 when I haven 't been perfect on my diet?)
I hope the gym brings back the morning boxing class in the fall, but it's not looking good for me. I hope I can find the motivation to box on my own. (But I know me too well...)
I also ran a little after the class. My foot is starting to feel a little better, to the point where I haven't iced in a few days b/c I haven't felt anything (and therefore forget to ice). I think boxing helps b/c it warms me up before I go running.
Didn't eat perfect today, again, but I'm OK with that. I'll have my meal-out tomorrow (steak, lobster mac-and-cheese, etc.) and possibly pizza on Saturday. My goal is to enjoy those meals and lay low the rest of the day. Make the meals worth it.
Sorry this post is stilted. I'm not feeling the writing vibe right now but I wanted to make sure I updated Day 9. (Though, is it really Day 9 when I haven 't been perfect on my diet?)
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Day 8
Well, I was pretty bummed - again - today when I woke up and the scale was up - again. I worked out so hard yesterday.
So, I overate a bit today. Nothing awful, but I wasn't perfect. I did resist ordering Chinese food and instead ate a Lean Cuisine meal. Still, the extra snacks don't bode well for the scale.
I guess I was just frustrated. Feeling lonely. Unsure of things. I hope I can do better tomorrow.
I did get a lot of work done for my class. I've practically crossed all the "work" items off my list. But, unfortunately, as I complete all this work, I realize it's going to take a lot more time than I expected. It's all coming back to me: the stress of teaching.
I'm such a broken record....
So, I overate a bit today. Nothing awful, but I wasn't perfect. I did resist ordering Chinese food and instead ate a Lean Cuisine meal. Still, the extra snacks don't bode well for the scale.
I guess I was just frustrated. Feeling lonely. Unsure of things. I hope I can do better tomorrow.
I did get a lot of work done for my class. I've practically crossed all the "work" items off my list. But, unfortunately, as I complete all this work, I realize it's going to take a lot more time than I expected. It's all coming back to me: the stress of teaching.
I'm such a broken record....
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Day 7
This morning, I woke up in a pretty bad mood. Not sure why exactly (beyond the fact that I can't seem to sleep through the night), but I was feeling blue. Then I stepped on the scale, which showed weight gain, and I was like, "Really?" I was so good yesterday and resisted so much.
I ate breakfast on the couch, feeling sorry for myself and considering skipping all workouts. That "why bother?" mentality was doing its damage. But right before noon, I got myself to the gym. I did an hour of boxing, followed by 30 minutes with the trainer doing speed work on a treadmill. I figured, since I'm not spending hotel/car/airplane money on this vacation, I could give up $40 for a good workout. (When I was speeding on the treadmill, thinking I couldn't last much longer, I kept picturing the $40 off in the distance...) I think I did pretty good, though he didn't push me too much.
(FOOT UPDATE: The same. Hurts sometimes, as does the shin, which is kinda tender to the touch, but it hasn't hurt while I'm working out. I keep icing. I may take tomorrow off.)
I'm glad I went to the gym. It definitely helped my mood.
But then.
I had checked another thing off my list yesterday when I finally got photos developed that have been sitting on my camera since April. Today, I looked at them. I looked so bad. I LOOK so bad. It was pretty depressing.
And I got an unexpected, and large, bill in the mail, making me wonder if I can afford anything else this week, including my restaurant outing on Friday.
Today just wasn't my day. But there's always tomorrow.
I ate breakfast on the couch, feeling sorry for myself and considering skipping all workouts. That "why bother?" mentality was doing its damage. But right before noon, I got myself to the gym. I did an hour of boxing, followed by 30 minutes with the trainer doing speed work on a treadmill. I figured, since I'm not spending hotel/car/airplane money on this vacation, I could give up $40 for a good workout. (When I was speeding on the treadmill, thinking I couldn't last much longer, I kept picturing the $40 off in the distance...) I think I did pretty good, though he didn't push me too much.
(FOOT UPDATE: The same. Hurts sometimes, as does the shin, which is kinda tender to the touch, but it hasn't hurt while I'm working out. I keep icing. I may take tomorrow off.)
I'm glad I went to the gym. It definitely helped my mood.
But then.
I had checked another thing off my list yesterday when I finally got photos developed that have been sitting on my camera since April. Today, I looked at them. I looked so bad. I LOOK so bad. It was pretty depressing.
And I got an unexpected, and large, bill in the mail, making me wonder if I can afford anything else this week, including my restaurant outing on Friday.
Today just wasn't my day. But there's always tomorrow.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Day 6
A very nice day. I went to see the double feature, both "The Kids are All Right" and "Cyrus," and both were excellent. I resisted such things as popcorn and the homemade baclava the Naro sells. Instead, in between flicks, I went across the street and got some low-fat frozen yogurt. For dinner, I got take-out of my favorite salad: a spinach and grilled chicken and apple dish.
I had to estimate the salad, but it looks like I only went about 100 calories over my 1,200 allotment. I'm pleased with that. There were many temptations I resisted today.
I checked off TWO "for fun" items and one "for health" item today, so it looks like tomorrow I will have no "fun" but double "work." But that's OK. It will be nice to stay at home tomorrow, with the exception of a trip to the gym, where I hope to attempt speed work on the treadmill again.
I'm very happy to see I've almost made it one week. I know it sounds like it's no big deal, but for me, it's huge. Building up momentum is one of the hardest things; I look forward to sailing on it one of these days!
I had to estimate the salad, but it looks like I only went about 100 calories over my 1,200 allotment. I'm pleased with that. There were many temptations I resisted today.
I checked off TWO "for fun" items and one "for health" item today, so it looks like tomorrow I will have no "fun" but double "work." But that's OK. It will be nice to stay at home tomorrow, with the exception of a trip to the gym, where I hope to attempt speed work on the treadmill again.
I'm very happy to see I've almost made it one week. I know it sounds like it's no big deal, but for me, it's huge. Building up momentum is one of the hardest things; I look forward to sailing on it one of these days!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Day 5
Imagine, if you will, plodding through 7 miles on a warm day, then finding a little extra energy to walk across the street and visit the ocean. You stick your feet/legs in the water, and the waves and sand massage your sore muscles. You're hot and oh-so-tired. You head back to your car, only to hear a little jingly music from off in the distance.
An ice cream truck.
You smile to yourself, thinking of those childhood days when you and your sister scrounged up coins from the sofa whenever you heard that familiar song. You continue walking.
Then, the ice cream truck pulls onto the side street where you're walking. It pulls RIGHT UP TO YOU. The ice cream man smiles. You see the delicious, cold options displayed on the side of his truck.
You shake your head "no."
The ice cream man drives off.
Now that, my friend, is resisting temptation!
It was a nice day. A nice start to my stay-cation.
From my Choose Your Own Stay-cation chart:
FOR MY HEALTH: A good walk/run (my foot is kinda hanging in there; some soreness but nothing too bad). I was extra tired, it seemed, but after taking a GU halfway through, my energy perked up a little.
FOR WORK: I went through all of my files, paper and electronic, and wrote down all of the resources I have for my class. I organized them into categories. A good amount of work, but nothing too time-consuming.
FOR PLAY: The beach will have to count, though I never sat down during my visit; it was a short one. But I plan on returning later this week.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow's "For Play," a movie or two at the Naro, which is offering, back-to-back, the only two movies I'm interested in seeing: "The Kids are All Right" and "Cyrus."
There's a great event happening at the waterfront (a few blocks from my apartment) on Wednesday, but I'm a little afraid of going. It's National Cupcake Day and they'll be giving out free cupcakes, along with having various games and such. I may have to pass. Or I can just work out extra hard that day and get a nice treat.
We'll see how the next few days go...
An ice cream truck.
You smile to yourself, thinking of those childhood days when you and your sister scrounged up coins from the sofa whenever you heard that familiar song. You continue walking.
Then, the ice cream truck pulls onto the side street where you're walking. It pulls RIGHT UP TO YOU. The ice cream man smiles. You see the delicious, cold options displayed on the side of his truck.
You shake your head "no."
The ice cream man drives off.
Now that, my friend, is resisting temptation!
It was a nice day. A nice start to my stay-cation.
From my Choose Your Own Stay-cation chart:
FOR MY HEALTH: A good walk/run (my foot is kinda hanging in there; some soreness but nothing too bad). I was extra tired, it seemed, but after taking a GU halfway through, my energy perked up a little.
FOR WORK: I went through all of my files, paper and electronic, and wrote down all of the resources I have for my class. I organized them into categories. A good amount of work, but nothing too time-consuming.
FOR PLAY: The beach will have to count, though I never sat down during my visit; it was a short one. But I plan on returning later this week.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow's "For Play," a movie or two at the Naro, which is offering, back-to-back, the only two movies I'm interested in seeing: "The Kids are All Right" and "Cyrus."
There's a great event happening at the waterfront (a few blocks from my apartment) on Wednesday, but I'm a little afraid of going. It's National Cupcake Day and they'll be giving out free cupcakes, along with having various games and such. I may have to pass. Or I can just work out extra hard that day and get a nice treat.
We'll see how the next few days go...
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Day 4
Oooh, there were moments tonight when I wanted to grab the box of Snackwells cookie packets and eat them all. That's what happens when you sit in front of the TV at night.
But then I pictured myself on that bike, trying to climb that hill.
I only went 7 calories over my calorie goal today, which was a success because it was a day with little exercise, meaning I only got 1,270. It's a tough thing to do sometimes, especially when you have your evening free.
So I've made it four days. Longer than I've gone in awhile.
Some good things I did for myself today:
1. Ate 7 servings of fruits/veggies.
2. Walked to work and back, and enjoyed it (such a lovely day)
3. Started planning out my options for the week. I filled up the sheet for work goals and health goals but am actually having a hard time coming up with nine options for fun. I'll sleep on it. See what else I can come up with.
Off to bed...
But then I pictured myself on that bike, trying to climb that hill.
I only went 7 calories over my calorie goal today, which was a success because it was a day with little exercise, meaning I only got 1,270. It's a tough thing to do sometimes, especially when you have your evening free.
So I've made it four days. Longer than I've gone in awhile.
Some good things I did for myself today:
1. Ate 7 servings of fruits/veggies.
2. Walked to work and back, and enjoyed it (such a lovely day)
3. Started planning out my options for the week. I filled up the sheet for work goals and health goals but am actually having a hard time coming up with nine options for fun. I'll sleep on it. See what else I can come up with.
Off to bed...
Day 3.1
I'm equating the next few days with encountering a huge hill on a bike ride. It's going to take every ounce of effort to get me through, to get over the hill. I'm mentally preparing myself for it, and I hope to use that image when things get tough.
Why the concern? It's Saturday, of course. The day of the week where I get off work at 7 p.m. (ish) and have a whole night ahead of me, a night that screams for me to stop at the grocery store and buy something bad.
And after that, my days off begin - a whole week with no structure/plans.
When I couldn't sleep this morning around the wicked hour of 3 a.m. (why is it always 3 a.m. when I wake up in the middle of the night?), I came up with an idea for my week. I'm going to create a to-do chart with three columns: For Fun, For Work, For My Health. I'll write down nine items in each category and pick one from each every day. That could be fun. Like a Choose Your Own Adventure for my stay-cation.
I'll let you know what I come up with for the categories when the day is through. At that point, I hope I'll have made it up part of the hill, feeling good about what's to come.
Why the concern? It's Saturday, of course. The day of the week where I get off work at 7 p.m. (ish) and have a whole night ahead of me, a night that screams for me to stop at the grocery store and buy something bad.
And after that, my days off begin - a whole week with no structure/plans.
When I couldn't sleep this morning around the wicked hour of 3 a.m. (why is it always 3 a.m. when I wake up in the middle of the night?), I came up with an idea for my week. I'm going to create a to-do chart with three columns: For Fun, For Work, For My Health. I'll write down nine items in each category and pick one from each every day. That could be fun. Like a Choose Your Own Adventure for my stay-cation.
I'll let you know what I come up with for the categories when the day is through. At that point, I hope I'll have made it up part of the hill, feeling good about what's to come.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Day 3
Good things I did for myself today:
1. Ate four servings of fruits/veggies
2. Resisted all-you-can-eat cake at work.
3. Walked to work and back.
4. Is getting to bed at 10 p.m.(ish)
Not as many fabulous things today, but it was an exhausting day of work. So I'm off to bed.
This week's challenge: Starting tomorrow night, I'm on "stay-cation" for the next 9 days. With no solid plans besides preparing for the upcoming semester, I do fear I'll eat poorly and oversleep. I just need to keep my eyes on the prize. And maybe plan for one night out at a restaurant. Perhaps I need to invest in a good book...
1. Ate four servings of fruits/veggies
2. Resisted all-you-can-eat cake at work.
3. Walked to work and back.
4. Is getting to bed at 10 p.m.(ish)
Not as many fabulous things today, but it was an exhausting day of work. So I'm off to bed.
This week's challenge: Starting tomorrow night, I'm on "stay-cation" for the next 9 days. With no solid plans besides preparing for the upcoming semester, I do fear I'll eat poorly and oversleep. I just need to keep my eyes on the prize. And maybe plan for one night out at a restaurant. Perhaps I need to invest in a good book...
Day 2
Good things I did for myself today:
1. Went to the gym and did boxing class, plus some extra cardio.
2. Ate six servings of fruit/veggies.
3. Didn't wear a T-shirt to work.
4. Resisted two kinds of cookies and lots of candy at work.
Well, it's past 2 a.m. and I just got home from work. I'm expected to be back at 10, which means I have to decide whether to sleep 7 hours or only 5 and exercise. After having to climb the five flights to my apartment just now b/c the elevator is broken, I'm thinking sleep may win. And I'm OK with that.
1. Went to the gym and did boxing class, plus some extra cardio.
2. Ate six servings of fruit/veggies.
3. Didn't wear a T-shirt to work.
4. Resisted two kinds of cookies and lots of candy at work.
Well, it's past 2 a.m. and I just got home from work. I'm expected to be back at 10, which means I have to decide whether to sleep 7 hours or only 5 and exercise. After having to climb the five flights to my apartment just now b/c the elevator is broken, I'm thinking sleep may win. And I'm OK with that.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Day 1 (please don't laugh)
What I did that was good for me today:
1. I prepared some meals for the week, including batter for my favorite whole wheat blueberry pancakes, some sweet potato chips and what turned out to be a delicious shrimp and chicken stir-fry.
2. Went to the gym. (Stretched, did arm weights, did an hour of cardio alternating between the treadmill and bike two times each, did some crunches.)
3. Ate at least seven servings of fruits/veggies.
4. Drank water.
5. Walked to work and back.
6. Did not wear a T-shirt to the office.
My foot is sore, but no more sore than it has been lately. I'm icing it as I prepare for bedtime and hoping I can squeeze in some running here and there without doing damage. I'm stubborn. I know. I may regret it.
1. I prepared some meals for the week, including batter for my favorite whole wheat blueberry pancakes, some sweet potato chips and what turned out to be a delicious shrimp and chicken stir-fry.
2. Went to the gym. (Stretched, did arm weights, did an hour of cardio alternating between the treadmill and bike two times each, did some crunches.)
3. Ate at least seven servings of fruits/veggies.
4. Drank water.
5. Walked to work and back.
6. Did not wear a T-shirt to the office.
My foot is sore, but no more sore than it has been lately. I'm icing it as I prepare for bedtime and hoping I can squeeze in some running here and there without doing damage. I'm stubborn. I know. I may regret it.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
In hiding
I just ordered some clothes from a plus-size website.
I had to. I start teaching again in a few weeks, and I have absolutely nothing to wear that doesn't make me look like a slob. My work outfits currently have me rotating among three tight skorts and a half dozen worn-down T-shirts. Classy.
In May, before my trip to Pittsburgh, I was forced to visit a host of plus-size stores as I tried to find clothes that, while big, would make me look nice. At one store, the sales lady asked if I wanted to be put on a mailing list for discounts. I said no.
"I'm hoping to..." I started.
"...cross over to the other side?" she finished.
Yes, that is the goal. To never have to visit another plus-size store again.
The sales lady continued ringing up my purchase, her eyes down and a small grin on her face. She knew. I'd try to lose weight and fit into pretty clothes, but, after failing, I'd be back in her store.
So I took my shopping online.
I dread the upcoming semester. I look awful. I don't know if I'm going to be able to find nice clothes that fit me. It scares me.
My current work outfit of big T-shirts is just one sign of the obvious: I've been trying to hide from the world. Pair the T-shirts with my downcast eyes as I walk down halls and sidewalks, and you will see a girl trying to be invisible despite her growing size.
It affects every part of my life. I haven't visited my mom in a year. Why? Because I weigh 30 pounds more than she does and I'm too ashamed. I haven't visited my friends in Wilmington in forever. Why? Because I fear being back in a town where I so publicly swore I'd never go back to my plus-size days.
Every few months, I look to the calendar and realize, "Oh, it's X months until X, I need to lose this weight." X months until a race. X months until a trip. X months until school starts. Then, by the time the event arrives X months later, I'm either exactly the same weight or heavier.
Today I look at the calendar and see that it's less than three months until the 10K I so desperately wanted to PR in. And less than three months until another race I am considering that would bring me back to Wilmington. The odds aren't looking good.
They're especially not looking good because of an injury that has sidelined me (surprise!) from, well, everything. I've got a pain in my foot that appears to be a tendon issue. I've rested. I've iced. I've elevated. And occasionally, I can walk to work with no problem. And, then, occasionally, I step out of bed and can't put weight on my foot because of the pain. Like today.
The only cure for inflamed tendons is rest. Which to me translates to: get even fatter if I don't make better choices in my eating.
I don't want the calendar months to fly by as I hide from life. That's not living. It's a waste of time and it's boiling an entire life down to my weight, when there are so many other pieces of me I'm not embracing and showcasing and loving.
So I can't run. So what?
I also can't hide anymore.
I had to. I start teaching again in a few weeks, and I have absolutely nothing to wear that doesn't make me look like a slob. My work outfits currently have me rotating among three tight skorts and a half dozen worn-down T-shirts. Classy.
In May, before my trip to Pittsburgh, I was forced to visit a host of plus-size stores as I tried to find clothes that, while big, would make me look nice. At one store, the sales lady asked if I wanted to be put on a mailing list for discounts. I said no.
"I'm hoping to..." I started.
"...cross over to the other side?" she finished.
Yes, that is the goal. To never have to visit another plus-size store again.
The sales lady continued ringing up my purchase, her eyes down and a small grin on her face. She knew. I'd try to lose weight and fit into pretty clothes, but, after failing, I'd be back in her store.
So I took my shopping online.
I dread the upcoming semester. I look awful. I don't know if I'm going to be able to find nice clothes that fit me. It scares me.
My current work outfit of big T-shirts is just one sign of the obvious: I've been trying to hide from the world. Pair the T-shirts with my downcast eyes as I walk down halls and sidewalks, and you will see a girl trying to be invisible despite her growing size.
It affects every part of my life. I haven't visited my mom in a year. Why? Because I weigh 30 pounds more than she does and I'm too ashamed. I haven't visited my friends in Wilmington in forever. Why? Because I fear being back in a town where I so publicly swore I'd never go back to my plus-size days.
Every few months, I look to the calendar and realize, "Oh, it's X months until X, I need to lose this weight." X months until a race. X months until a trip. X months until school starts. Then, by the time the event arrives X months later, I'm either exactly the same weight or heavier.
Today I look at the calendar and see that it's less than three months until the 10K I so desperately wanted to PR in. And less than three months until another race I am considering that would bring me back to Wilmington. The odds aren't looking good.
They're especially not looking good because of an injury that has sidelined me (surprise!) from, well, everything. I've got a pain in my foot that appears to be a tendon issue. I've rested. I've iced. I've elevated. And occasionally, I can walk to work with no problem. And, then, occasionally, I step out of bed and can't put weight on my foot because of the pain. Like today.
The only cure for inflamed tendons is rest. Which to me translates to: get even fatter if I don't make better choices in my eating.
I don't want the calendar months to fly by as I hide from life. That's not living. It's a waste of time and it's boiling an entire life down to my weight, when there are so many other pieces of me I'm not embracing and showcasing and loving.
So I can't run. So what?
I also can't hide anymore.
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