Back in the game (I hope)

Hello there (if anyone is indeed out there),

Looking back at my old blog posts, I almost don't recognize that girl who was training for the Marine Corps Marathon. She was so driven, so determined. Sure, she had her difficulties (mostly in her diet), but she was passionate about that race and doing what she needed to do to succeed.

I don't remember the last time I felt that good about running. It's so hard to believe that it was only three and a half months ago that I ran 20 miles. And that I was so dedicated I awoke at 4 a.m. to do it. Where did that girl go?

Ever since I deferred my marathon experience, I've been in a deep depression. It's not so much that I didn't do it, but that I worked so hard and ultimately failed. That the naysayers were right. That my friends who looked at me with raised eyebrows and "oooh-kay" responses to my goal were correct in doubting my abilities. And I know the main reason I failed was my weight. You just can run as far or as fast when you keep adding weight to your body.

Last semester, with the teaching gig and book editing and my job, I let myself go big-time. I've gained even more weight since the training stopped and I'm at that point where I'm terrified about what's ahead. I can't keep gaining -- I'm on that cusp of returning to the old me, and I don't want to go there. On New Year's Day, I weighed (and I am embarrassed to admit this) 216 pounds. If you recall, my heaviest weight was 317. One more pound and I start to enter that first 100 pounds lost, and I just can't do that.

The weight gain has been showing in many ways: my inability to fit into any of my clothes, trouble crossing my legs or tying my shoes, sweating after walking up a few flights of stairs.

So now I'm facing the need to lose 50 pounds, but at least 40 to feel more comfortable running longer distances. I would need to start training for the marathon in June, which means I have five months to lose 40 pounds. Possible? That's 8 pounds a month, or 2 pounds a week, which is the healthy way to lose weight, so I know it's doable. I just have to get my mind wrapped around it. And my mind has been stopping me for so long now.

I haven't been able to even get through ONE day of eating right these past few months. And I'm beginning to wonder if I'm punishing myself, trying to hurt myself and this is the easiest way. It only hurts me; doesn't hurt others. It's sad. I don't know why I dislike myself so much.

I wish I knew what it was that clicked all those years ago (seven years this month) when I began the diet that changed my life. What made it work when everything before and after hadn't/hasn't? I re-read my old journal entries but it doesn't help. I'm pretty sure the community support had a lot to do with it -- and maybe was the sole reason. I was given a great gift and I feel like I've wasted it.

Of course, another reason it worked may have been because I wrote about it -- wrote honestly about my weight and what I was going through. This blog began with a similar purpose, but I never was completely honest (I never lied but I would omit things because I was too ashamed to say what I ate or how much I gained). Maybe I've become too guarded.

Just publishing this post will be a step. And at this point, I can only take one step at a time and hope it leads me in the right direction....finally.