Random thoughts

While I'm a little scared about what Tuesday's weigh-in will show, it won't be because I've slipped. It feels so good to have gone almost a month without eating a forbidden food. But I did have yet another food dream last night...this one involved me buying Girl Scout cookies and, again, thinking, "What about the streak I'm on? Oh forget it!"

I admit it has been a little hard eating well while being snowed-in. Not that I could eat bad...I don't have anything bad in the house. But volume does worry me a little. I've managed to be just fine, though, and I always go to bed when I feel like I'm about to venture into the kitchen after all my calories have been used up.

Unfortunately, I didn't exercise today. I was going to try to run/walk, but the ice is making it too hazardous.

A funny side-note to dieting: I was balancing my checkbook today and noticed I have the same five-dollar bill in my wallet I've had all week. With the exception of my Saturday Subway lunches (minus this week b/c it was closed due to snow), I haven't been spending cash at all. I used to have to stop at the ATM pretty regularly after spending all my cash buying snacks at Walgreens after my shift ended at midnight or buying a snack from the vending machine at work, etc. It's nice to see that the lack of spontaneous eating has saved me some money.

I thought maybe my face looked thinner today, but it could just be that my hair looked bigger....

A new temptation...

...right now.

They ordered pizza at work. A lot of pizza. My favorite kind of pizza. And it has just been delivered. And everyone around me has loaded their plates up with cheesy goodness. And I want it.

But I brought my Weight Watchers pizza, anticipating the snow-day pizza delivery, and I will slowly munch on it, and pretend....

Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland

Didn't plan on exercising today, but Mother Nature has changed my plans!

Going to walk to and from work (about 3.5 miles total) in the snow. It's still falling so we shall see how high it gets by 7 p.m. when I return home!

Blah blah blah

One of these days I'm going to have a blog post full of optimism and excitement and good news! I just know it!

But not today.

So, I'm already abandoning my goal of five days of 1-hour workouts this week. I don't want to. But I truly feel like I need to rest my leg completely. Even walking may be putting too much strain on it. I'm going to rest for two days (but keep doing my leg exercises) and hope for the best on Sunday. Even bike riding and cross trainers, in the past, have hurt my shin.

Every Friday, I step on the scale to see where I'm at (I only step on it Fridays and Tuesdays, the weigh-in day). Today just brought me down again. I was back up to 210 and it just makes no sense to me. I have stayed within my allotted Weight Watcher points for nearly four weeks now. I have not eaten one forbidden food. I drink tons of water. I eat my fruits and veggies every day. I eat fiber. I have resisted EIGHT days of temptations at work. And I have gotten in a good amount of exercise (though not too high-intense b/c of my leg). Even take away the exercise and I should be losing something. I want to believe that at some point that scale is going to move, but this is bordering on ridiculous.

I'm facing the prospect of having to walk the 14K in two weeks and perhaps even walk the half marathon in March. That would stink. I'm determined to be healthy enough to run the Cherry Blossom 10-miler in April, but what if this weight won't budge?

I'm not motivated right now. But I will tell you this, and it's something I am so grateful for: I haven't been tempted to eat bad foods lately. Three solid weeks have helped me mentally focus on what I'm eating and why. So, if anything, I'm at least putting good foods into my body.

A big part of me wonders if I'm just sitting too much (which will get even worse when a new book-proofing job arrives tomorrow). There are times my work shift is so bad, so hectic, that I literally don't get out of my seat for six hours or more. That can't be good for me. And those are the hours when I eat most of my food. Perhaps I need to focus on eating half my points before I start my 4 p.m. shift. Right now, it's usually more like a third.

I swear to you that I'm trying to be optimistic and not worry too much. I know that worrying and stressing just produces cortisol -- the stress hormone -- which will make me fatter and fatter.

I really just want to run again soon. Somehow I think that will help me so much.

1 hour, 37 minutes

There's nothing like a sunny, warm day -- and the threat of bone-cold weather and snow in the days ahead -- to make you get out and exercise.

I walked 5 miles. It. Took. Forever. I was afraid to go too fast b/c that made my shin uncomfortable. But I so wanted to run. I walked for 1 hour, 27 minutes. Prior to that, I did a 10-minute Biggest Loser ab workout.

Was feeling pretty good. Then got dressed for work. Jeans still damn tight.

Whaddaya gonna do but keep plugging along...

40 minutes

Well, I didn't get in an hour, but I got in about 40 minutes of exercise today, all trying to avoid my left shin. I did two Biggest Loser 10-minute routines (upper body and cardio) and did a bunch of leg stretches, hip stretches and a 30-second wall sit to finish it off. My legs were very wobbly at that point.

Even though the BL exercises are only 10 minutes a day, they seem to be a nice way to get in some extra stuff I tend to neglect. The routines are very similar to the exercises in the Body Pump class I used to take (which was an hour long).

Early work shift today, so I better get moving.

Good news, bad news

Let's start with the good news:

I discovered a wonderful recipe today. I found it in a Biggest Loser pocket cookbook that came with my workout DVD. At first I was skeptical: It served two, and each serving had four pancakes. I figured the pancakes would be the size of my thumb, but they weren't! They were a decent size (like bagel-size) and were so tasty.

Here's the recipe. Like I said, it's two servings and each serving is 165 calories, 1 gram of fat and 4.5 grams of fiber (the book says it's 140 calories, 3 grams of fat and 3 grams of fiber, but I counted all the ingredients and I came up the the 165). That's 3 Weight Watchers points for one serving; 6 points for both (I had the second serving for a snack later on). You can double, triple, quadruple the recipe and the batter will stay good in the fridge for up to three days, the book says.

1/2 cup reduced-fat buttermilk
1/2 cup whole-grain oat flour
1 large egg white, lightly beaten (I used egg beaters)
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract (I used 1/2 teaspoon)
1/4 teaspoon salt
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spray (I used Pam)
1/2 cup fresh or frozen (but not thawed ) blueberries (I used fresh)

In a small bowl, combine the first six ingredients. Whisk until blended, then stir in the blueberries. Let stand for 10 minutes.

Heat a nonstick skillet over medium heat. Briefly remove pan from heat to mist lightly with butter spray. Return the pan to heat. Pour the batter in 1/8-cup dollops to form 3 or 4 pancakes. Cook for about 2 minutes, or until bubbles form on the tops and the bottoms are golden brown. Flip. Cook for about 2 minutes.

You can serve it with a sugar-free pancake syrup or orange marmelade but I just had mine plain. YUM!

Some more good news: I actually put the workout DVD into the player and pressed play and did a workout! It's a Biggest Loser 30-day plan and the workouts are only 10 minutes long.

Now the bad news: When I was doing the workout, one exercise was jumping rope (fake) only jumping on one leg. Right leg was fine. But when I did it on the left leg, the one where my shin has been bothering me, the pain was intense.

So I knew I couldn't run. But I decided to get out anyhow and walk the three miles. I attempted to run a few times (I am very impatient and hate walking) but there was discomfort/pain. So, I'm sidelined from running for awhile. I will continue to exercise and strengthen my legs and walk the distances my running sked has outlined.

Just another reason I'm furious at myself for gaining this weight. It really affects my ability to run injury-free.

But, yes, I did an hour of exercise today. And the foods I've eaten have been tasty and within my points range. So despite the shin pain, I'm chalking it up to a good day.

Week 3 weigh-in

Beginning weight: 216
Last week's weight: 210
This week's weight: 208
This week's loss: 2 pounds
Total loss: 8 pounds
Left to lose: 42 pounds

But don't get too happy for me.

I admit I was pretty happy this morning to see that number finally go down a tad. My scale, however, is old-fashioned. I've had it since, well, forever. It's not digital. Not like the scale at the doctor's office that I stepped on moments after I stepped on my bathroom scale (with not even a drop of water digested in between). The doctor's scale had me more than four pounds heavier.

But I'm trying to remember that feeling I had this morning, the one that made me want to put on my running shoes and get out the door, perhaps even come home and do the workout DVD. That's what happens to me -- when I start to lose weight, I gather such momentum from it. But when I'm stuck or I see an awful number on the scale, my motivation is nonexistent.

Yesterday was really hard from me, as my blog post shows. I just couldn't get over wanting to eat, eat, eat. At one point, I grabbed the bag of cheddar rice cakes and sat in my La-Z-Boy. That's a big no-no right there. NEVER grab the bag. ALWAYS portion it out first. But I was feeling crappy and just wanted to grab it and flop down and stuff my face.

Luckily, I had a little more sense and I counted each and every rice cake that went into my mouth. I had three servings. I wrote down the number of points that meant. I stuck to my plan. Even if, for a second, I wanted to ditch it.

So I'm proud of myself. Made it through three weeks, which I haven't done in a long time.

Now for a little experiment, which I'm actually afraid to write down here because it means I will be held accountable to all of you. I'm going to try -- try, try, try -- to exercise in some capacity an hour a day for five days this week. I want to see what it does. I want to see if I have more energy (something I've been severely lacking lately). I want to see if the scale responds. It sounds pretty unrealistic, as I've been only exercising two-three times a week. But I'd like to try.

As a wise reader/friend reminds me, the mantra needs to be not "I think I can" but "I KNOW I can." I'll think of her as I lace up my running shoes and head out the door.

So hungry

{{ begin vent }}

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I have been so hungry this weekend. I suppose it's because I haven't had much to do, so I've been watching TV, which just makes me want to eat.

I also did a pre-weigh-in this morning and wanted to throw the scale (or eat it) when it showed that I'm the same weight. I don't think a miracle will happen between now and tomorrow, especially if this hunger continues.

Every commercial makes me hungrier. I want pizza and chocolate chip cookies and all-you-can-eat IHop pancakes.

I haven't eaten one bad thing in three weeks and I've stayed within my Weight Watcher points. Yet this lack of weight-loss makes me just want to give up. It's so frustrating.

{{ end vent }}

For the record

Can I just say for the record that I hate how slow I am these days? I just finished my 8-miler, and while it was two minutes better than last week's 8-miler, it was still really bad. My shins hurt and I had to walk most of it.

BUT, on a positive note, at least I covered the mileage. By mile two, with the soreness not going away, I thought I'd call it a day, chalk it up as a running attempt and go home to rest my shins. But then I realized that I wasn't in a hurry, it was a nice day out and I needed to at least walk the rest of it. So I did. I tried to walk fast, and I must have, since I didn't run as much as last week but had a better time.

Only three weeks or so until the 14K and I'm a little worried. I really, really need to do my leg exercises. Why am I so lazy about this?

Getting some advice from an old friend

That old friend? The 2003 Diana.

With my frustration growing as I don't feel like I've lost anything and all my clothes still feel tight, I decided to look back at my original Weight Watch diary to see how I felt in Week 3. Imagine my surprise when I discovered I FELT EXACTLY THE SAME WAY I FEEL TODAY.

Published: 02/25/2003
I was foolish this week.

I thought I had lost more weight than I had – then fell into a bit of a depression when I pulled out of my closet (and tried on) a brown blazer I hadn’t been able to button for about a year. Urrrrg! I still was far from fitting inside the bugger. I threw it to the floor (though I stopped myself from jumping up and down on it).

People keep asking me if I feel any different, if my clothes feel any better, but I haven’t been able to tell. While the dieting has gone very well (in three weeks, I’ve yet to eat more than I’m allotted), exercise is key and I haven’t been as good in that area.

Funny, huh? I have to remember that eventually the weight did drop. Eventually, that brown blazer became too big for me. Eventually, I got that body into a size 12. I've just got to keep at it and remember that it's going to take time.

Really. Frustrated.

I've got to get to work but I just needed to vent some frustration. Just now got dressed for work and not a thing fits...and everything even feels tighter. I'm very, very proud of myself for making it almost three weeks without digressing from my diet, but I'm starting to get to that "why bother?" point that screws me up so bad.

Believe me, I'm not saying I'm stopping. I realize that if I stop, I will very soon return to that 317-or-more-pound woman. But geez, I really wish I'd start to see some progress.

What a difference a year makes

That's what I said to my boyfriend this past weekend when he showed me photos he just got developed from an old camera. The pics were from February 2009 and were of me dressed for our Valentine's Day dinner.

Goodness. Thin face. Thinner arms. Wearing a dress I can't imagine wearing today. In less than a year, I had managed to gain 30-some pounds. It happened so fast. And it frustrates me so much.

Yesterday, my tight jeans were as tight as ever, so much that I couldn't wear them.

Maybe I should stop procrastinating by writing this blog entry and actually get outside for my run....

Temptations

Today at work, we had cake and cookies to celebrate two birthdays. Last week, we had a cookie cake to celebrate a birthday. And leftover goodies from a dessert party.

So I've decided to actually start keeping track of these temptations, for curiosity's sake (and because it always makes me feel better when I can make it through a shift without frosting on my face or cookie crumbs on my shirt).

To make it fun, I've posted a poll question on the right of this blog's home page, asking you how many days you think I'l be faced with these temptations. In June, I'll let you know what the number was.

(Oh, and how have I avoided the past two weeks' worth of work temptations? I don't even LOOK at what's over on the goody table. If I don't see it, it's not there -- even if I'm in earshot of the "mmmmms" and "sooo gooods.")

Weigh-in Day

Beginning weight: 216
Last week's weight: 212
This week's weight: 210
This week's loss: 2 pounds
Total loss: 6 pounds
Left to lose: 44 pounds

I dreaded getting on the scale this morning, and I couldn't figure out why. I've been doing great, right? Eating right, exercising again. Why should I dread the scale? But I did, and I guess it sensed my dread. I lost 2 pounds. I should be happy, and deep down I am. (Mostly happy I'm two weeks in and still on track.) But I'm also frustrated at what appears to be a much slower weight loss than I'm used to. If it's this slow now, what happens when I get to lower numbers, when it's even harder to lose?

Now I re-read the above paragraph -- from an outsider's point of view -- and I'm frustrated with myself for being frustrated (I told you this blog would be honest; this is unfiltered train of thought). Two pounds is what I aimed for and I should be thrilled. I should be even more thrilled that I've made it this far. And I KNOW I'm not working out as hard as I could; I'm certainly not shaking it up and trying new things to get my body moving.

So I enter Week 3 happy I'm still on track and ready to tackle new challenges (yes, like that workout DVD I still haven't tried and keep avoiding...)

Shin-a-rific

Yesterday I re-discovered that dedication to running I haven't had for months. Proof? I walked/ran two hours in a steady rain and 41 degree temps. Yes, it took me two hours to cover 8 miles. But in addition to re-discovering my dedication, I re-discovered my horrible shin pain.

So I didn't push it. But I still do worry a little about injuring myself to the point of being out of the game, and I can't do that. In the past, being out of running for months has made me gain incredible amounts of weight. And I've already just done that. Why, you ask, don't I just do some other form of exercise? I try and I've tried. It's just I'm more apt to do the exercises that I enjoy, and I enjoy running. I've got to work on my shin strengthening/flexing exercises, rest a bit and hope for the best. Oh, and keep with my healthful eating routine.

Which has gone well! Tomorrow will be two weeks, and that's incredible for me. Eating in D.C. was just fine. I packed some nice snacks and the only meal we ate out, I chose a gnocchi with vegetable sauce -- the sauce was literally hunks of tomato, squash and zucchini and was wonderful. I did splurge a bit and had a chai tea, but I still think I came in within my points allocation. We had skipped lunch (or I guess it was breakfast...I didn't finish my run until noon).

It was hard, though. The restaurant we ate at is quite good, and I wanted the traditional turkey burger and fries with a side of cranberry/walnut muffin. But I'm glad I chose well (at least I hope I chose well).

Hungry now, so I need some oatmeal before hitting the road to go home.

Another challenge....and more bad dreams

Yeah, so the bad dreams have continued all week and it's making my sleep very restless. I have no idea where it's all coming from, but in a way, the bad food dreams have helped me. Gets it out of my system.

The new challenge will be a visit to D.C. this weekend to see my boyfriend. I'm notorious for letting the dining-out meals be bad, so I need to be very careful. Luckily, I have gotten him addicted to Weight Watcher and Skinny Cow ice cream treats and Healthy Choice meals, so I do have healthy options!

I mapped out a schedule of my weight-loss goals, and the final goal of 166 puts me at the end of June (that's with a 2-pound weight loss every week, which, I know is not always possible). How I would love for this to work. I do feel more on track in my mind, right now, than I've been in the past year.

I also have to come to grips with the fact that 166 today, at age 35, will not be the 167 it was at age 30. I seem to have a much harder time with my stomach/hips these days and the distribution may not be to my liking. But....I'm getting ahead of myself. Not there yet!

Yesterday's 4 miles was good -- I don't believe I coughed once while running! (Though, yeah, some after.) I may be on my way to recovery. Let's hope I can continue on this better path....

Stupid dreams

So the bad dreams seem to be taking over, and last night/this morning I had so many, I woke up in a horrid mood. The main dream was me in Pittsburgh at a graduation party (my graduation party from college, so I apparently was 13 years younger) eating, eating, eating and trying to pack all the food and gifts in a suitcase to bring home with me. In the dream, it occurred to me that my weight loss was going to be affected by the food I ate and I figured I'd just tell you all on the blog that it was a party and how can you deny me food at my own party?

Of course, in that dream I was also sad that I blew the diet.

What in the world is going on with me? Obviously I'm scared I'm going to screw up. But geez, this seems over the top.

Week 1--Check!

Last week's weight: 216
This week's weight: 212
Total loss: 4 pounds
Left to lose: 46 pounds

I'll take it! I feel like it's a small weight-loss for the first week, which usually shows much more success, but I have to remember that I barely exercised. And that my goal is 2 pounds a week. And that Rome wasn't built in a day. Etc.

I also need to work on my eating schedule. Working until midnight makes it hard to have the typical eating routine, as my dinner is usually around 10 p.m. And that makes me worry that I eat too many of my calories late at night. I need to have more of a balance but my fear is that if I eat earlier, I'll be so hungry at night with no calories left to use.

I just got finished with a 3-mile run, which wasn't wonderful but was better than the last one. I only coughed a few times during the run and didn't wheeze too much. There's still some chest congestion but it doesn't seem as bad.

I still haven't tried my exercise DVD....maybe tomorrow. Gotta eat some breakfast now (yes, I know it's noon).

How? Why?

I do believe I will make it to the end of Week 1 having followed the program to a T. Well, the eating part at least. The exercise part still is being hindered by this cough. But I'm happy about making it one full week and my new goal is two full weeks. :) I'll let you know how the scale responds tomorrow....

Last night, it hit me just how much damage I have done to my body over the past few months. It's scary, just how quickly you can go from pretty healthy running double-digit mileage to .... this. It hit me because I was so sore. My legs were killing me (not pain but muscle soreness) from the 7 miles. And I was wearing a T-shirt from a race last year that was now skin-tight on me. How did I get here? And why? Why did I cause so much damage to my body? I can place blame on the stress of the jobs and a big bout of depression and having not enough time to run. But it still doesn't answer the Why? for me.

I didn't care enough about myself, but not only that, I think it was closer to self-hatred. And when you hate something, you treat it poorly. And that's what I was doing. It's hard to admit that.

I do feel better just having gotten through this week. And I know from past experience that the longer I go, the prouder I'll be, the better I'll feel, the more I'll raise my head and feel like I'm worth something.

I've got to say, too, that this weekend I have immersed myself in books and that right there has done more for me than you can imagine. First of all, that means the TV is not on as much, which means I don't just sit there and eat and doze. Second of all, it's hard to eat while reading a book. At one point, I had to force myself to eat breakfast yesterday before a run so I brought my laptop to my dining room table (at the time I was reading a book from Gutenberg.org) and ate my oatmeal with one hand while scrolling with the other. Wasn't an easy task.

I guess this means I need to whittle down my list of TV shows I watch. Don't worry -- Biggest Loser will remain at the top.

Wheeze, cough, run

Well, the good news is I got up off the couch and completed 7 miles today. It was slow, yes indeed, but I ran about half of it and feel good for doing something.

The bad news is the chest congestion just isn't going away. I wheezed for much of the run and had to stop to cough a few times. I sucked on cough drops, which helped, but I didn't bring any water. By the end of the run, I was feeling quite nauseated by the combination of running on a diet of Halls cough drops.

But it's been a good day. I've read a new book -- new to me but ages old; "Camille" by Alexandre Dumas -- and enjoyed a quiet Sunday. It's good to read for pleasure once again!

The diet is going well; I've eaten my way through my bananas and blueberries and squash and need to replenish tomorrow. It's always a joy when I actually consume the fruits and vegetables and not have to throw them out because they've gone bad.

I'm going to try a DVD workout tomorrow and see how that goes....haven't done that since Jane Fonda in the 1980s!

Now the hard part begins...

So I've made it to Day 5 -- good eating all week, lots of water, even a good amount of fruits and veggies. The exercise has been nil since Tuesday, though, as I'm still wheezing from this chest cold. Part of me thinks I'm being smart not pushing it by exercising outside in the cold weather, but the other part thinks I'm just being lazy. I'm going to do my best to get outside tomorrow; I'm scheduled for 7 miles but it may just be a 7-mile walk.

So what's the hard part I'm facing? Well, my weekend begins when I get off work tonight, and weekends are always hard for me. I'm always more prone to mindless eating while watching Law & Order reruns. And I've got some Weight Watcher ice cream treats I really love....which means I'll be tempted to use all my calories on sugar. And, well, that's no good.

I also fear that scale a little. But I have to remind myself that a 2-pound loss is all I'm shooting for when I weigh in on Tuesday.

One tiny step at a time.

Ups, downs, standing still

I had a dream last night that I bought some kind of dessert and ate it, and as I was eating it, I realized how I had already managed to screw up this latest weight-loss attempt. I have these dreams often, it seems, when I start a diet. I don't know if it's the stress of it or just a chance for me to get it out of my system without actually consuming the calories. Either way, I don't mind the dreams - they help keep me on track and make me realize how sad I'd be if the dreams were reality.

This morning/afternoon has been hard for me. I decided not to run because the cough is just all-consuming. If I thought the run wouldn't hurt me, I'd do it. But I don't like messing with respiratory issues. I had to tell myself it's OK - and hope for a better tomorrow. But sitting here in my living room and watching TV is no good as it makes me want to snack. So instead I made myself a cup of tea, which helped a lot. Helped the cough a bit and kept the snacking at bay.

I glimpsed a sad part of my past yesterday when I watched the first episode of the latest "Biggest Loser" season. The contestants all had to have their initial weigh-ins in front of their hometowns, and as each walked up to the scale, shirtless and exposing all their flaws, I watched as their friends and family averted their eyes. Few would actually LOOK at the contestant. It's the sad and ironic fact about obese people - they're invisible. People don't want to see them so they look away. It made me think about when I weighed 300 pounds and was going to attend a function wearing a big flowery dress. I was terrified to make an appearance because I looked so bad. But when I went down to the party, no one even looked at me. I was invisible - yet bigger than anyone else there.

I helped (and still do) make myself invisible. I averted (avert) my own eyes when I felt (feel) awful about how I looked (look). I don't WANT anyone to see me.

I've noticed lately how bad I look at work. Not just the obvious "Hey I'm fatter." But I don't try to make other aspects of myself look good. My hair's a mess, no makeup, sloppy clothes, not a bit of jewelry. And that's got to change. I've got to care about myself more, and dieting/exercise is only half of it. Of course, it's hard to attempt to look good when all you have that fits are T-shirts. But I've got to try more.

And I will.

Day 2

A success!

Though I'm a wee big worried about my scheduled 4-mile run tomorrow, as my cough seems to be getting worse. I guess we'll see how it goes.

Day 1

I love the TV show "The Biggest Loser." Yes, it can be frustrating (I still get angry when I think of them running marathons with only two months of training). But I watch it because I can relate to the struggles many of the contestants have faced. I get inspired by the workouts. I cry at almost every episode.

But I don't watch the show when I'm feeling bad about my weight. If I'm overeating and not exercising, the shows remain taped but unwatched. It makes me feel too guilty if I watch people drop pounds as I sit on the couch and stuff my face.

So I didn't watch last season's finale until today. Sad, huh? That means I pretty much never even tried to lose weight or eat right all of December and for most of November.

That's my embarrassing admission for the day.

I went running today, and it was pretty much a disaster. I was still coughing from being sick, and my shin started hurting at mile 2 so I had to walk a lot. The shin problem is a good sign I am #1 too big and #2 out of shape. I "ran" 6 miles on Sunday, so it could also be that I'm doing too much too soon.

After my run, I went home and watched the finale of "The Biggest Loser" and did some weights and crunches as I watched. There's nothing more inspiring than watching people turn into twigs right before your eyes.

On the food front, the eating has gone fine today, and I've been sure to drink plenty of water. I'm looking forward to a trip to Target tomorrow where the Weight Watchers frozen meals are on sale for less than $2 a piece.

Now for a little good news that I hope will inspire me in 2010:

According to my calculations on logyourrun.com, I ran (and by "ran" I mean "ran/walked") 632 miles last year. There were months (June, September), when the tally was more than 70 miles. And then there was sad December, when I only ran 10. But it was pretty cool to see that and realize how much I accomplished. While I tend to focus on my failures, I can't deny that there were some successes as well.

Thanks to you all for caring enough to read this and for picking me up when I fall. I'm blessed beyond measure.

Back in the game (I hope)

Hello there (if anyone is indeed out there),

Looking back at my old blog posts, I almost don't recognize that girl who was training for the Marine Corps Marathon. She was so driven, so determined. Sure, she had her difficulties (mostly in her diet), but she was passionate about that race and doing what she needed to do to succeed.

I don't remember the last time I felt that good about running. It's so hard to believe that it was only three and a half months ago that I ran 20 miles. And that I was so dedicated I awoke at 4 a.m. to do it. Where did that girl go?

Ever since I deferred my marathon experience, I've been in a deep depression. It's not so much that I didn't do it, but that I worked so hard and ultimately failed. That the naysayers were right. That my friends who looked at me with raised eyebrows and "oooh-kay" responses to my goal were correct in doubting my abilities. And I know the main reason I failed was my weight. You just can run as far or as fast when you keep adding weight to your body.

Last semester, with the teaching gig and book editing and my job, I let myself go big-time. I've gained even more weight since the training stopped and I'm at that point where I'm terrified about what's ahead. I can't keep gaining -- I'm on that cusp of returning to the old me, and I don't want to go there. On New Year's Day, I weighed (and I am embarrassed to admit this) 216 pounds. If you recall, my heaviest weight was 317. One more pound and I start to enter that first 100 pounds lost, and I just can't do that.

The weight gain has been showing in many ways: my inability to fit into any of my clothes, trouble crossing my legs or tying my shoes, sweating after walking up a few flights of stairs.

So now I'm facing the need to lose 50 pounds, but at least 40 to feel more comfortable running longer distances. I would need to start training for the marathon in June, which means I have five months to lose 40 pounds. Possible? That's 8 pounds a month, or 2 pounds a week, which is the healthy way to lose weight, so I know it's doable. I just have to get my mind wrapped around it. And my mind has been stopping me for so long now.

I haven't been able to even get through ONE day of eating right these past few months. And I'm beginning to wonder if I'm punishing myself, trying to hurt myself and this is the easiest way. It only hurts me; doesn't hurt others. It's sad. I don't know why I dislike myself so much.

I wish I knew what it was that clicked all those years ago (seven years this month) when I began the diet that changed my life. What made it work when everything before and after hadn't/hasn't? I re-read my old journal entries but it doesn't help. I'm pretty sure the community support had a lot to do with it -- and maybe was the sole reason. I was given a great gift and I feel like I've wasted it.

Of course, another reason it worked may have been because I wrote about it -- wrote honestly about my weight and what I was going through. This blog began with a similar purpose, but I never was completely honest (I never lied but I would omit things because I was too ashamed to say what I ate or how much I gained). Maybe I've become too guarded.

Just publishing this post will be a step. And at this point, I can only take one step at a time and hope it leads me in the right direction....finally.