Monday, January 4, 2010

Back in the game (I hope)

Hello there (if anyone is indeed out there),

Looking back at my old blog posts, I almost don't recognize that girl who was training for the Marine Corps Marathon. She was so driven, so determined. Sure, she had her difficulties (mostly in her diet), but she was passionate about that race and doing what she needed to do to succeed.

I don't remember the last time I felt that good about running. It's so hard to believe that it was only three and a half months ago that I ran 20 miles. And that I was so dedicated I awoke at 4 a.m. to do it. Where did that girl go?

Ever since I deferred my marathon experience, I've been in a deep depression. It's not so much that I didn't do it, but that I worked so hard and ultimately failed. That the naysayers were right. That my friends who looked at me with raised eyebrows and "oooh-kay" responses to my goal were correct in doubting my abilities. And I know the main reason I failed was my weight. You just can run as far or as fast when you keep adding weight to your body.

Last semester, with the teaching gig and book editing and my job, I let myself go big-time. I've gained even more weight since the training stopped and I'm at that point where I'm terrified about what's ahead. I can't keep gaining -- I'm on that cusp of returning to the old me, and I don't want to go there. On New Year's Day, I weighed (and I am embarrassed to admit this) 216 pounds. If you recall, my heaviest weight was 317. One more pound and I start to enter that first 100 pounds lost, and I just can't do that.

The weight gain has been showing in many ways: my inability to fit into any of my clothes, trouble crossing my legs or tying my shoes, sweating after walking up a few flights of stairs.

So now I'm facing the need to lose 50 pounds, but at least 40 to feel more comfortable running longer distances. I would need to start training for the marathon in June, which means I have five months to lose 40 pounds. Possible? That's 8 pounds a month, or 2 pounds a week, which is the healthy way to lose weight, so I know it's doable. I just have to get my mind wrapped around it. And my mind has been stopping me for so long now.

I haven't been able to even get through ONE day of eating right these past few months. And I'm beginning to wonder if I'm punishing myself, trying to hurt myself and this is the easiest way. It only hurts me; doesn't hurt others. It's sad. I don't know why I dislike myself so much.

I wish I knew what it was that clicked all those years ago (seven years this month) when I began the diet that changed my life. What made it work when everything before and after hadn't/hasn't? I re-read my old journal entries but it doesn't help. I'm pretty sure the community support had a lot to do with it -- and maybe was the sole reason. I was given a great gift and I feel like I've wasted it.

Of course, another reason it worked may have been because I wrote about it -- wrote honestly about my weight and what I was going through. This blog began with a similar purpose, but I never was completely honest (I never lied but I would omit things because I was too ashamed to say what I ate or how much I gained). Maybe I've become too guarded.

Just publishing this post will be a step. And at this point, I can only take one step at a time and hope it leads me in the right direction....finally.


  1. I've bookmarked your blog and will be following your journey just as I did seven years ago. You were so successful then that I know you will be successful once again.

  2. Diana,
    I believe in you, and I know you believe in yourself. I remember watching with amazement as you focused on your goals and hit every one, even if it didn't always happen as fast as you wanted. Your journey was a happy one to watch, because you were so driven and because the real Diana -- a sweet, caring woman with many friends -- was never lost as you pared away unwanted pounds. Don't worry if you miss now and then. (I've gained some of my unwanted weight back, too; it's tough to juggle "life" and time for oneself.) I admire the fact that you fell in love with running and found something to motivate you, and you are a success regardless of what the scale says. Take it slowly, smell the fresh air and the flowers (or during this season, the crisp scent of winter's chill) and simply enjoy moving. (And while I'm at it I should take my own advice more often ...) I wish you all the best. You're my hero. Tricia

  3. Hi Diana, I am also struggling with weight. I read something that clicked to me. Take one day at a time, one day turns into weeks, weeks turn into months. make a meal plan for the next day. mine for tomorrow 3 egg whites hand full of green grapes- breakfast
    walnuts mid morning snack chicken, veggie, lentil soup lunch
    hand full of grapes -lunch egg whites for dinner sounds gross, but i actually like them. I made the soup today i will have that all week for lunch or dinner. once i get the one day i feel like i can do another. i hope this helped you Suzy

  4. I'm in the same place - running the Oak Island 10K that year felt huge, like I could do anything! Like the whole world was just out there, waiting for me, and I was ready to run all over it.

    And now, running feels like a chore, just one more thing on my to-do list, and an optional one at that. I'm not sure how to get that passion back, but for now, I'm just working on treating exercise as a non-optional to-do list item.


  5. D - You're a wonderful woman and in some ways you're Wonder Woman, but you hafta stop beating yourself up. You were working three jobs. There's only so much time in a day - and energy in a person. You got through an intense time, and that means you're strong, not weak. I hope you find the joy again.

  6. I didn't know you have a blog!!! awesome sauce! -- burke