Monday, January 11, 2010

How? Why?

I do believe I will make it to the end of Week 1 having followed the program to a T. Well, the eating part at least. The exercise part still is being hindered by this cough. But I'm happy about making it one full week and my new goal is two full weeks. :) I'll let you know how the scale responds tomorrow....

Last night, it hit me just how much damage I have done to my body over the past few months. It's scary, just how quickly you can go from pretty healthy running double-digit mileage to .... this. It hit me because I was so sore. My legs were killing me (not pain but muscle soreness) from the 7 miles. And I was wearing a T-shirt from a race last year that was now skin-tight on me. How did I get here? And why? Why did I cause so much damage to my body? I can place blame on the stress of the jobs and a big bout of depression and having not enough time to run. But it still doesn't answer the Why? for me.

I didn't care enough about myself, but not only that, I think it was closer to self-hatred. And when you hate something, you treat it poorly. And that's what I was doing. It's hard to admit that.

I do feel better just having gotten through this week. And I know from past experience that the longer I go, the prouder I'll be, the better I'll feel, the more I'll raise my head and feel like I'm worth something.

I've got to say, too, that this weekend I have immersed myself in books and that right there has done more for me than you can imagine. First of all, that means the TV is not on as much, which means I don't just sit there and eat and doze. Second of all, it's hard to eat while reading a book. At one point, I had to force myself to eat breakfast yesterday before a run so I brought my laptop to my dining room table (at the time I was reading a book from and ate my oatmeal with one hand while scrolling with the other. Wasn't an easy task.

I guess this means I need to whittle down my list of TV shows I watch. Don't worry -- Biggest Loser will remain at the top.

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